All of the material that I have read on passive aggressive, (there is a forum for that too,) it says that it is one of the hardest behaviors/communication styles to correct because the person truely believes that their motives are not to punish, frustrate, or aggravate the other person. I have been seperated for 10 yrs and he has refused counseling until about a month ago. He does not take criticism well. He tends to avoid issues and I tend to confront problems. I may see something as problematic, and he denies it to the hilt.
For example, twenty years ago he wanted this 100 yr old house, it was not cheap, and still needed a ton of work. I was against it, but after a lot of pressure and promises from him that he would take a second job if necessary, I agreed. For 9 months, we had not sold our other house, so we were really in deep. I managed all the finances and was under big stress, often putting the grocieries on the Visa. He was oblivious to the situation. I would talk to him and he would avoid, saying it will get better. I had to go on anti depressants for the first time. He did a lot of work on the house but it was slow. Whatever I asked for, I was told that it could not be done-such as an electrical outlet in a certain spot. With 2 little ones, it was too much for me to take care of while working and in school, yet I sanded floors back to original, painted, etc. He slacked off-leaving me with too much. Every once in a while I would demand family help for an hour on Saturday morning. He would agree for a few weeks and then the excuses came, that he scheduled something for himself or kids soccer or something.
In addition, I got my masters in counseling during this time. But even before this, I read every book on child raising. I am not guided by every book, but I do believe in taking what you can use and fits for your situation. I taught parenting classes for court ordered parents. He would agree to my wishes when we talked about it most of the time, but when I was gone, do something else. In addition, I knew our youngest daughter had something going on. It looked a ADHD w/o hyperactivity. By middle school, he took over helping her with homework (actually was doing some of it for her). She is real smart but cant get the work done in the time other kids can, so she was up til midnight. I pleaded with him to let her fail so we could get a correct diagnosis. That was not happening with all A's and occassional B's.
If I went out in the evening, he would lock all the doors with chains so I couldnt get in. He would be in bed watching tv and I would pound on the door for 20 minutes. I would be mad and he would say he was sorry, its just a habit and forgot I was out. I could name a dozen other things. The fact is, he showed no initiative or motivation, but if I asked him to do something he would, about half the time what I asked, the other half playing dumb. There was always an excuse, (I forgot, I didnt understand, I did it out of habit-not thinking). But his emotions were like a flat line, rarely showed any anger, but no excitement, passion, etc either.
Eventually we seperated. All his life he had been (appeared) very passive. Someone once described him as very agreeable. Once seperated, our girls were 13 and 15. The 15 yr old was very head strong. Any rule she did not like, she would call her dad and the triangulation would begin. She would put me on the phone with dad and he would want to know what was going on, everything from why she has to vacuum, to Mom is crazy. She pulled her teenage stuff and he always sided with her. The younger one was eventually diagnosed correctly. She has an auditory processing disability. However, she did not get diagnosed until 15 or 16, which leave very little opportunity for help. Therefor she is very dependent on her husband, who she married 5 months after graduating high school.
They are now 24 and 26. The 26 yr old got everything she wanted and was extremely dramatic during high school and early college.
She always drew her dad in to a triangulation. She was very mean to me and her younger sister. He refused to let me sell this huge house and in 2006 I had a bad accident. They were still left with no responsibility for the house-not vacuuming, not yard work, not trash, not the dogs. I eventually heard that I was crazy so often, and she told anyone who would listen. I had to give up my career altogether. She even assaulted me hard one time and I made a police report before she could change her story. She admitted that she shoved my head in the refrigerator and the police asked if I wanted her arrested. I did not. I just wanted it documented because she lies. To this day, in marraige counseling he said he does not know the truth because the daughter denies. I told him for $25 he can read her admission in a police report. She has talked to me in no way that a daughter should talk to her mother. I feel very broken now. She is not an attorney (perfect) and she has gained 120 pounds since high school. I know she is suffering. We stopped speaking last year when I ran out of money from my accident.
Most would wonder why I would go to counseling with him and try to salvage this, particularly when our children have been psychologcally damaged through this. In these 10 yrs I have dated and there are a lot of creeps at my age. I see a lot of narcicist and sociopaths. I am physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually broke. All through this, he has a way of saying I am wonderful and then making me feel crazy.
I also understand that he grew up in an alcoholic home as I did. In my house, with 4 older sisters and a mother, words and emotions flew and anything went. Probably why I went into counseling, to find peaceful resolution. He also grew up with both parents and a brother. His father was strict and emotions were forbidden, and his mother invaded his space and has no boundaries. So I can see how he got this way. If he can't change, I won't be able to live with him the way things were. But in only 3 sessions, issues have come up that have been addressed. I hope he is really getting it and not pretending. Otherwise, I am sure I will stay alone.
