Dom Violence Gaslighting

[I_Am_Titanium]

The other day my ex asked me to clarify something our oldest child had said to him. So I tried to clarify it. It really was a misunderstanding. Then he said he doesn't believe anything I say and will take her word over mine every time. He's been doing this for over a year and I usually can let it go and not engage.

This time I snapped. I let loose telling him all the times he got caught lying and how he's far from perfect. I think that caused him to go into a narcissistic rage. He then sent a barrage of emails over several days attacking me for everything he could think of, especially why I'm the narcissist and how he's the opposite of a narcissist. He went on to tell me that my ex boyfriends never abused me and I made it all up. He twisted things around and tried to rewrite MY history. I fell for it for about a day or so and started to doubt my sanity. Thankfully my boyfriend talked me through it and I'm better now, although still triggered. I have a trauma therapy session today that I hope will help.

Does anyone else still fall for gaslighting? Do you get better at recognizing and dealing with it? I thought I was past it but I don't think I really am. I guess it will probably be a struggle for quite some time now. I've had to deal with gaslighting and emotional abuse for over 30 years.

Also, I think what makes this even harder for me is that he can sit there and send abusive emails for days on end. I'm supposed to ignore him and not engage. So it seems like he gets away with it. I know I should never respond to him because that's what he wants even though I want to smack him down for it because I'm sick of it all.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Yes, gaslighting wasn't a term I had heard until after I left my abusive x husband and he did that...especially after I left. He would say things such as I am projecting my own faults onto him and its not him. After I left him and especially after I gave birth to our child he sent me numerous degrading emails...best advice for dealing with a narcissist is to keep communication to email- (text if you must). I was surprised that even in this mode of communication my x would still try to lie and rewrite what he had said in previous emails... The proof is great. Yes, they love to get into "battles" so, yes I agree the best thing is not to respond if possible. Or if you need to correct something you could say something like "I don't agree with that." Keep it short and simple and to the point- and they will hopefully stop. My x barely communicates with me anymore (well the court order helped-but that's a different story.) It is easier to see the gaslighting I think when it is in black and white (like in email.) For example, when I was living with him and our communication was mostly face to face and verbal it was a lot easier for him to convince me that I had misunderstood something or didn't hear that right. Being able to see the communication written down and in front of me and being able to go to previous emails and see contradictions really helps me to see his behavior for what it is.

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

Thanks. We only "communicate" via email anymore. It's still not easy and it may never be easy. I think I'm also struggling with staying "grey rock". There are times when I want to respond to his email attacks but I know that is not a good idea. For example, he'll tell me I'm "this and that" when I know it's not true. Instead I just don't respond. Then he says since I didn't respond it must be true. Again, I don't respond. It's still hard but I try to just walk away from it.

 

[WishfulThinking123]

Yes, that's what my x used to do as well. I like just throwing out a statement stating I don't agree with your email, without getting into any details (for custody/court purposes). I know that when I texted my x about how he punched me in the stomach and he never denied it, that could have been used as evidence as almost a confirmation. It is better to at least deny his statements but, still not get into an argument or give reasons, does that make sense?

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

That does make sense. Thanks! I'll keep that in mind if it happens again.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have a really hard time not overreacting and exploding. But I am trying to go no contact and that is sort of helping for now. I used humor once and it shut her down instantly.

 

[leslie82]

The other day my ex asked me to clarify something our oldest child had said to him. So I tried to...

My mother gets horribly gaslighted by her husband. Everything she tells me he says to her I just want to punch him in the face.

In the last two months she's told me he has said the following to her:

That she is the sociopath and she has a personality disorder (she might have a personality disorder but he can't diagnose it).

That it's her fault he and my youngest brother don't talk and that he doesn't get to see my brother's kids. (My sister in law wrote him and said if he didn't change how he acts he won't see their kids). My mom was supposed to stand up for him.

It's my mom's fault that my dad got invited to her dad's house (my grandpa) after the divorce because she didn't stand up to her dad. Sorry but my grandpa wouldn't have listened. He told me and my dad that no matter what my dad was always going to be his son no matter what my mom thought. (Because my dad is a sane, decent person).

They got in a fight and she said "I'd rather be dead than be with you" and he said "I can make that happen." Then a few weeks ago said "What would you do if I died?" She said "What if I die first?" He said "No I won't allow that to happen."

He has told her that when he dies us kids will never come see her - yes we will. He tells he that she's a whore, a bitch. He questions her every time she comes home after visiting us kids and tells her she's a liar. He asks if she talked to my dad if it was our kids' birthdays. Who cares? That ship has sailed!!

Lots of the things he says to her my ex said to me. Not the stuff about he could grant her death wish. If my ex had ever said that crap I'd have kicked him out long before I did.

This guy is a sociopath pure and simple. And he gaslights my mom and has for almost 30 years. So people fall for it yes. My ex did it to me but nowhere near as bad as my mom's husband. My ex would constantly accuse me of cheating and he's the only one I've been with since the end of 2011.

 

[squeakyboots]

The other day my ex asked me to clarify something our oldest child had said to him. So I tried to...

I am sorry you are going through this. I fell for the gaslighting for a good while after I left the son of a bitch. He had me in his grip for much longer than I ever would have thought, and at times I would beat myself up about it. but -- that's what sociopaths do best. They are master manipulators. I can tell you for certain, from my experience -- not responding is the best thing you can do. It might seem to you at first that he's "getting away with it" but in fact, it's taking the power he has over you away from him. Sociopaths thrive off responses from their victims. It makes them feel in control. If you give them nothing they will try to twist that too, but after a while, it all begins to slow down because they have nothing fueling them. Ultimately they find themselves in a position where, for the first time perhaps, they're not getting any sort of reaction out of you and they're unsure of what's happening. Try as he might, though, if you hold your own, his harassment will (hopefully) wane and finally stop. It will probably never stop completely, let's be real, but his attempts at manipulation will bounce off you like nothing and he'll soon realize he no longer "has" you. Good luck!

 

[MoonandBack]

Hi all ...

In a way I just wanted to thank you all for this post as horrible as that may sound! I have learnt now from your post and google part of my journey and a piece of my story now makes a bit more sense to me! Having left a DV relationship of 13yrs which I'm processing with the support of amazing people around me you have now helped me to understand I wasn't crazy and useless but this was one of the many tools that was used against me! I just wanted to post and thank you all and wish you all well on your journeys xx

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

Hi all ...

In a way I just wanted to thank you all for this post as horrible as that may sound! I have learnt no...

You are welcome! I am really happy to hear this helped you! I wish you well on your journey also. :)

 

[Knak]

Does anyone else still fall for gaslighting? Do you get better at recognizing and dealing with it?

I can't get out of my marriage because he has undermined me to the point I have no will to live or maintain self respect, much less function.

When he commuted during his last years in his job I took on a life of my own. Part of it was reporting on city council meetings for the paper, and I learned to be meticulous about reporting truth, taking copious notes, remembering what was said, and by who. I became secure about knowing when he lied, which was constant and for no reason,

After I quit that position and had no motive to mentally record everything, I fell for a lie because I wasn't hypervigilant and ever since it's been a struggle for survival. I returned to always questioning myself as I have since my youth.

He can look me square in the eye and tell me I'm totally wrong and I'll believe it until I remember what really happened. Recently I lost my short term memory practically overnight due to the stress.

My present defense is to threaten divorce (which I don't have energy to begin to do), swearing at him when people could hear it (to destroy his picture perfect self image), telling others what he does and says to me, saying aloud "I wish I was dead" so he hears it, but I'm still spiraling downward. After 8 years my counselor has no more answers or desire to continue with me.

He is 11 years older than me but he doesn't want to die like I do. He only wants his current victim -me- to stay put so he doesn't have to find another one. He probably knows he is too old to find another person who can make him appear normal and to kick around.

I am having a pity party. It seems like my life has been a waste but maybe my example can also help someone run from this same situation.

 

[I_Am_Titanium]

I feel like I want to give you a hug. I've been there too. There were many times I wanted to die. I felt absolutely worthless thanks to years of gaslighting. It wasn't until I basically hit my own rock bottom that I started to "wake up" and get help to get out and away from him. I didn't want to die. I hated feeling the way I did. It was by no means easy. At times I didn't think it was even possible. It was downright terrifying at times. I did it, though. I got away from him and I'm much better off. I am much better at recognizing his gaslighting and all the emotional abuse he spews my way.

I thought my life was a waste since I had stayed with him for over twenty years. It's not a waste. Your life isn't a waste either. I'm glad you're on this forum talking about it. I'm glad you recognize you're being gaslighted. It may not seem like much but it is a start. Maybe you don't have the right counselor for you. I found out I needed someone who specialized in trauma and abuse. She has helped me more in the last couple of years than all the therapists/counselors I went to for depression in the last twenty years (there were a lot).

Please don't give up. Please don't lose hope. I almost did many times but I'm so glad I didn't give up or lose hope. I made it through hell (not unscathed) and am thriving now. It's probably cliche but sometimes the biggest most rewarding journeys start with the smallest of steps. Just please don't give up. *hugs*