Relationship Gay Veteran With Combat Ptsd Ended Things With Me.

[james84]

I was a little scared to post because I'm not sure how people feel about the gay aspect of this, but I really need the support. Right now I'm really overwhelmed. I was dating a veteran for a month and a half whose been out of the army for about 5 years. I'm not sure if I was the first relationship he's ever had, but he told me I was the first person he was ever in love with. He only came out of the closet after he got out of the army. He told me at the start that he had PTSD, and another time he told me that he would shut me out, that it'll happen, but that it would pass. At the time, I had no idea what PTSD really entailed so I never pressed him about it.

Everything was amazing at first. He was so invested in us, we told each other we loved each other, and he was talking about a future together and saying little things that seemed like he thought of this as the real deal. He told me I make him feel safe, and that he's the happiest he's ever been because of me. It was all very quick, but at the same time it felt right. Then about a three weeks ago he started telling me that he was having trouble sleeping because a book that he was reading was causing him to remember memories from the war. I listened to him and let him know I was there for him. I saw it get progressively worst pretty fast after that. We would hang out but he would seem distant, then he wanted alone time, but we would still text. Then he would only text once at night, and then finally told me that I did nothing wrong, but that he was emotionally unavailable. He said he was in the same shape as he was when he first came back from Iraq, and that didn't want to give me false hope, and that he needed time alone to figure things out. After reading more about PTSD by then, I didnt want to overwhelm him so I told him I understood but that I loved him and would there there if he needed it. I would text him every other day after that to let him know that I hope he was ok.

I then ran into him at the movies, and he seemed kinda freaked out about seeing me. He told me he was sorry, and he's working on things, and that he would keep me posted. After that still more silence. Then yesterday, I think everything just caught up to me. I hadnt heard from him or seen him in so long, and his family life is so private because he's not out to them, I had no idea how he was doing or if he was safe which was killing me. So i pleaded from him to let me know he's safe, and he replied that he was. Then I asked if he wants me to leave him alone. And then he said again that hes emotionally unavailable, and that he's incapable of relationships, and that he was sorry. And that was that.

So i dont know what I'm looking for. Should I just let him go? Is he just running away because he's scared, and because of the PTSD? Would he come back?

Sorry this is so long. I appreciate anyone who reads this.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I am sorry this happened to you. It sounds to me like it is all over between you both. He is not available to you. I know this hurts you so much. But this happens alot. It is a very common thing. The best thing you could do is to move on with your life and heal from this broken relationship. Mabe someone else has better things to say to you.

This happens so often. It leaves people broken up. I hate what it does to people. You are not alone. There is nothing you can do to get him to respond to you. It sounds like he has made up his mind about the 2 of you. I know you love and care for him and this is going to hurt like hell. But you have already done all that you can do.

He needs to be in therapy and getting treatment for his ptsd. And it does not sound like he is doing this. He probably needs to hit bottom first. And it does not sound like he has done that.

If you go to the supporter section you will meet alot of wise people who are very caring and supportive of what you are going through who may help for you to feel better about what is going on. I am just really sorry it is happening to you. Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[james84]

Thank you. I know he used to be in therapy when he first got out of the army, and he mentioned needing to see a therapist when he first started having trouble sleeping. But as of right now, I dont think he followed through on that.

I really have laid it out on the line already. he knows how I feel, he knows I would be there for him if he wanted it. and thats really all i can do. Its just hard, sometimes I think I need to show him that I will never give up on him, but try to stop myself because i dont want to push him further away.

Its just hard to just let him go.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I hear you. I cannot imagine the feelings and thoughts you are having over this. You are wise to restrain yourself, it would only push him farther away. Big hugs for you. I really feel for you on this one.

 

[Loner]

I know its a cliche but if you really care about him tell him you would like to be his friend if you cant be his boyfriend.

 

[james84]

I have told him that I was there for him as a friend if he ever needed it, so he knows that, but I'm not pushing anything. Ive decided to stop texting. I really do feel like I need to let him breathe, and whatever happens will happen. He knows how I feel. I know he loved me. If he really wants it to work and if its really meant to be, it will be. Could anyone give advice on whether thats the best thing? I really want him to know that I'm there for him whenever he chooses so.

Has anyone had personal experience with this, and letting them have their space? specifically with combat PTSD?

 

[amethist]

Hi Lee

Welcome to the supporters side of the forum.

It is really hard for sufferers to cope with a relationship when they are struggling with the PTSD issues. Hard as it is do try not to take this personally, even though you probably will.

The good stress of a relationship can be as hard to take as the bad stress of his PTSD, maybe hard to understand, so I have posted this link up for you, it may help a bit.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/[/DLMURL]

Add the combat stress into this cup and it over flows a lot more.

Being a friend is maybe the best he can do right now, so letting him have his space is the best thing you can do for him.

Dont wait for ever for him though, he may not be able to come back to you or anyone for a long time.

Remember to take good care of yourself, it is important.

Amethist

 

[james84]

Thank you for everyone's responses, it really has helped a great deal knowing people have experienced similar. I've learned a lot about PTSD already and it really has helped me to not take this personal, though I do have my moments.

Honestly though, it breaks my heart. and sure for me, but thats not even a main thing. It breaks my heart for him. He deserves happiness, and before he started to shut me off, I could see that he was truly happy. My heart breaks for him that he thinks he deserves less in life. And I imagine not being out to his family plays a part on the stress. So I really don't take it personal, or at least I'm getting there. I know he has to work on himself.

I'm still keeping my distance. I have hope, but at the same time, trying to keep my mind off of it and not putting all my hopes on it. I just needed to vent a bit here.

He's told me before that when he falls asleep with me, its the best sleep he gets since before he left for Iraq. That I'm the first person in his life that he's said I love you to in 5 years. Like I said, my heart breaks for him.

 

[james84]

So I've been doing a lot of soul-searching, and i'm starting to find peace. Heres a journal entry verbatim, that is sort of my sense of closure.

I’m scared. But in a way, I’m relieved. So short-ish version of a full story:

I met an army vet who I fell in love with. It was fast, but it also felt right. And it was real. We were crazy about each other. There was a connection that was unexplainable. He loved me for every part of me, and me to him. Thats never happened to me before.

Then combat PTSD started to come into the mix. I know most people don’t know what that is, and there’s no real need for me to fully explain it because it is very complex and even I don’t fully understand it. but I will say in times of stress, it made him not able to handle any sort of emotion, good or bad. He started to drift away. He started to become emotionally numb. I saw the person I loved disappear, and become just a shell of what he once was. I read online that once these episodes die down, they can start to process their emotions and a lot of them come back to the relationship they previously couldn’t handle emotionally. He even told me he would shut me out eventually, but that it would pass. And I held onto that promise for a while after things ended. But I can’t hold onto that anymore. He now says I shouldn’t and that he’ll never be able to be with anyone, even though the things he says right now are very unemotional due to what he’s going through right now. Something is missing in him.

I don’t get attached to people easily. I have a hard time letting people in. But once I do, I’m f*cking all in, ride or die. I will do anything for you once you f*cking have me. I would have rode through this storm with him. I’m not naive. I know it would’ve been hard. It would have been draining. And i knew the PTSD would never go away. But it could be managed. i thought it was worth it. But i can’t make him want to get better. It can’t be a one-sided relationship.

It breaks my heart that he accepts this as his life. He doesn’t think he can change. He seems to accept that he can never have love, that he can never have a relationship. I know he could, with the right resources, it could have worked. But I can’t make him take that step for me. At this point, he just doesn’t want to.

I still have my sad feelings. but its getting better. And i still am angry. Im angry he gave so much f*cking time to fight a war for this country and will never be the same because of it. Soldiers give up a lot of sacrifice, and a lot of them come back with PTSD. I will say this whole thing has given me such a huge appreciation for what soldiers do for this country, and the mental war they take from that after they come home.

Im not angry or bitter towards him though. I know its not him. I know its the disorder. I loved him. I still love him. I need to take the relationship as an amazing time in my life, and a brief period of true happiness and feeling for his. But i need to move on.

Dont get me wrong, I still have trouble not thinking about him, and I'll always have hope he'll come back to me. But it just cant be a focus anymore. It just eats away at me too much.

 

[steven85]

I had the exact same thing happen to me recently. Reading what you went through and how you handled it has made me feel so much better. Thank you for sharing this, it means SO much to me. I can't seem to shake what happened. The what-if's keep playing in my head. I just hope that he can find happiness one day.

 

[james84]

I go through that exact same thing. But there just came a point where I was the only one trying, and it was too much. I still think about him, but I try not to dwell. I do still love him. I really hope he finds happiness, I think thats the part that hurts the most actually.

 

[kabeh394]

Lee, I was in a same sex relationship for four years, we met just three days after his return to Fort Drum from Iraq. We were both active duty at the time, things progressed very quickly, we moved in together off post after a year together, made a home together, took vacations, the whole works. He was my best friend and we were inseparable (aside from our military duties of course). One night, after a night of drinking, Luke had a flashback, punched a hole in the well, screamed, threw a tantrum, the whole bit, I walked up behind him, threw my hands around him, and talked him down (I have no idea how). he threw up right there on the spot. I encouraged him to seek help but he assured me it was isolated and that it had more to do with the alcohol and so there would be no more drinking. (Even with my military training, I didn't recognize this as PTSD because as I said, it was isolated, no nightmares (in fact he didn't remember his dreams at all). He did have outbursts, but nothing that raised alarm for me, Luke was a pretty positive person, attentive, affectionate, called/texted every day, we had lunch together at home or on post, (we weren't in the same unit or brigade so I'm trying to impress he made effort to see and spend time with me everyday). Later, I found out he cheated on me repeatedly while we were in NY, even went so far as to take my car (our car) once while I was asleep up stairs to meet up for a hook up! This was not the person he showed me but I believe there was a struggle inside of him from the get go.


We ETS'D (end term of service) a month apart and he remained faithful from this point until we broke up earlier this year. I didn't find out about these "excursions" until the end of our relationship. When I play back all of the tender moments in our relationship, I struggle with asking if any of it was real because in the end, he broke up with me. Five days later, he had a breakdown and ended up in the hospital with a PTSD diagnosis, I was bewildered, but also relieved. Finally, he would be getting the help he needed and maybe we would come out stronger. So needless to say, I was willing to work through it which he agreed. He told me he missed me, that he loved me, but he never apologized, my heart was torn! He was supposed to go into an intensive program (that never happened), either Luke refused treatment or the hospital said it wasn't severe enough (which I doubt) so he made arrangements with me to stay in our home until he could get himself together and find out his next step. I agreed, but that weekend was the last time I saw or heard from him. He was a zombie when I went to pick him up (as soon as he got into the car, I knew I had "lost" him). He shut himself in our home, didn't contact his family for three days, (I was actually afraid for my life at this point) ironic huh? I had no idea what he was capable of but I knew he wasn't the same guy I loved!

By the third day, Luke put his hands on my face because he was threatening to ingest an entire bottle of pills, I stopped him. Later, he pushed me and punched me in the stomach, (our relationship had NEVER been violent or physical until this point). That is when I left, screw the house, the stuff in it, I'm out! I wish I could tell you that is where it ended. Our bills, Luke ignored every joint financial obligation we had, we had a vehicle repossessed this year, he abandoned our home, but not before he moved in some 22 year old (guy looks like a drug addict). He blocked me, on FB, his phone, address, he's not interested in anything that ties him to me in any way, (fight or flight), you will hear that a lot in here. This year has taught me a lot, I flipped out, I didn't understand, I wanted answers, and I wasn't getting them. The VA was no help (the care is great but nobody could give me any basic sense of understanding for why this was happening), I nearly ended up in the hospital myself. I lost 25 pounds in a month (I'm 6'1 and only weighed 170). I was watching every good thing in my life slip through the cracks without the ability to do anything except watch! The last thing he said to me is "You'll never hear from me again". This man was the love of my life or so I thought, this didn't make sense!

I'm telling you this because I still love him (at least some part of me does) but I can't fix him. The new relationship, the avoidance of me, of our responsibilities, the blame and hatred, the lack of treatment for PTSD, these things will catch up with him at some point but I am starting to think I dodged a bullet in some regard, Luke isn't a bad person, but I can empathize with you. He hurt me very deeply, I hope he figures this thing out, and I really want to wish him happiness. I'm not quite there yet!