Getting A Service Dog.


K was vomiting in the early hours and looked in pain.
Off to the Vet who decided that somehow she has a infection.
Pain, anti-inflammatory and a big whack of antibiotics plus home to and a return to the soft food diet and more oral antibiotics and anti-nausea tablets.

Curled up in her basket next to me almost all day. Sleeping. Not travelling anywhere with her sick plus no vet available where family reside. So staying home for the weekend.

It's been a tough week on a number of fronts and I am exhausted.

My brain is playing catch me if you can with information. My memory is slow and sludgy. My panic attacks are gaining intensity and I feel a bit depressed. I am over-tired and stressed out. Having intrusive thoughts about the assault and still big flashes of

Going to bed and hopefully sleep.


K has had a bad week but I honestly think she is getting better. She's had another few rounds of injections and ongoing tablets. She finished the last of them yesterday and today she was all over me in a rash.

She's very velcro at the moment but that will wear off when she re-discovers how boring I am.

She galloped outside (because if you saw her you would say gallop too) and promptly rolled in the newly mown grass and is now Kermit green which would have been the perfect colour for her when she was ill but anyhow... this is what you get for feeling your oats I suppose.

I have taken her off her soft diet and she is now completely back on her kibble - thank God! She ate an entire bone this afternoon and looked like she could go for another if it was available... noooo! So instead she messed around with me while I tried to plant some saplings and tubes. It's spring and this is the first nicer sort of day I have had in ages.

I hope this is the end of her issues. I have been working throughout and she has been asleep in her basket, barely acknowledging me most days. I thought she might have been feeling better when she decided to annoy me while I was working. We had several sessions of opening and shutting the door, with her going in and out and turning around and waiting for me to open it again to let her back in. I mean I got so sick of it so I told her I am not opening and shutting the door all day, make up your mind. So she went back to her basket... hmmm... she is cheeky now so she is getting better?


K has become accustomed to being mollycoddled and now she is demanding that the attention she received becomes the enduring status. Nope... But I did get up extra early this morning and took her for a nice walk. At lunch time we played fetch and frisbee and another walk tonight after tea. We may do some more training later if I am up to it but likely another early night for me.

Bad sleep for me last night and I dunno why. Strange dreams and nightmares are nocturnal visitors atm. I am waking with a intense sense of dread and I don't even know why. Very ptsd stuff.


K is doing well, she is playing frisbee, doing zoomies around the yard while I water my seedlings and generally acting the fool. It's so lovely to see her happy, silly personality bubbling back. She is back to watching me do the house-work with a disgusted look on her face and follow me around just in case something I touch might make food appear. Her beagleness is back and she is eternally optimistic.

When she was sick, both vets commented on her weight and that I was doing very well keeping her so trim and fit... said she will live longer and live healthier if I keep her like she is.. ironic then that she was at the vets bc she was sick??

If only they knew the mental manipulations she tries on. I can see why a lot of beagles end up obese and stay that way. I have been reducing her food back to just kibble and boy she is acting like her throat is cut.... But I also know that the food she does get is packed with nutrients and she simply doesn't need any more so I have to remind myself that she's just genetically dispositioned to be a hunter/gatherer/guts whether she needs it or not. Poor thing... It's a bit of a process but once she gets used to being back on her usual diet, she'll give me a bit more trouble and then give it up. I think she thinks I am mean. She is right. ha!

Work is going well and working from home is fine. I have some more equipment arriving this week which will help a lot. Eventually I will need to spend some time at a workplace but not for a while and I am honestly in no hurry at all. Hybrid working system will do me fine. I am getting to know my workmates slowly but it's strange because we only communicate electronically. I have 'met' another newbie and we are working out ways to learn and train from home, foraging the organizations websites for material we need and sending it to each other if it is helpful. It's like we have made a secret pact to help each other out so it is working really well.

I love getting paid and to be honest it feels like a bonus which is a wonderful way to feel. I am interacting back with the community even if it is through technological media. I feel better about myself for working and I am less anxious and fractious. I have to keep to a strict routine to cope with the mental fatigue but that's okay because it's good that I make myself eat, sleep, organise and exercise. It's the first time in a long time. Probably it's an awful shame it took returning to the paid workforce to force myself to do so though.

Family are so pissed off with me... especially those that thought I would always be around to look after them.


Big trip driving and staying to care for family this weekend. So shopping, paying bills, cooking, cleaning and tech trouble shooting the entire weekend. 🙄

I got home a few hours ago, quite exhausted tbh.

It seems there have been some storms in my absence and winds have broken branches on my fruit trees.. so they're a not looking great atm. I am sure they will recover though. So I've spent a couple of hours pruning off the damaged limbs and taking off the fruit. Here this month, it seems like August is back because that is traditionally the month when the damaging winds come. But no it's mid September this year.

My cherry trees are just about to break out with buds and leaves. My mulberry tree has literally thousands of fruits on it. I've been gifted a whole pile of strawberry plants so I am going to plant them soon.

K has been running about checking out the yard - making sure she cannot scent any trespassers. I have brought forward her meal time by two hours - to five o'clock. I think she's happier with that time, it give her some time to rehydrate. Kibble makes her drink a bit. She doesn't bother me when I have my meals... we sorted out that issue a long, long time ago.

Ugh... I am so, so tired... putting dinner on and going to get myself off to bed early tonight. Tomorrow will be a big day. Lots of meetings and appointments.


So this evening my sis called and I listened to the usual drill, bad husband, bad day, bad, work, bad migraine, bad sleep, bad finances and bad health. Once she had sifted through all of that we got finally around to what I had been up to which went like; looking after elderly family and work. So not much actually.

Then I dared to ask when she planned to go and help out with elderly family because well, you know, it 'takes a village' and all that. She took on the serious tone and informed me, that she has children and but for them she'd definitely help out. I pointed out she just had a week with no kids and has every second weekend plus two days with no kids.... So then she seriously wanted me to believe that she was in survival mode right now and had to make the incredibly hard decision not to help with elderly family because she needs to preserve herself.


So I said nothing for the rest of the phone call and I do mean nothing. I just sat on the end of the phone and let her drown in her own dribble and further justifications as to why for the last five years she has done f*k all to care for elderly family, even when some of them died. Eventually I told her I had to go and said good-night.

She does have capacity to help occasionally and no, it's not carting your kids into elderly family home and making it a 'holiday for them'. It is about just simply leaving the trivia behind and getting in the car and going and doing. Not having fun, not expecting anything in return, not making a big deal about it, not being a d*ckhead but it is all about being part of a family and one that has been quite generous to her over the years in lots of small and meaningful ways. I am disappointed for her because she will again miss out on the last few years of elderly family and disappointed when I listen to elderly family make excuses peeled straight out of her choir book as to why, yet again, she has not come to help at all.

Anyhow I need to take my dog for a walk and go to bed. Maybe I will get a better sleep tonight. I have to start writing my nightmares out by my bedside. T says it takes some of the sting out of them and sort of empty's the brain so I don't try to subconsciously try to recall them and tip them back into the cycle again. Not sure if I believe any of that but willing to give it a shot.

Last night I had a nightmare where I needed to be given euthanasia drugs because idk I must of needed to die I guess. And every time the doctor said, 'so are you right to go' and I gasped 'yes' he pressed the syringe in and I waited and waited but damn it, didn't die and I'd gasp, 'it didn't work' and he'd say, 'yeah we need to do it again'. Set that on cycle for idk a fair while and what a stupid, frustrating night-mare!


wow -- hubby and I were just talking about this.

I'm still pissed off with my brother for his constant excuses about why he couldn't be around when our mom was dying. And some of them were totally, totally lame. He just didn't want to be there. Period. So it all fell on me - while I was juggling the disaster of my own life.

It's gonna be a talk with t at some point because it's been 2 years and I'm still angry (hey! anger!) with him. I basically cut contact with him because I just can't deal with his drama and I'm so disappointed in how he acted.

No words o wisdom but....I get it.