Getting A Service Dog.

[blackemerald1]

Thank you for your support @Sideways. I've just spent moost of the afternoon with the NDIS person sorting out some very basic details of who I am and where I am. ..sigh... I mean honestly the tax man finds me! But okaaayah!

I've got an appointment next week to help me determine what reports I have, what I still need and what they should say. Then I've got to make a second appointment to take all of my reports and paperwork to get it uploaded by them or certified and mailed... shrug... I don't know really...

But my gp is away till mid Feb. Going to try and email her and see if she can stop and help me fill in these stupid forms. My psychdoc is happy to send a report as are my other doctors. NDIS apparently can be very sensitive about how information is presented to them so yeah..

It's all happening!! Oh my God! New Year and all and I'm up to my eyeballs in lots of things.

I began to apply for the ndis when it was first rolled out but lost my way, got super depressed and gave up. Now my doc's are telling me to keep it together long enough to try again.

^Underlined for me to remind myself ..shrug..

This time round, and I know this is very ptdsish - I've got this strange fatalistic attitude that shit is going to happen to me, fires will burn me down, my dog cannot come because of I dunno ...we run out of avgas or something... or it gets kidnapped by aliens and I cannot afford the ransom or this pain in my abdomen isn't really a stitch but is acute appendicitis beginning to happen and the NDIS will freeze all new applicants till a Royal Commission gives it's outcomes and, and I'm never going to achieve anything good ever again.

Depression is hitting me so hard right now. I can barely smile at all. I'm off my tucker, off my exercise, cannot sleep & when I do it's wakeful sleep so not refreshing and therefore I've got no energy except to sit around and hate myself. ugh...

 

[Freida]

I've got this strange fatalistic attitude that shit is going to happen to me, fires will burn me down, my dog cannot come because of I dunno ...we run out of avgas or something... or it gets kidnapped by aliens and I cannot afford the ransom or this pain in my abdomen isn't really a stitch but is acute appendicitis beginning to happen and the NDIS will freeze all new applicants till a Royal Commission gives it's outcomes and, and I'm never going to achieve anything good ever again.

This sucks :( I'm so sorry. Does it help at all to think of it as just your ptsd having a tantrum because you aren't giving it as much attention now that you have been diverted to thinking about the good thing that is coming into your life? so its' going to stomp its feet and scream and blah blah -- anything to keep you engaged. PTSD has to fight really hard to get thru the happiness of a the dog -- so ya, it's bringing out the big guns.

But it is lying to you.
You do deserve good things
You do deserve to be happy
You will achieve things. You already are, every single day :hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

Oh it seems my misery has found someone else who knows this ptsdish prank and the depression @Freida?? Hello there ptsd, always hiding around corners, putting me right off my biscuit.

Well not today!

I've been to the library today and downloaded something that helps prove to the government who I am, again.

Triumphant over my own depression?

Got up, dressed, tied hair into a knot, threw on yesterday's clothes (yuk) & jumped into car. Found myself outside library just in time. No breakfast - I just wanted to do one damn thing.

And I did.
One goal it seems has been kicked.
Countless more to go. Like wading through treacle on a cold day. ..sigh..

 

[DharmaGirl]

Oh, @blackemerald1, I'm still wearing yesterday's clothes! At least you got out of yours. I think with all you've got going, you deserve a little depression. Now you're up and fighting so no harm done. In a way. You know what I mean.

 

[blackemerald1]

Thanks @DharmaGirl - I know what you mean.

Mum's just got the flu or a flu like virus & isn't coping well. She wants me to come.

It's building up to some very hot conditions here so I'm watering my garden, packing a bag, refuelling the car & heading off to look after her.

ndis application is going to have to wait, I've done a few more jobs in prep for my dog arriving but not everything.

I'm doing all of this stuff but I feel dead inside. I feel like I'm watching someone else do this, going through the motions. Really tired, working my little strategies I have to keep moving because... I don't even feel like.. anything.

I've got this beautiful little dog coming soon, a couple of weeks away. I keep telling myself, over and over. As if this will motivate me to feel better, to do better. Nope.

I don't know why I feel so depressed? I should be feeling so good, motivated & excited. Instead I'm thinking what's going to happen to make this a disaster? I'm half way down the road to being disappointed when there's nothing to be disappointed about. And now mum needs help.

 

[Sideways]

I should be feeling so good, motivated & excited.

Remember that you aren't getting this dog because you superfly, carefree, everything's going awesome. And having an AD can make a whole heap of things change/easier/more manageable.

But one of the things they can't do? Is take away your mental illness.

I'm sorry you're down. Even without the threat of bushfire (which is a whole lot, just in itself - if your neighbour was down because the threat of fires was getting to them emotionally and mentally, you'd empathise, right?), it's really hard to be in a good mood in this weather. It seems to get to almost everyone, to the point where the kids want to go back to school by now because at least school is air-conditioned. Seeing someone bouncing around in joy in this type of weather warrants concern.

Then add to all that, you have ptsd. So, try and cut yourself a break on depression hanging around.

Instead I'm thinking what's going to happen to make this a disaster? I'm half way down the road to being disappointed when there's nothing to be disappointed about.

This would be standard ptsd thoughts even if you hadn't had the recent experience with B.

Fingers crossed for you that this time it goes smoothly. That K is totally awesome, healthy as, and gets to stay. If the depression doesn't shift at all with all that? At least you'll have K looking out for you and helping you make the regular daily routine happen despite yourself, which is gold all by itself.

It would also be really good if the bushfires would just quit in your area - but in the absence of that occurring, know that we've all still got you and your safety on our minds, k?

 

[blackemerald1]

Just got an email. Trainer and K are packing and on their way soon and will arrive Monday afternoon. Yay!!

But also... nope feeling.

I don't know if I've got all the bits inside that are necessary to love again.

This depression (?) is exhausting me.

What am I doing. It'll be a debacle?

What happens if K gets sick. Maybe it's me, I make things sick just by being around me. Maybe it's my home or what's in it.

Been to T, been to psydoc. Touched reality and bounced back into this strange place.

Disassociating all over the place. Cannot keep my head in the same place as my brain.
Edited to fix all of my spelling errors omg?

 

[Sideways]

Hugs, definitely:hug:

What am I doing.

Taking a risk at potential growth and happiness. Scary. Worth it.

 

[bellbird]

Hugs, b.
Scary, but worth it. Just like my surgery, yeah? :hug:

 

[scout86]

I don't know if I've got all the bits inside that are necessary to love again.

I'd be willing to bet you do. It's just that, right now, it doesn't feel like a safe thing to do.

What happened with the last dog was pretty strange. Most likely never to be repeated. Odds are, this will go fine. If the dog gets sick? You take her to the vet and then you all figure out what's causing it. As far as I know, there's no such thing as a home that's permanently toxic to dogs.

 

[Freida]

You have a lot of love to spare. Will it be nerve wracking at first? yep. But then? A whole new life :hug:

 

[blackemerald1]

Ok, nearly finished tidying up for the trainer and K to arrive tomorrow. whew...

I've got to sleep before the birds start to twitter in the early am so I'm not so tired.