Getting Closer To Truth And Dissociation

[canucklady]

I went to session today, and was very difficult to stay present with doctor. It is like the closer I get to memories, the more I dissociate. Also there is a part of me that wants to cancel all sessions and then there is another part that knows that I need to process this. Doctor says it is all normal. But then the conflict between these two parts just causes me to freeze, not knowing what to do next.

I am not even sure any of this is making sense. Dr tells me I am afraid or phobic about getting to know myself. I am not really sure what she meant by that. All I know is that I felt nauseous after she said that. I mean, what is happening, I am losing a grip on reality or something. Yes I am still able to go to work and be sort of like on auto pilot.

It was very difficult making eye contact in session today, I am sure she told me to stay present dozens of times. The usual things were not working, like listening to clock ticking or counting and breathing.

There is something definitely wrong with me. Just not sure if it is even fixable.

 

[kers]

There's nothing wrong with you. That's the scary part. It's scary to face that nothing is wrong with us--that what's wrong is what was done to us.

It's scary to face all this. I know, because I go through the same thing every week myself. But we are on the right track, canucklady. Keep at it, even when you want to run away and hide.

 

[Farine]

Canucklady,

Just a quick note to let you know I read your post. I've heard it said that your subconscious can hear your conscious thoughts. Can you ask your Doctor if it's ok to talk to your other 'parts?' Personally, I am grateful to whatever part of me helped me survive. I say thank you a lot because I have spent time on automatic pilot in the past. All of our personality and mental strength was needed to survive. YOu did that. I, for one, am glad you are here. Nice to meet you! I was taught in my therapy to honor my coping skills - including disassociation.. I am in the process of learning better coping skills.

Take gentle care ok?
Farine

 

[canucklady]

I think the main problem is I don't feel like have any control over my emotions or dissociation. I just walk into T and am there, but not really there. Like something is blocking me. Then all of a sudden I get scared or overwhelmed with sadness because start getting these thoughts like am just wasting her time and don't really deserve to be there. The thing is I am not sure where those thoughts come from. So then to forget about it all I just throw myself into work, working 12 hours a day, so don't have to think about stuff. This usually works, but lately am so tired even at work, not sure how much longer can keep this up.