Getting People Out Of Your Head.

[CraftyCath]

Cath, my heart goes out to you. I have no answers, but compassion and empathy! Hang in there!

@Pottershand Thank you so much for your kind words, I really do appreciate them. I am glad there are people who truly understand. I too seem to think that these people will one day come to their senses and I guess my pride is hurt because I never got an apology for the hurt they caused so I can have no closure. It is my guess that these people are avoiding me so they do not have to deal with what they did, that they are living in denial - living a lie.

They do have the power but surly that is only because we let them have it? If that is so then how do we stop it, how do we let go? I am very tenacious. One of my school teachers one said that 'Cath will not give up on a problem until she solves it.' I am still that way, I want to solve it to clear the air.

One of the things I have thought about recently is the personality types of these people. The first is definitely delusional. She has accused me of saying things that I obviously didn't, and never would, say. She even said that I had accused her of sexually abusing her son - which I did not! It seems she blames me for an awful lot and I believe she is subconsciously seeing the wrong in her own life, transferring it to me and then blaming me for it. More accusation. She was my closest friend for many years and if I am honest I was always afraid of her. I am no longer afraid of he and perhaps she sees this and is now afraid herself?

The second person is even more tricky as she is mixed up with some dark stuff and sees things. She believe she is 'further on' than others, used me to do course work for her to gain an education, cannot cope with my husband and sons and leaches off me. Until the day she shouted at me to stop speaking as I was defending my son against her accusations. I rang her the next day but she wouldn't apologise and still thinks I am in the wrong. Her loss.

The third is more tricky as she is my husbands sister. I am still connected with her and after many accusations from her I have confronted her but she is still 'right' in her own mind. The tricky thing here is that I think she shows classic signs of Aspergers Syndrome. My husband is Aspergic, his Dad is and both my sons are. It is quite likely that her behaviour is linked with Aspergers. Along with this is the fact that she shows a classic Passive/Aggressive personality. She makes herself vulnerable and and helpless and there is a simmering anger underneath (She thinks anger is a sin so it is never shown). People then fall over backwards to help her. One thing I have learnt about Passive/Aggressive types is that you cannot win with them, you cannot help them to change themselves. They have to see a need to change and while others fall at her feet and do everything for her she will see no need to change.

We grow by facing our fears and overcoming them. It seems to me that these people never will as long as they live in denial and not in reality.

Loving and caring for those that don't return it, is that co-dependency?

I think this used to be true of me PH. I still care but there is no way I would put the needs of these people above my own and that of my family ever again. I do wonder if that is what made them all back off? That I had had enough of being a slave to them and there leaching off me and they realised they could get nothing else form me. Friendship wasn't enough for them but it was all I ever asked for. I never wanted anything else but it seemed they just drained me of everything I had until there was nothing more I could give and then moved on to others. I feel sorry for the others!

I wonder if they are still in my head because there is a residual need within me to take back some of what I gave, to punish them, to teach them the error of their ways, to vindicate myself. This is surely pride? I have to find away to stop this.

 

[Deleted member 6617]

I can have no closure

I think that is the hardest part for me. It feels like there needs to be/should be closure. But to me, closure is resolution and/or forgiveness. But how can that happen if there is no admittance to wrong, or at least some explanation that makes sense of why they believe lies. I keep asking myself what could I have done different?

I want to solve it to clear the air.

This keeps me awake at night and causes many tears. Doesn't a history of friendship count for anything? Some explanation, some apology, some answers, or at least some communication? I want to say "Look, this is why what you are saying, or believing about me doesn't even make sense". It is so painful to leave things so raw and hurtful.

there is a residual need within me to take back some of what I gave, to punish them, to teach them the error of their ways, to vindicate myself.

Oh boy, I beat those feelings back daily. They are not healthy nor helpful. I can't remember the reference, but there is a verse in the Bible about showering your enemies with love and kindness and if they are truly your enemies it is like showering them with hot coals. Kinda graphic, but it helps me keep the punishment and vindication thoughts out of my head.

I hope you are doing better. I hope you are finding some peace. :hug:

 

[CraftyCath]

@Pottershand

Hi there sweetie!

I think that those who have hurt us lie to themselves, they keep the lie up to justify themselves and keep their own guilt at bay. The past friendship means little to them because they paint us in a bad light and believe that it is our fault. Meeting half way would be so much easier for all concerned but deep inside they know they are wrong and so they keep up the lie, not to fool us but to fool themselves. The fact that other people believe the lies is dumbfounding! I just don't get how intelligent people can believe that I am the bad guy when it so obviously isn't in my character to be what they accuse me of. 'No one is blinder than he who will not see.' If only they just asked us instead of making snap judgements.

We probably couldn't have done anything differently, people are fickle. Moving on is hard. I think that if I could just have that apology then I could move on but how do you get an apology from someone who believes they are right? We could meet halfway but they just wont. It is my guess that these x-friends are more fearful than I and have more to loose. It takes a brave person to want to clear the air.

That bible verse is one that sticks in my head a lot too. I know that if these people were willing to meet half way then there would be forgiveness. I don't think I would allow them back in my life but I would be able to forgive and show them that I have no hard feelings and they can be at peace. My feelings of self-vindication come from the inability to clear the air between us, the frustration. Like you PH I fight those wrong feelings. It is hard isn't it?

Now I have another person trying to worm their way back into my life. I think she is trying but she is still being deceptive and secretive and as she is a family member I cannot cut her off completely. Why the secretiveness and lies if she is trying to make amends? She has bought an apartment and told everyone but us, we found out through a third party. We do not know why she treats us like this but she is not getting back into my life as she has shown that she has not changed. She is being kept on our outer circle.

I am still fighting the negative effects of these people but I think I am improving. My life is changing, I am getting stronger and enjoying life more. I only have room for people who encourage and strengthen not for those who's business is to pull me down.

I hope you are doing better PH, let me know how you get on. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 6617]

I hope you are doing better PH, let me know how you get on.

Thank you! I don't know if "better" describes how I am getting on. I have found a place of numbness and am trying to stay there. I have started back to counseling and am working through things with her, that is much better than floundering through it on my own.

The past friendship means little to them because they paint us in a bad light and believe that it is our fault.

That is the thing I have had the hardest time accepting and understanding. My counselor keeps telling me I will never understand it and I need to stop asking why. I know she is right and I need to focus NOT on the why on their part, but on the how to heal on my part.

I am still fighting the negative effects of these people but I think I am improving. My life is changing, I am getting stronger and enjoying life more. I only have room for people who encourage and strengthen not for those who's business is to pull me down.

I love this statement! Three Cheers For You! :hug: My counselor has been telling me I am a "bad picker" of friends and I need to surround myself with people who encourage and support. She keeps sticking me with the "co-dependency" label. UHG....I got to get over that!!!!! So, we are working on me. My boundaries, my co-dependency tendencies, my people pleasing tendencies, and my view of myself because that is where it all has to start to change. Until I can love and accept myself, I will keep attracting the kind of friends who don't love and respect me because I don't love and respect myself.

I am so happy for you and your new job. Wow....a craft store....how wonderful!!! I hope you get store discounts!!!! Keep getting stronger and keep finding things to enjoy and surrounding yourself with positive people who encourage you. I am in your cheering section!!!! :hug:

 

[CraftyCath]

Until I can love and accept myself, I will keep attracting the kind of friends who don't love and respect me because I don't love and respect myself.

Hi PH, so glad you have gone back to counselling. I used to be such a sycophant, always trying to please even if I got hurt. My therapist told me that once I started to change I would begin to attract a different type of person - he was so right!

Now that I am more positive, have started to stand up for myself and developed as a person (I am not 'there' yet but I'm on my way) I am meeting people who are supportive of me as I am of them, who a honest about their lives and are fun to be around. I still haven't got the others out of my head but they are there less. I hope they will eventually go completely.

Be patient with yourself PH , we don't change overnight but it is definitely true that the change has to begin with us.

I just hope that these people in our heads will be kicked out because we no longer need them, we no longer seek vindication. I will consider myself free when I stop thinking about them.

Good luck PH and let me know how you get on. :hug:

 

[Deleted member 6617]

Be patient with yourself PH , we don't change overnight but it is definitely true that the change has to begin with us.

I am finding with change in myself, the pain is less overwhelming, and I can begin to separate my mind and heart, rational and emotional, actions from the one acting out. I'm a work in progress!

Now that I am more positive, have started to stand up for myself and developed as a person (I am not 'there' yet but I'm on my way) I am meeting people who are supportive of me as I am of them, who a honest about their lives and are fun to be around.

A huge congratulations on the above. Your hard work is paying off! Keep it up @CraftyCath :tup::hug:

 

[CraftyCath]

Thanks PH, you are doing very well going back to therapy - it will work. :hug: