Relationship Girlfriend drowning

[Freida]

I never gave up because he never did.

This. ^^^^

From the sufferer side? Hubby hasn't given up on me because I'm working my ass off to try to keep my ptsd manageable. If I treated him like your guy treats you? He would be long gone.

Think of it without the ptsd excuse (and yes - you are both using ptsd as an excuse)

A happy relationship is helping the person you are with feel good about themselves.

A domestic violence relationship is making the person you are with feel like crap to make yourself feel better

Which one are you in?

 

[Sighs]

I could have written this. People on this site tried for a long time to tell me this was not PTSD but something more. I didn’t listen until I realised my life was at risk. Having a loaded rifle pointed at you tends to focus your thinking.
I’ve now been told by a friend who is also a psychologist that she believes my ex is a sociopath with psychopathic tendencies who also happens to have PTSD.
Leave. Leave now. It will never get any better.

 

[Deanna]

I agree with everyone. PTSD and Assholism are two different things. He's in your head. You need to take control of you and get away for a week and see your relationship from the outside. The house bonded you together in a mortgage but it can be sold. It's not going to be your only house in your life. I just feel a strong emphasis on 'the house' from you. Are you entrapped in your house? ( p.s. I'm a sufferer)

 

[NIKI]

never an apology. NEVER.

What you describe in your post sounds like the behavior of a narcissist. My father is a narcissist and being around him is like a living hell. Please research Narcissistic behavior.

they despise people who put up with their abuse

Yes. They think that those who put up with their abuse are pathetic. Energy vampires. They have no light inside them they need to steal others light. lunalight mentions in the beginning of the relationship she was full of positivity so much so that her boyfriend remarked on it. Jealousy. Sounds like he has no positivity/light of his own so hers needs to be destroyed. Jealousy. That is what I am seeing from her post.

 

[candor]

I will add myself to the list of women who didn’t listen. Four years ago, I sounded a lot like you. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about your post. You asked for advise so here you go:
1) Do not live with an abuser. Move out. Safety comes first and psychologically and physically you are at high risk of loosing everything you have achieved and fought for in your life.
2) Educate yourself.
3) Never engage when he is baiting you into a fight. This practice will prove invaluable later in life.
4) Do not raise your voice, use sarcasm or provoke. Instead become a ninja at diffusing and avoiding conflicts. You need to change. He is unlikely to ever change
5) Communicate when it feels safe or through writings
6) Dont get pregnant with him. Not fair to your kids even if all they do is watch.

I did these things and he finally responded with a certain amount of respect. He doesn’t love or respect himself so the bar is low on what I can expect. When he rages, he hangs up or walks away. We meet usually in public places for short periods. I try not to think of it as heart breaking even if it is. Ptsd makes things worse but he suffers from schizotypal and is either comorbid borderline or more likely CPTSD. It can never be more than coffee shops, movies and once a year intimacy/love shots followed by long periods of avoidance. He could choose to ghost me at anytime. Whatever I or you get from this relationship is whatever you tell yourself cause no one else will be able to understand it. I can say to myself that I have become a better person. I can say that I have truely gotten to know another side of me. People that care about you will worry ...a lot. I understand having to do what you have to do. You came here cause you are smart. But smart people cant use their heads in a toxic environment and they often can’ t see that they hold the key to their own self destructive ways. Mindset must change from what he is doing to you, to what you are doing to you with the choices you make.

THIS->

On a number of occasions, a fun happy night will quickly turn into some of the worst fights I've ever been a part of because he "thought of something I did last week that he didn't like and shouldn't have to endure".

Boy can I relate to this! Happiness, pleasure or any kind of positive high followed by involuntary rage. All I can say is leave the reasoning to the neuroscientists. It could be hormonal, developmental issues but therapy and meds have not helped my guy. Alcohol is self medication. Avoid it.

My friend was able to contain it for 1 year and then when we got sexual for one night, the rage came back in all its glory and I have not seen him for 3 months. I can’t know what he is going through. Judging people in this kind of pain is not useful in my opinion but you need to desensitize or get out of harms way.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Welcome to the forums... and to the roller coaster. I noticed some things in your post, so I’ll just start from the top.

I want to know how to get things back to how they were.

That was a honeymoon phase... it’ll never be like that again. Things got real, so you know better now. Most of the honeymoon phase is pure and simple ignorance. We don’t know what our partner is really like. Everybody is still on their best behavior, and the Love Goggles are firmly on. Once that wears off people get comfortable and start showing their true nature. That just isn’t PTSD relationships, that’s all relationships. You have the added fun of the mental health issue thrown in there. We as supporters have no clue what we’re getting into there at the beginning either... even when we know our new flames have a diagnosis. A new exciting relationship is a distraction for a sufferer, or it’s easier to mask symptoms when somebody doesn’t know them inside out yet. We have no idea what symptoms even look like. Then the shit hits the fan.

He refuses to talk to someone, and similarly, refuses me talking to someone about how to support his PTSD.

Nothing will get better if he refuses to work on his mental health. This is a red flag. If he does not work on it, it’s not going to get any better than this.

There are honestly moments when I question if he has PTSD or if he's just a narcissist.

Do you know if he has been diagnosed with PTSD? Or if he has ever had any kind of treatment?

He is determined to keep some of his friendships hidden from me, something I've read is a trait of PTSD and that I've been told by our mutual friends he does regularly to protect some of his privacy.

Privacy and space can be very important. Secrecy and hiding things are very different. That’s not how relationships work. I don’t need to know everything my partner does, and I don’t need to personally know or like his friends, but he isn’t hiding anything from me.

He doesn’t get to be mean to you because he has PTSD. He doesn’t get to blame you for his mental health. HE is responsible for himself and his behaviors.

 

[blackemerald1]

Sufferer here. I've held off responding because I wanted other supporters to give voice to your post. I agree with everything said too.

Here is my take on your situation.

Just as I'm not sure what I hope to get out of it.

^Yeah you are very confused. In less than a year you've met this man, courted, moved in with him, lost a pregnancy and find yourself in enemy territory. That's a lot of change for even the very most stable of minds - both sides.

Just as I'm not sure what I hope to get out of it. But I need something,

^If you need someone to give you permission to leave find a good friend, loving relative and read them your post. Or a campus counsellor or someone who has no vested interest in seeing the relationship stay or go. Honestly, go and find yourself some therapy to help you navigate this problem and time of your life.

I felt I somewhat understood, having suffered from depression and anxiety for years. I wanted to help him, soothe him. I felt I could do that.

^You have a heart and had the best of intentions. As already suggested you are not responsible for his mental health.

He may well be telling you now that you fall short of what he needs. Well done him! It's time too, for you to assess whether or not you have the resources to meet all of his demands.

It's also time when you assess whether he is giving back to you what you need from a man/partner/relationship. That's a big one ^^ You were not put on this earth to save him. Don't ever entertain that notion. :cautious:

Sadly, shortly after, I lost the baby.

^I'm so sorry this happened to you. I don't care how early in the pregnancy it was - it's still loss. I hope that you have had some support to help you deal with this.

He called me his light, his hope for a happy future.

^ That's a great thing to be told but I cringe - sorry. Can you see that maybe there was a lot of emphasis on you being all things to him? Rather than you both being a team and him talking about how he will love and support you and together both of you will.... etc

I felt his negativity infiltrate my being. His pessimism replacing my light, his intolerance teaching me the new right from wrong.

^Maybe he started to let the cape slide off his shoulders a little and you found a mere mortal man. Reality sets in eventually but other's have discussed this phenomena.

I just want help. I want advice.

^For sure you will get plenty of advice here and I hope it's helpful. What are your real life friends and family saying?

who can show me the utmost affection one moment, and treat me like absolute garbage the next.

^Red flag here. This is psychologically demeaning behaviour. Hot then cold, cold then hot... You start to crave the hot (affection) and dread anything might turn it off. Walking on eggshells.

His triggers are all over the place, so avoidance is near impossible.

^If he was receiving treatment then managing triggers would be high on the agenda. Are you talking about stressors or real triggers. There is a big difference. Just because something doesn't go his way etc doesn't necessarily mean he was triggered. Maybe it turned his mood... but did it trigger his ptsd? Good topic for him to discuss with a psychologist.

He is determined to keep some of his friendships hidden from me, something I've read is a trait of PTSD and that I've been told by our mutual friends he does regularly to protect some of his privacy. This leads to insecurities in me, which he tells me is unfair and controlling and something he shouldn't have to put up with.

^I'm not in complete agreeance about secrecy being a ptsd trait. I suppose it's true... not sure. But that's for another thread.

In reality as you build a relationship with someone various levels of disclosure occur and trust is established. I'm not concerned with his privacy or secrets because if this was a healthy relationship I think overtime he would drop his guard. Don't worry about this for now whether it's ptsd or not. Unless you feel that he might be doing something outside of the relationship that you would not agree to.

He yelled for, in no exaggeration, for 3 hours. Three. Yelling at the top of his lungs, throwing things, slamming things. Telling me he hates me, that I've made the last year of his life the worst he's ever had, that I'm a miserable b***h, that he wants me to leave.

^Quite the tantrum hey? I wouldn't be hanging around for another session like that. Do you want to be abused? If he cannot regulate himself and he does this ^ consider you options carefully.

I no longer know if it is indeed me. If I'm somehow making these "rude faces" and "condescending comments" that set him off. As he says he is a reflection of what he is given, he isn't mean unless someone is mean to him.

^Ok.. well maybe you are annoying him. But that's common - as familiarity grows amongst couples there are things that partners do that are irritating. That doesn't give him licence to be mean to you in retaliation. That's an immature response. Putting up with each other, regardless of love and all that... is part of being together.

This man is sounding like he feels trapped. Is he trapped... just asking because you need to be honest here and consider if the sequence of events you have described are all too much for him, happened far too quickly and now there is no baby to 'bind' you both together - he's wanting out.

Is he trying to get out of the relationship with you but doing it in a really immature and abusive way?

Maybe he doesn't have the necessary skills to uncouple from you nicely. Lots of people have no idea how to separate on good terms. Maybe he thinks there has to be this massive fall-out, tears and drama - just like on tv - before you can split?

Have a think whether you want to keep this going until something truly more awful happens?

That he wants to be mean to me more often than not because I deserve it. I deserve to feel the pain I've caused him. That all the nice things I do for him and our house mean nothing because I'm a c**t far too often.

^If any man said that to me... I would be packed up and gone before they drew another breath. I'm not exaggerating!

This is outright verbal abuse and he's flagging his intention to further abuse you soon.... He's telling you to expect more and possibly worse.

He tells me that the fate of our relationship rests on my shoulders and he should not and will not change for anyone.

^Ok.. fair enough. Imo if he's leaving you in charge of everything then you get to decide.

He's wanting to absolve himself of anything he's done (abuse) and what he will do in the future. (More abuse)
You do realise with statements like that - you will never be able to satisfy him??

we could have had the best life but I've ruined it.

^Oh honestly - he's blaming you for the rest of his life - again very immature. Don't fall for it. You are not responsible for him but you are responsible for yourself.

But when he does like me, he is so sweet and caring and affectionate.

^ Of course he was charming and completely adorable. Nobody falls for someone who is horrible to them. That's only part of the relationship. Now you are seeing the other side. We all have other sides. It's just what they are and whether you truly want to submit to what his is like. Honestly you are not to blame... or even if you were completely to blame... either way - it's time to consider walking away whilst you are still able to do so in a safe way.

I'm lost and confused and I need guidance. Please.

^Ptsd - untreated is a monster. Even treated appropriately by professionals - it's still very difficult for the sufferer to manage themselves and even worse for the supporter.

You barely know this man and what you are getting to know about him now isn't good unfortunately.

You have your own mental health to consider. Believe me depression and anxiety are extremely serious conditions and you need to look after yourself first.

 

[EveHarrington]

What you describe in your post sounds like the behavior of a narcissist. My father is a narcissist and being around him is like a living hell. Please research Narcissistic behavior.

Agreed.

What peaked my interest was the bit about never apologizing. My dad is the same way. He has never given anyone an apology, ever.

 

[Pinky76]

My husband can be like this, he turn a lovely day into a nightmare. He is negative most days and blames everyone for how he feels neglected. Its a nightmare to be around him sometimes, but the difference between mine and yours is he always apologises, he never calls me names and he has tried to get help. He had therapy for a year.
I know you don’t want to hear this, but I would get out of this relationship until you get in too deeply. Imagine if a friend was telling you this about her boyfriend, what would you advise her to do?
Ive been with my fella for over 20 years, but i think things were like this in the beginning I would have thought carefully about whether I should stay in the relationship. I love him too much to walk away now and on the whole we have a good relationship, but he is very draining at times.

 

[Rollercoaster4]

Relationships dont ever stay the same. So the notion it will go back isnt realistic. Take PTSD out of the equation. Would you allow any other person to treat you this way? Whether it is PTSD or cluster B or both, things as you described aren't okay and no person deserves that. Red flags point to emotional abuse no matter the origin or reason that is abusive. He has to help himself before help can be given to the relationship. Im very sorry you are experiencing this, but I know plenty who when symptomatic would not treat their SO like that. You cant "fix" any of it, you could be a saint and walk the perfect line and he would still react this way. It isnt you, it is something within him that is in turmoil and only he can address it.