Relationship Girlfriend Is Distant, Yet Retains Contact

[RecedingMoonlight]

She doesn't want to talk, but she doesn't want to not talk. does any of this sound familiar?

Yes, it does. My sufferer did this to me often. She wanted me to stay, but when I'd ask what's wrong she'd buckle up and say nothing. It looked like a fear dynamic of sorts - a desperate want to be understood and not abandoned (for my sufferer anyway) conflicting with a giant block of fear due to trauma. (and with fear comes anger reactions and isolation methods)

I always saw it like part of her wanting to have someone to protect her all while this monster dragging her along berates and triggers here like, "AHAHA aaaaaah, yeah no. This one won't protect you, just like the rest of em. May as well get angry at them and walk away." It was a really, really hard position for my sufferer - conflicting emotions suck. :(

 

[TheMinsterman]

Yes, it does. My sufferer did this to me often. She wanted me to stay, but when I'd ask what'...

It's such a tricky one, her complete withdrawal of affection and avoiding me obviously sends me one very clear message, I now don't love you and I don't want you around, which was hard for me to process, we've known each other so long, she's always wanted me and loved me, broken up with people because they weren't me etc so it was such a massive culture shock. It's like my past relationships where suddenly people lose interest and out of nowhere, bam, it's over, something I am always scared of.

Then on the other hand, she will text if I don't, she'll send me random messages on FB or memes, like my posts etc, sometimes she'll be talkative before withdrawing back again, so when it's like that it flips you around to... well, on some level you obviously do want me around and to talk to me. Then you're thinking so... does this mean we're still on, we're going to try to get back what we had? It's compounded by the fact she has never once stated she wants to break up, when I've asked about our relationship she just gets overwhelmed, can't really talk about it and doesn't know what to say. She did say it doesn't feel like we're in one at the moment, but then I don't disagree, our behaviour isn't like us, but then she said she understands she has not reacted well but right now can't deal with talking about it, then sent me articles about partners in relationships with PTSD sufferers, so again, you assume she obviously see's something there.

I am often left wondering if she has decided it is over, but can't say it (but then again, why not get it over with and get rid of me) or, she doesn't want it to be, but right now just cannot be affectionate, cannot be "herself". The lack of clarification and vagueness just leaves you picking up the crumbs of evidence and trying to figure the mystery out for yourself.

 

[dulcia]

her complete withdrawal of affection and avoiding me obviously sends me one very clear message, I now don't love you and I don't want you around

Are you sure this is the message she is intending to send? It may very well be, but I would make sure you are both on the same page before reading too much into anything. I think it is worth having a clear understanding of your relationship status. It doesn't have to be a long drawn out discussion or argument, but I think each of you deserve to at least have a basic understanding of it.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Are you sure this is the message she is intending to send? It may very well be, but I would make sur...

Her description was that she was "locking our relationship away for safety" as she began to spiral, but that was a while ago now, she has admitted she avoids me because my panic and worry made her worse, but when we made up following a fight she said she "wasn't going to stop talking to me". In terms of affection, we were ridiculously affectionate, she hasn't really said anything more affectionate than "thanks" in return for doing something for a while now.

I've brought it up, all I ever really get is she can barely hold herself together right now so can't talk about it (I'm not disputing that isn't the case tbf), but I've given her ample chances to just say "it's finished", she knows I love her and want to work things out, so my stance has always been clear. The only solace I've really had is that despite asking a few times she's never said she wants out or that she thinks we've broken up, I guess the longer it just keeps going and the fact we never really get close to what we had leaves me thinking it's just some inevitability being dragged out, best I get really is "see how it goes".

All I know is I can't do this forever it's been a month and a half already, I dread several more months like this. It's not the PTSD spiral I can't handle, it's the uncertainty around "us", I can deal with down days, anger etc if I know deep down she isn't going to toss me away (this could easily be tied to my own insecurities, every woman I've been with has suddenly gotten bored, changed overnight and then ditched me, so her "simple" PTSD reaction could easily just be checking boxes in my head). I know they're often not very clear, it's the mixed messages and the fact we live a few hundred miles apart that's the problem, I rely solely on text messages to discern things as she's not keen on phone calls atm and gets fidgety if I suggest coming to see her (she used to miss me and always want me to go down).

It takes a ton of will power to not just walk away, I am afraid that if nothing improves soon (not like within the next day or so) I'll be reduced to that option because 3-4 months of not having a firmer commitment, even if thing's are still rocky is too much for me personally. People ask me how "we" are etc and I have to just lie, if I am single I'd prefer to just grieve and be able to move on. I guess I am scared she's clinging on for her own sake and will eventually ditch me.

 

[dulcia]

It's not the PTSD spiral I can't handle, it's the uncertainty around "us"

I think that is a part of the PTSD spiral....

 

[TheMinsterman]

I think that is a part of the PTSD spiral....

Quite possibly yeah, I guess the way to clarify that is "based on the long distance", if she was here in person or me there I think I'd cope better even with uncertainty around, there'd be a bit more to go on than purely text messages, which I think ultimately is my issue. I can take a door in my face and being locked in a room to be isolated, least I can still see what's going on. Ignoring my only means of contact means ANYTHING could be, and that's probably what sets my fears off.

 

[dulcia]

if she was here in person or me there I think I'd cope better even with uncertainty around

I used to think that too. But turned out that it just led to conversations escalating and him becoming triggered. But I think that is because, in my mind, I thought it would be harder for him to be that mean to my face (as opposed to through texts). I was wrong. It's just as easy for mine to be mean (and even meaner) to my face. But I also become irrational when ignored.

I don't mean to project my relationship (and its issues) on you. This is just the only experience I have to speak from.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I used to think that too. But turned out that it just led to conversations escalating and him becomi...

The reason in person is a bit easier for me is mainly due to having to care for my mum during her lengthy breakdown, it wasn't easy by any stretch, but I found there was a lot less unanswered questions etc, you could see what was going on, it may feel worse certainly and actions were often not rational at all, but you could just "do more" I guess is best way I can describe it.

I have no doubt she would ignore me, be mean etc to my face too, just a big part of the OCD cycle is the complete lack of any real "clues", everything is text based so I have no body language etc to go along with it.

 

[Newtoptsd]

@TheMinsterman

It's been two to three months for me since my vet spiralled and one month since he broke it off (again) without ever really breaking it off. Like your sufferer he says he doesn't want to break contact .... in my eyes the day we are over is the day he says he never wants me to speak to him again. I have struggled with his withdrawal, not necessarily in terms of him being an arse or anything just sometimes feeling a bit low and in need of a hug. However I have persisted in giving him this space and we have seen each other here and there since he's been low and since he's withdrawn, he seems to be doing a lot better and I honestly feel great in myself that by me giving him this breathing space it's helped him to get back onto the road of recovery. He's even rang me a fair bit this week which is a miracle ... and I'm hopefully seeing him tomorrow (this is never a definite until I see his face in front of me so I try not to get my hopes up).

Basically what I'm trying to say is, for yourself and your SO just sit back, take a few deep breaths, and chill. Again easier said than done but once you get into the swing of just taking a back seat and giving it time both you and her will feel better.

This forum is a god send at times and at some times becomes a bit of a hindrance/emotionally draining when everyone starts throwing their two cents in, remember to take a break here and there to gather your own thoughts rather than get caught in everyone else's :)

I hope you're ok though and I'm sending buckets of hugs your way!

 

[TheMinsterman]

@Newtoptsd

Thank you for the message it is greatly appreciated. Tonight... has been tough, I won't lie. I finally cried and in all honesty it's just dawned on me how empty my life is without her, because she was such a big part of it, I never quite realised how much time I spent just talking to her. That isn't intended as a woe is me particularly but more of a... wow, I need to learn to live again because it's entirely possible it's over. Self care obviously has to include having a life of your own, I have friends etc obviously, but it's that realisation of just how much time you invest into your SO, when they just vanish you have a lot of free time on your hands.

We spoke earlier (ironically more than usual), she's going away for the weekend and to be honest, I'm just going to leave her alone, no texting. She never got back to me about a break in communication but I am going to make the decision for her I think, not that I imagine she'll want to get in touch anyway. I'm going to give her space and mostly I am going to give myself some, I can't deal with the half conversations, they just make me feel awful anyway and never answer or solve anything. I owe it to myself to focus on me because end of the day if it's over I'll be stuck with me regardless so may as well enjoy my own company!

I'll be ok, the forum is a big help just I guess to see I'm not alone and weak for feeling all I've felt lately, that it's ok to be overwhelmed in a sense and I aren't a failure if I can't "repair" this.

 

[ldj]

Hello @TheMinsterman
I've just discovered this thread and read it in one go!

So much of what you've written I can relate to. The fact you say she's not directly abusive, but is simply negative and critical: "it's like she's forgotten all the positive traits she used to love about me" - that's exactly the treatment I got from my sufferer. You talk about being a "flawed but loyal companion who is doing his best to learn the right way to support her". Again, I can relate to this. It was such a sudden change in our relationship, at first I didn't even know it was PTSD, I did my best to adjust, to read up on the condition, to not trigger him, not add to his stress, not take the coldness and distance personally, constant walking on egg shells.... And all the while, clinging on to the hope that one day he would turn round and thank me for sticking by him; convincing myself that he did appreciate me and love me deep down, just couldn't begin to express it right now, but that one day I'd get some acknowledgement, a "thanks, I'm lucky to have you". But no.

Sadly, mine isn't a sorry with a happy ending. Well, not yet anyway. My sufferer left me a week before Christmas. Came home one evening, made the announcement, started packing, and was gone the next day. Just like that. Said he couldn't handle the relationship and the guilt of bringing me down with him, needed out, no contact. Goodbye.

I should be grateful, I suppose, that it's been so black and white. Many of the posts I've read on here, like your own situation, talk about the torment and agony of mixed messages, conflicting emotions, push/pull, uncertainty, never knowing where you stand. That must be so hard. But I can't help but feel a bit envious. I feel cheated that I've been so completely shut out and denied the chance of supporting my sufferer. I'd invested so much, I was learning how to cope, I was fully committed to the long slog towards recovery, I was willing to go the distance, but he wouldn't let me. Unfair :(

I loved the way you describe it as "a journey you go on together, where either of you could stumble, one picks the other up and you walk on together, not tearing off alone leaving the other behind". If only :rolleyes:

You mentioned she sent you articles for partners of people with PTSD.... sounds like the exact opposite of my situation. I was the one doing all the research, being proactive, making suggestions..... he wasn't interested, didn't want my support. Sigh.

Must be so difficult to deal with the added dimension of your OCD. What support do you get for that? Do you have any therapy or can you self-manage the condition? PTSD is hard enough to deal with when the other partner is 'healthy', but it certainly sounds like you have your own demons to cope with which can't be helping either of you. The fact that you say you "still love her and want things to work, but not at the cost of my own sanity" is a good sign. YES, you need to look after YOU! And the fact you recognise that it's your own insecurities of being ditched by previous girlfriends that could be causing the issues (so it's not so much a problem of her actions, but rather your own reactions) - that's also an important step.

Sounds to me like you need time away from this relationship to get yourself healthy and happy. The fact you say you "dread several more months" of not knowing where you stand.... well then, don't put yourself through that anguish! There's no shame in saying you can't cope with it. And no, we're NOT failures for not being able to repair our sufferers.

Take time out now for you - that's the one person you CAN control. You say you "need to learn to live again, because it's entirely possible it's over." No, you need to learn to live again, REGARDLESS of whether it's over or not. No person in a relationship should be dependent on the other person to make their life complete and worthwhile. Even more the case when PTSD is involved! Sounds like you had invested so much into your girlfriend that you lost track of you. I was guilty of that too.

Get out there and enjoy life. Since my vet left, I've cried, over-analysed, wallowed in self-critical misery, reflected on endless "if onlys", written pages and pages about my heartache...... And then I gave myself a kick up the behind, and I've started some new hobbies, joined some social groups on Meetup, am learning a new language, am getting involved in charity work.... In a nut shell, I'm keeping busy and embracing a new chapter in my life.

At the back of my mind, I hope the relationship works out again one day. But the difference in my mindset now is, I don't NEED him in my life, I just want him in it. But if that doesn't happen, I know I can and will live life to the full without him.

Oh and @Newtoptsd - sound advice! Taking time out from this forum for a week or so did me good. Needed that break from all-encompassing PTSD to get ME back on track :D

Anyway sorry, I've waffled on enough here. Best of luck to you Minsterman and sending you courage and strength :hug:

 

[Nicolette]

Taking time out from this forum for a week or so did me good.

It is understandable that during a 'crisis' or a situation which doesn't make sense that one flounders and seeks assistance in clarity.

I've been here coming up to 10 years and I've had to stop reading for the better part as, now for me, it just highlights PTSD and sometimes you need a break from it. I also found supporting others rewarding but it can then be overwhelming.... balance is the key.