Relationship Girlfriend Is Distant, Yet Retains Contact

[TheMinsterman]

@ldj Many thanks for the response, I am incredibly grateful for everybody who has taken the time to reply, if anything it's restored my hope a little, not in her, but that I'm not just this awful, overly worried (I never thought I'd be shit on for caring) entirely negative being. I've been sat here for weeks just feeling like... how can you go from saying I'm all you want, I'm the best person you've ever met etc to just flat out hating me so much, I'm ashamed to say sometimes that you start to believe it. Reality is, I've become very anxious and worried about her and her pain, that's all that has changed in me, I'm still the loving, caring, funny person she fell so deeply in love with. Perhaps that is the journey of "not taking it personally".

In terms of my OCD, I don't medicate or have therapy for it, generally I self-manage and mostly I tend to do alright, functional at a minimum usually. It has perhaps mixed badly with her PTSD, my stress and worry makes her feel less safe etc, but I've levelled out that now and I'm in control more of it. Honestly now the issue is mostly just not having a clue where anything will go.

Today is the first day in probably three years we haven't spoken at all (I decided yesterday after a reasonable chat to give her some space), that includes when I was on another continent for a week, she was in Poland etc. I was doing fine, until she posted something on FB and tagged her mate in it who she seems to be entirely able to invest emotionally in (I admit it hurts me, because I wonder... so why not me?), then I got upset and angry... but I realised, it's not even so much anger at her, it's anger at me.

I'm angry that such tiny things bother me, I'm upset that I can be having a perfectly OK day for first time in a month and just one tiny thing that brings her back up. I know I can't disengage from a near decade relationship (not always partners of course) in a day, but I think a lot of my anger has been at myself for letting this effect me so deeply to the fact that every day is just a horrible mess and a struggle to keep myself together.

You're right, for somebody who has it black and white, you crave the uncertainty and the hope it may bring, but us in that want what you have, to just know where we stand so we can either support, invest into learning about this or if needs be, move on and begin to grieve fully the loss we've suffered. Best way I can describe this is like this person is dying, but they just won't die, so you're constantly processing life without them, without any of the finality.

You're right of course, I can't define myself and feel complete based on her, sadly I invest, deeply, heavily in people when I finally feel I can trust them, maybe I have trouble expressing it but I connect, deeply. It's not that I feel incomplete without her, it's that I invest so much of myself into this relationship that it feels like I've failed. And I haven't, I've never judged her when she's shared her past, I've never turned against her, I've never told her what to do or how to live, I've invested time and energy into learning about her condition etc.

Like you and like many, I want to believe the "her" I know is still in there, that her feelings for me right now are just repressed, but I now admit to thinking... was that really the real her? Did she just invest in me and attach because I was the one man in her life to treat her with respect? It makes you literally doubt everything she ever said, nearly ten years of total commitment to how much she was in love with me feels now like a lie, to drag me in to be hurt and discarded.

You're right though, I want to invest in myself and my life, I didn't hit the pause button on our relationship, she did. I have every right to build myself up, not "just in case", but because I matter. I shouldn't feel guilty because I didn't send a pointless text to see how she is, which would only end up in a frustrating half conversation. I also need to be kinder to myself.... I won't let myself feel like I have a right to be sad, I keep saying I should be fine... but why would I be?

As things stand a very long term deep connection is basically dead, if it gets revived then whatever, but ultimately I have been abandoned, regardless of the reason. I have every right to be upset and hurt, I think perhaps this is the problem. Her constantly insisting my being worried, upset and stressing is "making her worse" makes me feel like I'm not allowed to be, that somehow I am doing something "wrong". I'm not doing anything wrong to be destroyed by seeing the person I love descend into a shell and change before my eyes, I'd be a cold, heartless, uncaring person if I just shrugged my shoulders.

Maybe that's one of my other short term goals? Stop feeling guilty for feeling down, realise that I have every right.

@Nicolette is spot on too, I'm here now so much because I'm in a crisis mode, but you're right when I am strong enough to take a break, I should. The forums will still be there, when I am more stable I can still help others going through this horror (even if that ends up being short term because my relationship ends), if we stay together I can use it to learn more.

 

[ldj]

I feel your pain so much - "how can you go from saying I'm all you want, I'm the best person you ever met, to flat out hating me" - I asked myself that question over and over. In the beginning, things were amazing, he was completely besotted, more so than I was if anything, we talked about the future, we were creating a home together, it was lovely....and then it went from "100 to 1" (I think Newtoptsd used that term in another thread somewhere, and it stuck in my mind!), almost overnight. Such a contrast to what we had enjoyed before. So hard to adjust to.

Yes, I get what you're saying about investing and connecting deeply, I'm the same. And if it's any consolation, about the facebook thing - I got upset when mine 'unfriended' me - trivial and tiny, in the grand scheme of things, but that hit me hard, made the split seem really final! So no, don't beat yourself up about the little things that upset you. It's ok to be feeling upset and angry in all this, we're only human too.

Oh and re. tagging your friend - I think it's probably quite common for sufferers who have pulled away from their partners to still be able to maintain some level of friendships. A good friendship is far less intense, it's not such a strain on them is it, the dynamics of the relationship are different. She doesn't need to feel as connected to her friend as she does to you, right? Don't take it personally. I know I found it hard that my sufferer was still really close to his family and ex-military mates, I was the only one he shut out. I was jealous at first, but when I'd finished wallowing in my own sadness, I was able to feel grateful that he's got those great people around him and they can be their to support him where I wasn't allowed to. This is about him getting better, after all.

"I'm not doing anything wrong to be destroyed by seeing the person I love descend into a shell and change before my eyes, I'd be a cold, heartless, uncaring person if I just shrugged my shoulders."
Absolutely, well put. Continue your crisis mode, take the time you need to vent on here - very therapeutic - and you'll know when you feel ready to move forward. I was exactly where you are now over Christmas - distraught (and as if the loss of him wasn't enough, I also lost my beloved pooch, all in the same week.) But 2 weeks on, I'm feeling more like me again. Only better, even. I've learnt a lot about myself as well as PTSD and I feel stronger from all of this (bit corny, I know - won't start talking about the 'journey' I've been on, X-factor style!!) But I really do feel like a new chapter has opened, I'm more determined to grab life by the horns and be thankful for small positives.

Hang on in there! x

 

[TheMinsterman]

Thanks @ldj, I 100% genuinely appreciate your responses. Finding this place and seeing I am not alone genuinely has been a massive help, I spent months isolated and afraid and it was like nobody understood at all, quite rightly most people flip their concern to the person more readily obviously suffering, supporters so often get ignored or forgotten. You can be made to feel so very selfish for being in pain, because "they have it worse", but that's such a backwards way of convincing yourself you need to suck it up etc.

The thing is, deep down, I know I will be ok. If we break up, it will hurt and I may not want to entertain dating for a long time, but I'll get back to being able to function fine, if we sort things out we'll both have a new perspective of how to make things work, either way eventually things will not feel like this. It's definitely a journey, clichéd as it is! Obviously it can be hard to keep living on a "it'll be ok eventually", but I always make sure I don't start believing life is over or I'm doomed without her or anything.

I know I shouldn't let it bother me, but seeing her invest so much into somebody else really hurts (bare in mind this person has feelings for her and has been pushing her to sort things out with me, yeah, just make it more confusing), you do that horrible gymnastics of "so why can't I get even a tiny percentage of that? I want to be happy that she is at least doing some things that make her happy, and I fully admit it's jealousy that I'm not even slightly positive any more.

It's day two of no contact now, I am genuinely not sure when I should check in, I don't want to leave it forever because I do fear it makes her think I am just in a mood, even if it's just a hey, how's things going, just giving you some space how about we talk again on x? Lots of back and forth's in my own head, I feel awful today, but I think it's cos I have come down with something so misery enjoys company and it rears up.

100 to 1 is so accurate, she was absolutely dedicated and besotted with me, for years, ending relationships because they were not me, always wanting me unwaveringly, nearly 10 years of that to "I don't know how I feel" is like a Boeing 747 crashing into you as you spin into oblivion wondering what on earth is going on and if this is just some horrible nightmare. I am so lost in this dichotomy between was that all a lie (how could it be? And she was the same WITH the PTSD too) and is this forever now? Will she never refind that?

I know PTSD can have massive profound changes, but I have to admit I am a sucker and I am hoping all the things I know, and love, are still in there, repressed perhaps by an overload of this part of her, but not completely dead forever, but I admit, I am losing hope.

I know I can't fix her, I don't want to either (because I know I can't), I just want to be allowed to support her and work together to get through this. I'd want the same if I slipped into another OCD spiral from my partner, I'd not want them to abandon me and give up, even though it'd be down to me to fix me.

She doesn't know what she wants, but I know it's because she's devoting so much of herself to just barely keep herself together, I understand, but it's so hard to turn off that part of you that just wants to know... do you still love me? I can wait, I can be just a support and boyfriend in name whilst she focuses on her, I don't demand anything, I'm just so frightened 10 years of my life is about to close it's door and whilst I know I'll recover, it still hurts me.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I just wanted to also add, I understand on the pooch too, we lost a cat we had for 13 years, then the one we adopt after disappeared, so I lost two cats and now seemingly her, all inside about six months, I do struggle to trust and form emotional connections so I can definitely sympathise there!

 

[ldj]

I love the way you write - your words could so easily be my own. It really is a great support to be able to release all your emotions here and feel like you're understood. The joys of the internet!

The no contact thing is really tough isn't it. I've struggled. I wanted to reach out to him on New year's day in a weak moment, just a harmless hope you're ok text, nothing heavy. I was agonising for ages on the wording, whether to send it or not. Even sought advice on here in this thread:
Reaching Out Even When You've Been Asked Not To?
In the end decided not to send anything. Think that was the right decision in my case.

But if your girlfriend hasn't specifically asked for no contact, then you might feel differently. And obviously, if she gets in touch with you, you might want to reply. But I would keep it very light and superficial. I wouldn't say anything along the lines of when can we meet for a chat or anything emotional like saying you miss her etc etc. Get all that out on here instead. Just be there as a friend, if you can cope with doing that. Respond to show you're there, but don't initiate contact too much, if at all. Give her space to just be. The more you reach out, however harmless and well-intended it seems to you, the more you may inadvertently make her recoil into her cave. Give her a chance to miss you and appreciate you. If she thinks you've abandoned her and are in a grump, well then so be it.

Just think how much better you'll feel for NOT sending that message. Tell yourself that by not sending it, you're helping her get better, even though that sounds like the opposite of caring, I know. In moments of weakness, text a mate instead, go out for a run, distract yourself in some way til the urge passes. Each day that goes by, it gets slightly easier, honest.

Mind you, I'd only been with my partner 10 months. You're talking about 10 years of shared history. That's a long time, of course you're hurting.

I agree with you, I wouldn't want to feel abandoned either. I spent ages trying to imagine myself in his shoes, how I would act. I would probably be the same, I wouldn't want to feel guilty for making his life a misery, for not being able to meet his needs and be the person I would want to be. So I do get it. But I guess, I would secretly hope that one day he might still be there for me when I felt able to love him again. And I'm sure I wouldn't be as nasty as he's been. But maybe that's his way of trying to make the split easier for me - to make it definite, to make me hate him so I move on quicker. God knows.

Anyway, like you, I can't even begin to think about dating. In my head, it's over, but in my heart it isn't and probably never will be until he tells me "I feel better, I'm not symptomatic at the moment, I've met someone else and want to be with her instead". But I'm not putting my life on hold in the meantime, still gonna get out there an live, just don't want to be with anyone else.

Sending a big :hug:

 

[TheMinsterman]

The texting things is very tricky, you're 100% right, especially as it was not really agreed upon. She just mentioned maybe some space could help, then couldn't decide. I felt that I had to make that choice for her, we spoke a bit more on the Friday, but then she vanished again and I just felt, I can't keep up this halfhearted minimal investment conversations with the odd one where she actually speaks.

If she got in touch, I would reply, but my faith in her is at an all time low, I feel like I'm not wanted and not needed now, even when she gets back to university I don't have much faith that she will get in touch, she has her friend now, I feel replaced and like I'm just her punching bag to vent her annoyance about her condition to. I know people say that should make you feel honoured that you're seen as safe, but it makes me feel a little used to be honest, I get all the anger, then she goes off to have fun with other people, I get nothing, I just get told about all my flaws, when before all she did was compliment me and say how wonderful I am.

I wish not texting did make me feel better, I know I should see it as helping her get better but everything is still so uncertain, if she just said she didn't want me any more, I'd go, I'd block her, unfriend her etc and remove ALL temptation, but we're just at this awful impasse. You're right, the ten year history just makes it harder.

I cycle between wanting to just say it's over, just to myself, and living my life like we're through, because I kid myself into thinking then I'd start to grieve and move on and I have to be honest, hating her a little. I know this condition is so suffocating, but sadly that human part of me just make me feel so betrayed, so abandoned and so discarded that I feel so angry at her, shes off gallivanting with other people whilst I am so alone. Then comes the guilt, because she has PTSD and thus the cycle of self-imposed misery continues.

I keep saying, I wish she was just a horrible cheating so and so, then I could just hate her, grieve and move forward. It'd just be simple, hurtful, but simple.

Dating is such a tricky one, that selfish part of you is like "oh well sod you then, you want to take me for granted? I'll take this package elsewhere where somebody appreciates it!" but then obviously, we've not definitively separated and I don't cheat on people, but I admit to just feel so low and lonely, I don't define myself by being useful for others but, I'd invested so much into being in a relationship I think the loss has been more keenly felt than it ever normally would. I was single for a good 7+ years, I was mostly fine with it.

It's been incredibly tough, I am currently doing a PhD, which I've sadly gotten a little behind on but I know what I am doing there and am getting back on track. I know emotions will settle down, but the uncertainty will just never go away. I feel like she could easily just stop talking to me now or perhaps even text in a day or two asking why I've gone quiet, especially when she's back in her halls at uni and not constantly distracted.

Who knows? And that, I guess, is the key to the problems when you're not in a total shut out, openly "dump" you sort of situation. You just never know and only time can give you answers, but time sure does seems to drag when you're waiting for something.

 

[ldj]

Goddddd PTSD is such an arse isn't it?!?!?!?! Here we are, 2 supporters (of many out there), decent, caring, loving people just wanting to and help and support and feel useful and appreciated..... and all our efforts are in vain.

I feel like you need to be really selfish and focus on you now. I'm not going to say the whole "you deserve better" speech, but well, I guess we don't deserve this anguish, do we. But then, nor do our partners deserve their suffering. Immerse yourself in your PhD and try to switch off any thoughts about her. (easier said than done, I realise, but one day at a time) Don't completely lose yourself in study and shut yourself away though! Keep contact with good friends, keep a hobby going, keep healthy and happy as best you can.

I found that (despite only being with my guy 10 months), I kept over-thinking the time element. Not so much "oh well, that was a waste of another year of my life!" - more the fact that the shared memories and experiences we'd had suddenly seemed all meaningless and unreal, almost a figment of my imagination. And I was also hung up on mourning the loss of future shared experiences I'd already envisioned in my mind. I'm a real dweller! Not sure if you're the same?? Anyway, this might not work for you, or it might not even be relevant, but just humour me a minute: I really had to force myself into a different mindset to be able to cope with what has happened.

Instead of viewing life as one big picture and counting this as yet another failed attempt towards the goal of being 'settled' (marriage, kids, etc - the happy family life a lot of people might name on a tick list of what would make for a happy, successful life) I think part of my sadness at this relationship ending, wasn't just sadness for my sufferer, but sadness for me that I've lost probably my last chance to be a wife and mother. I REALLY thought I'd finally found my soulmate, my forever. But never mind. I've accepted that my life is going down a different route - and that's fine. I'm viewing each year as a stand-alone short story from now on (you could view your 10 years as a novel!) I've just finished reading this one, it had a sad ending, but I can wipe away my tears and lose myself reading the next one. It might sound stupid, but just flicking that switch in my brain and forcing myself to think differently has really helped me cope. Happiness is a choice. Not a reward that we'll feel once we've got that new house or dream job or happy relationship. It's a mindset we can choose to switch on each day. That's what I'm telling myself anyway.

Don't feel bad for feeling sad. But equally, don't wallow in misery too long. There's plenty to be happy and grateful for in this life! If you need a positive boost ever, this thread is a good one: What Are You Grateful For Today?

Take care x

 

[TheMinsterman]

I guess my fear now is... what if things do get better? What if we make up? I'm not sure how I am going to feel now, not after this. The one unshakeable loyal person in my life, who NEVER wavered in their faith in me... has failed. I know that can sound like a lot of pressure but, no matter what, no matter the bad times before, she NEVER wavered, the moment she said to me months ago "do you think we can work", it changed my whole world. This whole episode leaves me very... unsure, can I ever forgive her? Can I ever regain my faith in her? Can I ever trust her?

One thing she always brings up is I hold back a lot and don't open up... but I don't feel safe doing so now. This was also partly why I wanted to have a few days, because I'm not sure how I feel, I'm so conflicted. I love her, deeply, utterly and unendingly, but I can't just carry on being so insignificant in her life and punished for any indiscretion. I understand her need for time alone, my thing has always been, just do your best to communicate it, this is a personal peeve with anybody, when I am sat having a convo and people just vanish, with no word, It's like... I've dedicated time to talk and you can't even just say "I'm going for a few" so I can occupy myself?

I do love her, I want things to work, I know things can't go back to perfect immediately, I understand her limitations etc but I'm struggling to decide what I want in full now. It's so hard, as you say, we do matter, and it's not like I ask for much, I'm pretty introverted so I can be "alone" so to speak, but only if we communicate better what each of us needs and keeps the other updated. If she says she needs a few days, I can easily occupy myself for example, if its a few hours whatever, I guess what I am struggling with is... I can't keep being in a relationship where I am second guessing everything and left with zero information beyond what she blurts out when she feels comfortable.

I admit, I'm blurting out myself here and processing things, I have doubts, I have fears and it's nice to have somewhere people can get where I am coming from. I feel so guilty for thinking "do I want this?", even though the rational me knows... look, it's ok to consider it, if you've going to really invest and support her you've gotta go all in, not half. It also doesn't necessarily means anything more than just right now, I'm overwhelmed.

Just like her.

You're right, I'm trying not to wallow, I'm trying to do anything I can to just do something for myself, I've been watching some DVDs which I did enjoy, for sure. That really resonated with me what you said about "vision of the future", she was essentially involved in so many aspects this could be why it's so hard, it's little things like I don't want kids and neither does she (finding women who don't is hard and often rules me out), I want to look after animals and she wants a sanctuary, just stupid things like we could do yoga together (I've started doing DDP Yoga), when all of a sudden that person who was so intrinsic to so many images is no longer viable it's all very... wow.

Obviously, I can and will live my life without her if I really have to, but like you, I view her as my soul mate. I do need to decouple myself from her and just plan for the situation I am in now, most likely without her any more.

I am definitely a dweller, it's a big part of OCD, you dwell, you obsess, you cover EVERY angle, hundreds of times, you have bad compulsions (I need to text to find out x). You just get lost in it all, I've been grieving losing that security we provided each other for so long.

I always take "deserve better" to be, well, we BOTH do, we both deserve to be happy, so that also includes me. As much as I want her to recover, well gosh darn it I deserve to not be getting so lost in endless loneliness and misery, with or without her, I deserve to have a life of my own I can focus on independent of her as and when required, together or not. And I always did, it's only because of the chaos between us I've been dragged away from it.

I definitely need to recapture that, but also... I guess reconcile how I feel and what I want, how did you do this? Same to anybody else, especially those still involved and not broken up yet. I am finding it very hard to just put a finger on it.

 

[ldj]

Ahh I like your vision for the future! I want a self-sufficient farm, full of fruit and veg and animals that don't get eaten, a view of the sea, a creative studio where I'll do art, yoga, dance and write my best-selling novels! A workshop where the disadvantaged or disillusioned can come and learn a craft, a retreat for those in need. And an adjoining cafe where I'll sell my cakes, open my doors to the lonely and needy at Christmas, that kind of thing! Nice to have dreams :happy:

 

[ldj]

Oh and to answer your question: "I definitely need to recapture that, but also... I guess reconcile how I feel and what I want, how did you do this?"
I don't know. I'm not really sure that I've managed to yet. It's early days. I'm just tricking myself, shutting it out. It's working, one day at a time.
Wish I had the magic answer to all of this.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Lots of great dreams there! Writing a novel, living in the country, peace and serenity, helping animals are all high on my list. It's good to keep sight on what can be achieved alone perhaps than what's "needs" somebody else, focus on a smaller vision of what I wanted because realistically what I had was too big for just one person. It's good you've still got such a solid vision for your future, I want to shake the cobwebs off of mine and try to regain them if I can.

That's a very honest answer, I guess there will never be a magic answer. It's so hard when you just don't know what you feel any more, time is the only answer to figuring it out I guess because it is based on what she does I guess, I feel right now though as if all hope is lost, natural I suppose but it feels like I'm no longer needed and inevitably we just won't speak again or it'll be "the chat" where once again I am discarded.

Relationships huh? They're so damn tricky, I know there's always bumps in the road but I wish I could find one where they're not gaping sink holes instead of pot holes! I just can't cling to any positive vision for the future, I am giving her space but the only result my brain wants to entertain is she'll find better, disappear or just decide I'm not worth it any way.

I've never been a big optimist but I preferred thinking I might step in a puddle to this!

 

[ldj]

No I wouldn't call it a solid vision. An artist's impression maybe!