Relationship Girlfriend Is Distant, Yet Retains Contact

[TheMinsterman]

I'd take a rough sketch right now!

You're definitely right about trying to find happiness and positivity and embracing that you're the ultimate master of that feeling, it's so difficult though when you're feelings just won't switch on. I do things I enjoy but get no joy from them currently, I know that's a common symptom of depression and stress etc but obviously it makes it very hard to keep motivating myself to do them.

Getting out to find hobbies and socialising is quite hard I am not sure of where to begin.

 

[ldj]

Do you think you need counselling or therapy for yourself? Is that something you'd do? There's no shame in admitting you need the extra support, if you think that would help. By the way, never asked what the situation is with your girlfriend? Is she getting treatment/therapy?
Have you heard of the website meetup.com? I've just discovered it and joined a few groups. I know, I know, it sounds a bit sad and desperate and maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but don't dismiss it without having a look!! I do have friends, but they're mostly all married with kids or in other parts of the country, so I needed to put myself out of my comfort zone and find some new social buddies. I've joined a group called "Boot camp on the beach", group exercise on the beach run by an ex-army guy (the clue is in the name!), another called Draw and Drink (they meet up for coffee in various cafes and take their sketch pads!), another group that go for walks..... I've also got my dancing (ceroc and west coast swing) so that's a good way of boosting my mood. And I'm learning a new language...... Oh and I've signed up for a 50km trek across the Brecon Beacons in June. And I've started swimming in the sea (the ice cold shock is very life-affirming and mood-boosting, honest!!!
But don't feel inadequate for not feeling able or ready yet to pick yourself up and get out there. You're still grieving, give yourself time....

 

[ldj]

Oh and by the way, not sure how much reading you've done on PTSD and how clued up you are, but I found this book really helpful (by the time I was only half way through it, he'd already left me, but I carried on reading anyway because it's helped me come to terms with things, understand and accept, gain some sort of closure) You might find it helps you too?? Here's a link
Dead Link Removed

 

[TheMinsterman]

@ldj Many thanks for the link, I am better clued up than I was but I must confess I guess the uncertainty makes me wary to get really in depth, however, what you've said could actually help, if this is over I still need to come to terms with things and get some closure. I'll give that book a chance and see if there's anything there I can learn, even if it ends up only being for me in the end.

In terms of her, she's not in any therapy right now, this breakdown came due to fall outs at her halls of residence at university and spiralled. She has had treatment in the past and been diagnosed etc, but she never found the group stuff they did any help and she is now really just struggling to find a "cure" to "fix her". Honestly? I'm not sure what to do there for her right now, I was hoping she could lok at campuses up here for her Masters and to move in with me, where we could maybe do more in an environment where she has genuine support. I'm sadly a pariah right now and feel like she just will never get in touch (sounds so silly after two days, where she's away doing stuff anyway, but upset rarely does the whole logic thing.)

As for myself? It's possible as things don't get much better, I obviously never thought it'd hit me this hard, I'm obviously not as strong as I assume after years and years of gradual wear and tear. I definitely have no shame for my own issues, I guess it's more guilt that it may have ruined what we have, but I can appreciate that it is not entirely rational to feel that way.

I had heard of meetup, I don't think it's sad at all! It's great you've found so much to do, I'd like to think I am able to at least try, but it's all about finding something suitable, I'm quite shy by nature so anything with tons of people would probably not work, I am overweight too sadly so a bit self conscious about anything exercise related.

The last bit about not feeling inadequate really hit a chord... I always feel like I should be strong, and if I am not I am doing something wrong. Her making me feel my worry is bad has probably on strengthened that. Time is once more that horrible element, I want it to be better now, now, now but I need to accept, really, it won't be, and it can't be. I can't know if me and her are done, I can't just not care any more and move on etc, it's still early in the grief process.

Though I would like to get out more, meet new people etc too.

 

[ldj]

YOU haven't ruined the relationship, and you ARE strong! Keep telling yourself that, ok? Write it on the bathroom mirror, on post-it notes inside your PhD books, chant it every hour until you start believing it! You're not inadequate. This isn't your fault. It's not fair, but life will go on. My mantra for 2017: when life deals you a big pile of shite, just chuck a vanilla-scented poo bag at it!! Turn every negative into a positive.
I'm signing off for the night now, but will chat again soon. Look after yourself x
;):p:D:happy::laugh:

 

[TheMinsterman]

Well, it's the start if day three of no contact (I assume anyway, not sure why she'd suddenly change today even if she is back at halls). I've come down with a virus so I am very mindful that my low mood has a very natural explanation anyway over an emotional one. Still not sure how I feel or what I think, when I gave her space because there's no real agreement in place I guess it just feels like, will this be forever then? Who knows I guess, she may get in touch today, tomorrow, who knows. I suppose I'm just stuck on whether I am doing the right thing or whether I've essentially ended it.

You're right @ldj, I haven't ruined the relationship, if anything it was her change in behaviour and attitude that has (she's admitted she hasn't handled it well, so she clearly knows). I will keep trying my best to tell myself that, I know I messed up by stressing and worrying, but if that is my only crime it isn't so egregious to deserve to feel like an absolute failure.

Life will have to go on, that is a good mantra too. I will have to try and take this day by day, I can't be sure of what the future will bring, good or bad, really.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Well... unexpectedly she got in touch asking to talk today, so that'll happen later. I am nervous :(

 

[ldj]

Ok, advice? Er, stay calm, stay strong, deep breaths. Be understanding and supportive, but be assertive. Do what's best for you, because if you're not looking after yourself, you're not helping her either in the long run. Good luck, hope it gives you some sort of clarity over the situation.

 

[TheMinsterman]

@ldj thanks for the advice, in the end she avoided it and just kept saying not to worry. I'm honestly at my wits end here, I give her space (and now get impression she took offence to it), I try to talk, nothing seems to work. I've basically told her I was giving her some space not ignoring her and asked if everything is OK and we shall see if anything comes of this but I feel so deflated.

I've given her space, she then comes back asking if I am around to talk, I give her the time, she then just brushes it off and says not to worry. I'm not sure what to do, it feels like she wanted to talk about SOMETHING, but because I wasn't readily available has pulled back a little.

 

[TheMinsterman]

Well, we spoke today, granted it almost didn't happen.

The crux is, she feels betrayed by me from an incident last year. Without going into much details (I respect her privacy), something happened specifically related to her past trauma and I encouraged her to ask for help from people I assumed were her friends. These are the people she has deeply fallen out with, she now feels that information they have is something they will use against her and that I basically pushed her into talking to them, even though her instincts said not to.

She says she won't abandon me, but is understandably not invested right now. There is a hole in her life (I assume she means me not being "there") but she still feels betrayed and that my support instead of helping has made some things worse. I guess the positive is that her stance is that she doesn't want to leave, but right now has to work on what I have done.

I understand, and I've owned up to mistakes I made, but I was honest with her too. Her negativity has hurt me, it has made me feel like I have no positives at all, she seemed to understand that it wasn't that I didn't "deserve" the comments, it's the absence of positive things that just makes it feel like a flood of bad. I also pointed out that I felt it was unfair to just see me as my OCD, major understanding really was that she knows nothing I have done has been out of malice, that whilst she doesn't agree with my decisions she at least sees that they were not came upon from anything other than genuine concern and care, which is essentially all I wanted.

I knew I had never done anything to be hurtful and was always hurt that it felt like she was seeing what I'd done as being on purpose to hurt her. It helped to hear she understood that, even if it still hurt her. She said she knows I would only have suggest what I thought was best.

I made a point of telling her that she should never take my advice as something she MUST do, she is free to reject it if she disagrees or feels it will lead to badness for her and her PTSD.

It was a weight lifted, it was a hard conversation to have, knowing I've made her feel betrayed was difficult to hear but, necessary. It was reassuring that even if right now she can't "be there", she doesn't want to abandon me (her words... I guess because she knows I am scared of that) and that me not being around does seem to mean something.

I guess now I need to just take things as they come and keep a part of this community to learn how to be a better partner and supporter.

 

[TESSLEE]

My retired combat vet just left me 4 days ago. I am still wrapping my brain around it all. We dated 3 mos but in those 3 mos we connected on levels that are so unexplainable and we both talked about how we were meant to find each other. He opened up to me a few times and I could feel his rawness and he made it a point to let me know I have been the only one he has ever let in this far. He told me he doesn't "feel"! If the world ended tomorrow he wouldn't care but he cared for me. I know this through and through. We lived apart. He lived out in the country where he was very much at ease and happy. I live in the city but am a true country girl. He'd always have me out to his place on the weekends and I had a little girl. He took us both in. We fit like a glove to each other. All my past relationships never came close to what he gave me and showed me and I was so open and raw with him. He taught me how to find me again. How to find peace within myself and I in returned would listen to him talk for hours and never get bored. I gave him all of me and I didn't even realize it. I would go up to his place on the weekends and not once did I ever ever feel he didn't want me there! He would scoop me up and make me feel at home. We had plans of living together and me quitting my career and finding a laid back job up in his small world. He brought me back to my original dream in life in so many ways. But during the weeks when I was home and we talked over the phone he would make comments like I keep coming up on the weekends and he doesn't get things he needs to get done. I would constantly tell him all he has to say is not to come up or you need to go now but he NEVER did. I would tell him to tell me that and he would say I am just giving you crap. I would tell you to go if I wanted you to go. Over the few months we would have that conversation often over the phone but never in person. He always made me feel I was wanted when I was in person with him but over the phone during the week he was a bit different. Making comments about calling him and texting him all the time. He was accepting of the long conversations over the phone. I did not text or call him all the time. I knew better! There was no sign at all that he was wanting this over.... Then just a few days ago he showed up at my work and told me he had a ton of crap going on in his life he needed to get taken care of and some people he needs to get straightened out and didn't need me involved so our slate was clean we were done! Just like that. He was so cold and so empty. I have never seen that in him before. I asked where this is coming from and why? Basically all he could really give me is advanced feelings! He stated a week and a half ago he felt feeling coming on from both of us and that he cannot have that not yet. He does not "feel" as he has explained before but I was messing with his emotions now. I said I have never hurt you or did you wrong and he said no you got feelings to come out of me! He cannot have that and that we are done and when he is done he is done. I am so broke and crushed. I never messed with his PTSD. We talked about it and he always said I made him calm. I would always listen and I got involved with things that he would do to calm his mind as he claimed. We reloaded together and he loved how I was into it and found calmness in it myself. He would hold on to me all night. Never really let me move away from him. When I went to his place I could feel his happiness and warmth that I was there. Why? Why would he push me away because he feels for me? I do not believe someone can truly do that! I asked if there was someone else and he was ice cold and said NO! I do not believe there is but it's so hard to grasp this. He has been retired for 4 yrs now. He as isolated himself from everyone it seems. Keeps his life simple but is struggling with child supports matters from his ex of 4 yrs now. I asked if he ever felt this way about someone besides me and he said yes the one I served divorce papers too. Within in a month and a half of dating she had a ring on her finger but not by his doing. He tried to make it work for nine and a half years. She cheated on him alot is what he tells me.
I am sorry this is so long but I am praying someone can explain some insight to me? I suffer from a history I have not dealt with and he has told me this. I have never loved someone like I do him! I am almost 40. He is 37. We are meant for each other! My gut knows this. I always have seen the ending before the beginning with others but with him I could not! He knows this! He always got me to open up. He said he is the one... WHY did he walk away? He did say to me when breaking up he was done and that we would never talk again. Then later retracted and said down the road I could call and he would answer. Well I text him that evening as we passed each other, I finally told him I love him! That was the first time ever and yes by text. He later replied in small chat. I then called and he did pick up right away... We talked an hour. Is this really over? Can someone with PTSD understand this? Explain to me? Anyone?

 

[RecedingMoonlight]

My retired combat vet just left me 4 days ago. I am still wrapping my brain around it all. We dated 3 mos but in those...

Sorry you're going through all of this, It sounds like a tough time. Would you like to make your own forum topic about it? Maybe you might get more help there, there is an anonymous section if you wish to remain a guest. :)