Relationship Girlfriend Of Combat Veteran With Ptsd

[LostMarineGF]

I got a job working nights and he cheated on me, and ever since, he is everything I'm reading here. He has been diagnosed with PTSD and his symptoms line up with the research Ive done but I can't believe that the PTSD just kicked in magically at that time after he had been out of the army for 3 years. I can't believe that my forgiveness and attempts to understand have only led to more betrayals (while not on the same scale) and more emotional withdrawal. When I try to honestly confront the situation he either shuts down completely or everything gets turned around on me and I'm the one apologizing and feeling beaten down.

In response to this, my boyfriend has not physically cheated on me but a couple times he has sent inappropriate, vulgar text messages (sexting if you will). His therapist says it's his was a self sabotage. I worry that even though he says he would never physically cheat on me, that if I take him back after each screw up, the level will increase and eventually he will. But these types of texts have happened three times and it leads me to question the exact thing you bring up in the next paragraph! How much is PTSD and how much is just him being a shitty boyfriend and a cheater as we all know some guys just are??!!

I guess Im just wondering how much of this can actually be put on PTSD and how much of it may just be that he doesnt actually love me anymore. They kind of seem to look the same and sometimes people just fall out of love. I find myself thinking that the PTSD and his avoidance of all conflict is actually the only thing keeping him here.

This is all just so not what i want for any of us. I want us all to find the paths in life that lead to happy places, even if that means were not getting there together.

 

[LostMarineGF]

Well my boyfriend tried to break up with me this morning. He said, "You're not happy, I'm not happy, I keep hurting you. If I take all the emotions out of it and look at the situation logically, it makes the most sense." I told him that we are not at that point yet and that it is the easy way out. I am here to support you as you try to work through these issues and I love you." This is the hardest thing I have ever gone through.

 

[TanyaB]

I really wish I would have read this forum a month ago. I was dating my boyfriend nine months before he left for a nine month deployment. It is hard enough to be apart from someone for as long as you have known them. He returns from Afghanistan in 3 months but I know that he will not be the same person that I said goodbye to.

Things were good in the beginning and we talked everyday but he started to pull away and came up with excuses for why he couldn't talk. I would send him emails with pictures to keep him involved in my life but he stopped responding. He is not talking to his family either. We have just recently had a big fight about this and this is when I knew that there was a serious issue because he started saying he felt so angry and empty. He wanted a few days to think about things and us. That is where we are at now. After reading some of these posts, I wish that I would not have pushed so hard.

PTSD is not new to me. I am also in the Army and work with Soldiers who have PTSD and other deployment related issues. But feeling worthless and pushed away by someone you love is a first for me. I have been at a loss and started to take something to help me sleep and help with the anxiety. I realize now that I need to take care of myself while giving him the space that he needs. I know that medicine alone is not going to fix everything so that is why I decided to look around online and that is how I came upon this forum. To see what else is out there as far as support and help.

I am not ready to let him go yet. I really think that he is my soulmate. I was sent this verse and I will just have to keep repeating it: For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future - Jeremiah 29:11.

 

[Cmac]

Hi I am also new to this forum. I have been in a relationship with an Iraq Veteran. We have been dating for 3.5 years. We started dating after he finished his enlistment. He hardly every talks about his involvement in the war. I understand why and I really don't think i would understand what he went through. I have graduated in social work and will be going for my Masters so i understand therapy and techniques to help him talk. But its completely different when we are in a relationship as most of you know. I have finally convinced him to go to therapy which i am so thankful for. But i am having trouble to continue in this relationship. as most of you know its very difficult. He has major mood sings, nightmares and he wants to be alone but he always feels so lonely and depressed. I love to spend time with him and I think I come off as too needy.

Also a little back story to our relationship. We are from the same town. And when we started dating we were both in college. (he is still in college) We lived in the same town but then I moved and we were in a long distance relationship for a year. Then we moved in together (that was really rough) and then recently he said that he felt he needed to do things on his own and live on his own but wants to continue our relationship. As you probably know my feelings were extremely hurt and although i can be logical, I'm still very upset. So its been about 4 months without living together we live in same town and hardly see each other. He just seems to become very distant. He did admit that not living together did not solve the problems he was thinking that it would. But at least right now I'm not sure i can continue but i also don't know how to live my life without him and I am worried how he will be on his own because I'm the only person he talks to in depth about things. We have discussed a break but im scared if we do that it will just be over. I know there probably isn't any advice people can give but anything would really help at this point. None of my friends or family understand my situation.

Also I'm a little confused by the website. but I what I have read I have really enjoyed I feel comfort in the fact that others are going through similar situations, I felt so alone in my situation.

 

[SandiS73]

From reading through this forum, it seems to be a constant theme of PTSD sufferers pulling away and being distant. I guess we need to accept this as 'normal' for a while. I approached my guy after he told me he needed alot of space and asked him if he just wanted me to go away and leave him alone, because this was like the 3rd time he did this and I did not understand. I assumed he had someone else and didnt know what to do, so I figured Id help him make that decision by walking away early. That was not the case. He said he wanted to see me still but just needed space. I once asked him what helps most with his PTSD and he said solitude. We really dont know their thoughts or what they have gone through. I never asked about his PTSD except when he told me that part of his PTSD was that he lost a baby after birth, which obviously devistated him. My situation is a little different, but not entirely. I have a hard time making plans with him because I never know when he will pull away and for how long. I have learned to give the space when he needs it, assuming I know when he needs it. Honestly, I never know when his needing of space will hit.. I feel he does this whenever he feels he is getting too close to me. Hes admiited previously that he doesn't think hes ready for a relationship, but still wants to see me. I dont talk to family or friends about it unless they ask what is going on and even then, they dont understand why I stay. Here is my story and maybe what he has told me, will help your situation:

I dont know where to start. I am dealing with a man with PTSD and he has pulled away a few times. Inbetween he keeps asking to have a baby with him. I said how can I have a baby with someone who will push me away? He said that he doesnt mean to do it and as much as I really dont understand his answer, i have accepted it. Fast forward a few months and he tells me that he needs A LOT of space that he is having a hard time. I offered to just walk away so he can deal with his problems and he said that is not what he wanted, that he still wanted to see me. I left him alone for about 3 weeks and asked how he was doing, expecting no response from him as routine. He appoligized to me and said he wanted to be with me and have a baby, and said he should of said awhile.. i love you. We hung out a couple times since and he would ask, "I take it your not pregnant?" Id say no Im not and he would say then lets try again. I should also add that he had lost a baby a few years prior. He has told me his fears about losing someone close to him and that he cant handle losing another baby.

The 29th of Dec we hung out and discussed doing someothing on NYE. Next day I felt like I was pushing for a conversation with him. Was it something I said the day before? IDK. NYE came and he responded to my morning text. but ignored all the others that day, even my phone call. That night around midnight, i sent him a text saying happy new year, love you. He responded with happy new year luv you. At first I smiled then took another look. Luv?? Hadnt heard from him since. Following day I asked why he was avoiding me.. nothing. I believe I am pregnant and now Im scared because IDK if he will stay away or what. I sent a text letting him know I may be pregnant and left it alone. Its been since the 5th that I sent it. Had not heard a thing. However, he was sent to a hospital for inpatient care out of state thru the VA to deal with his PTSD and I dont really know if he has his phone with him, if it is off, or what.

I have accepted the fact that he will pull away, and accept that things will be rough for awhile, but I sure hope he would not run from something he had wanted. I wish there was a magic pill to erase the things that haunt these vets.

 

[mslovelyme]

I am so glad to have found this site!! I can relate to what each and everyone one of you has said about the pulling away, going cold and needing space completely at random. My boyfriend suffers from PTSD. Up until recently we were only just friends so I hadn't seen this side of him before. As we speak he just wrote this via text "Remember what I told you last night? I'll call you or text when I'm ready and not before..." Jeeze he acts like I've in some way, shape, or form done something to deserve the space he's putting between us.

 

[Babykitten]

Hi, I a new to this forum and am a girlfriend of a combat vet with PTSD. This forum is a heart saver to find! Mine is the same story I read here ..

I started seeing a retired 20+ yr Combat Army Vet in October and fell in love quickly with this gem of a Man. In the beginning we clicked passionately, the signs were unbelievable that we belonged together .. Step by step disclosing our hidden disabilities, PTSD & TBI for him and the TBI from a MVA I survived 23 yrs ago. I was comfortable for the first time being with a Man with the guilt I own having a TBI and it's quirky lifestyle. I thought we would understand each other, as he was so charming chatting my emotional turmoil's away... He had it together.

Then just before Christmas came, I forget what it was I said or did.. surprisingly disturbed him and he broke up with me he, distanced himself, saying the combination of our PTSD & TBI's is against the odds, he can't get hurt again, and his love for me did not change? I was confused and hurt he'd give up when love was still in the air. I longed to be loved the way he loves me.. I gave it some time to digest his words of logic,- but my heart felt different, I loved him too much to give up on me screwing up by saying something stupid when I was over-tired and emotional from the loss of my cat (which he comforted me daily it was Ok to cry constantly). TBI trigger's I should have known to go into my safe solitude zone rather than scare him away.

I emailed him, no replies, I sent Xmas snail mail card, I Facebook messaged him .. no replies.. then finally he answered a chat message day before Xmas and we had a lovely Xmas dinner & day together. It was such a blessing to have my Man back ... I did my homework on his career and realized Xmas time held many War memories, it was tough for him mentally and the distance I felt had nothing to do with his love for me.

OK. Being a civilian, all I knew was to thank our Vets and Troops - when I got my head into the real sacrifice on their lives in War, In loss, in survival mode, terror attacks, and most of all the effects PTSD when they come home, I am at a loss of words because no one could imagine what that does to a person unless you been in combat and live with it daily in civilian life in the now.

The second time I felt lost, unloved, shut out was recently when he finally was scheduled for a knee replacement and we knew it was a big step for us that I stay with him during his recovery... All 12 days we were like a normal couple going through his surgery together, until the day before I was leaving? I felt this weird cold silent treatment again, he hardly talked and said I talk to much .. I was trying to plan a way home, pack my stuff, set him up with foods etc , I went above my limits to be sure he'd be OK while I was away.

I got a short generic message (not charming) when I wrote from the train I got there OK during a snow storm. I got a short generic message ..'good night my love' that's it, and he shut down when I felt so alone and unloved without him after care-giving for him 13 days. Trying to fall asleep - I didn't sleep that night, I was TBI confused and hurt. In the morning I questioned if he was in pain from surgery or did I do something wrong? He didn't know what I was talking about and said his love for me never changed..even though I FELT this distant silent treatment. At the time, this was unacceptable not to care for me the way I need to be loved, the way he loved me was gone. Unkind words were exchanged ..he won't talk to me.

A week has passed and I can't stop thinking about him, what he goes on inside his head that he keeps to himself. That lead me to do more homework, search the internet for girlfriends with Combat Vet PTSD boyfriends. This forum has enlightened me to understand what I was stuck on .. feeling unloved, alone, shut out after all that I did and him saying my love for you has not changed. Being a combat vet, they are trained to shut off their feelings for fear of loss and whatever War does to you ( I can't imagine). Plus the many meds they give during/after a surgery, the knee replacement recovery itself, whoa PTSD, TBI, VA hospital stay, P/T, Nurse etc., etc. No wonder he doesn't want to hear my crap now! Every time I asked how's the pain, how ya' doing, he's say OK... a tough guy. My only clue was night before I was leaving, in bed I wanted to snuggle and nuzzle saying we made it together doing this big step together, I'm leaving tomorrow morning and he replied in two words


"It's Sad" and he rolled over to sleep. The way he said 'it's sad' rings hallow in my head. I know he loves me and I now understand when he says: my love for you has never changed...(when I express feeling unloved) from reading the similar stories of girlfriends with combat war vets here.

Thank you for opening your hearts and posting how to deal and cope with these hero's in a relationship. They deserve more than gratitude words for their service for our freedom. May more people find this forum to help them with the compassion and understanding needed to help our warriors live in civilian land successfully .. the land they fought for you and me. My Hope - my hope is that my Combat Army Man does a turn around back to me when he is ready ..soon.

He is worth waiting for every minute when he is his caring, charming, unique self that I love with all my heart. Wishing he could open up to me on his emotional needs (not mine), not get in depression or training quick to kill mode in our relationship..PTSD is the elephant in the room I have learned. I pray a happy understanding life ahead together with faith that God does things in his own time.

 

[akenawolf]

My husband is a veteran with ptsd. I can share what worked for me. First off I had to be realistic I had to decide if this was something that I could cope with even with my own issues and figure out what to do if it escalates beyond our control. After being quiet for almost a year and giving him his "space" all I had achieved was driving myself crazy my silence enabled him to continue to treat me badly. So I got real with him, got loud, and told him I wasn't going anywhere when he tried to be distant. The first thing we worked on was self realization, I needed validation and recognition of my needs and feelings. Long story short just him taking responsibility and owning up to what he was doing was the majority of our marital problems. We eventually hit rock bottom which was the catalyst for change. We have worked very hard and have been together for five years. He is finally going to a therapist.

 

[Disposable]

I look at these remarks and can see what damage a person like does to others. Just an insight, the road is a hard one. I recently experienced this in a relationship. I have traumatic PTSD. I was pronounced dead twice. My ex tried very hard to bring me back. My days are like dreams, never knowing what is real, or what has happened. I hid it pretty well, yet, I am discovering , people like me are disposable. None really care to help, and why should they? It's my disorder, no cure. My days are consumed with just trying to ensure I continue to try and fake it. Therapy is just for money, the drugs are poison. PTSD always wins.

 

[Disposable]

Felicia, we are not cold hearted!! We are disconnected, dissociated, if you will. We have periods of time where the person we were breaks through, it's the constant fight, the battle we fight everyday to stay afloat. We are drowning. Everyday is a battle. I go to war every morning, noon, and night.

 

[akenawolf]

Disposable. People care you just need to find them, and tell them. I agree therapy is a business first but having a non personal and confidential perspective can help. People change their state of minds when there is something to change for.

 

[Babykitten]

The injury of PTSD does not mean they are cold hearted machines without emotion. It means they have an injury .... if they wore a band aid or a cast on their foreheads would be a remembrance to, handle with care? And I believe they get involved with us because they, like all humans by nature, want to love and be loved back.. Their hearts are so much larger than civilians, because they gave all of it, freely - Open to unspeakable fear, loss, terror, death's, hell sights we can't imagine in the name of love. Correct there is no quick pill cure ... but neither do a lot of injuries or illness or diseases. PTSD can be managed, when flare-ups get triggered ...patience, this to shall pass and the loving person inside with a huge heart will appear. They need support and understanding. I know they are strong because of their training & combat, hopefully strong enough to ask for help professionally when needed if their home life/girlfriends are not welcomed to a world they don't want you suffer for, like they are.