Relationship Girlfriend Was Kidnapped, And Has Now Pushed Me Away.

[BlueHeavenSpace]

I have been together with my girlfriend for 9 months, but she had recently broke up. The whole relationship between us was great and we genuinely had loved each others company, humor, personality and just being there for one another. We made it through her hardship of needing to undergo surgery 3 months into the relationship.

Just about a month before she decided to break up with me, she had experienced a highly traumatic event in her life. She was kidnapped and blindfolded for approximately 19 hours by three men. They dropped her off thankfully unharmed. She stated she was only pushed around and verbally abused for the 19 hours.

She was absolutely terrified having gone through that ordeal, and I believe she had blocked it from her memory as she remembered very vaguely of how the men looked like at all. Afterall, she was taken against her will and placed in a situation where she had no control of her own life.

Over the course of the next month leading up to her breakup with me, she slowly pushed me away. She started to space out more often and eventually brought up that she was emotionally confused and small things she normally was not bothered by seemed to bother her a lot. At the time, I had tried to look online on what happens to victims of kidnapping, and came up with nothing. I comforted her as much as I could and did not act any different as I normally would and we continued going day by day normally.

When she brought up about her emotional confusion, she stated she has feelings but she doesn't know where to put them anymore. Basically, I finally realized right after the breakup that she is emotionally numb, as she didn't know how to feel happy, sad, mad or anything. So she decided to breakup with me with the sole basis that she is a "bad girlfriend" and that she is holding me back because she does not understand herself, and even said that I don't trust her. Everything she enjoyed doing or talking about before, she had suddenly lost interest. I reassured her she was not a bad girlfriend and reminded her how great of a girlfriend and wonderful a person she is and that we have always been open to one another, and that trust her completely. I told her I'm fine with giving her as much space and time she needed and she responded that she was not okay with me doing so. She feels that by me giving her space and time, she would be burdening me.

Since the day she broke up with me, she said to please let her be and that she needs time. Since then, I have ever emailed, texted, and called her here and there. I have NOT excessively bombarded her with emails, texts, or calls. I would only do one or the other about once every 2 weeks or so. I would leave a message letting her know, that I'm here to listen anytime she wants to talk and that I'm here even if she does not want to talk.

I love her so much, but I feel so helpless that I couldn't do anything to prevent this incident from happening. I would have never imagined anything remotely to this happening ever. Throughout the entire relationship, we were so in love with one another and even now I am still in love with her.

She is probably not in a state of mind where she has any room to love as she may be trying to suppress her possibly anxiety about the whole incident which she avoids talking about. I think she is exerting so much trying to regain the feeling that she has control over her own life having gone through such a frightening life-threatening ordeal. I understand she may never love me back or come back to me ever again as maybe being close to someone makes her possibly feel not at ease as she tries with all her might trying to overcome her emotional numbness and anxiety. Still I want to be there for her even when she has pushed me away.

I'm trying my best to let her know ever so softly, that I am still here despite everything that has transpired, but at the same time, not overwhelming her with my presence by only trying to reach out to once every 2-3 weeks. However, at the same time, I feel conflicted that I should just wait til she contacts me back, but I'm afraid that she will further isolate herself from everyone if someone does not try to reach out to her.

I, myself, at first her initial breakup with me had thrown me completely off-guard as our relationship had blossomed so magnificently and beautifully. Yes, it hurts considerably and I feel completely useless and helpless that the one I love the most, I can do anything to help her. However, I know better that I need to keep my chin up, and still continue to move forward in my life and surround myself with friends and positive spirits and I cannot let myself wallow in depression. I refuse to let this drag me down, and I refuse to believe that our relationship had magically disappeared. I never gave up on her then, and I certainly am not going to give up on her now. Even through all this, I know what I must do to continue on with my life as it is until she opens up one day. I am not perfect and no matter what, I would still have my ups and downs as I remember all the great moments as well as all these seemingly overwhelming pressure of helplessness upon my shoulders. There have been many days where I'm full of optimistism and the next day I feel bogged down by the heavy weight of it all. Each day feels like an eternity.

I have my full trust and faith in her and our love that she will overcome it. It may take a long time, but I believe she will come out of this dark period stronger than ever.

I continuously debate with myself if I should continue to message her every so often or maybe wait even longer to message her once to remind her that I'm still here even as a friend if she cant put feelings into play. I am just worried she would further isolate herself. I realize that this is an extremely thin line I've been walking on trying to reach out to her but at the same time trying not to make her feel pressured in any way.

Taking life one day at a time, one step at a time, and still moving forward.

 

[Venusian]

Hi BlueHeaven,

It sounds like the trauma happened not very long ago. Has your girlfriend spoken to a trauma therapist? Speaking with someone that can just listen without the emotional attachement can really help. It did for me. I was kidnapped when I was a child but I blocked the memory out completely and only recently recovered them.

What you were talking about with your girlfriend and her emotional confusion and her saying she didn't know where to put them is so familiar. Everything you thought you knew about people is turned inside out and all your trust in your own instincts is destroyed. It takes time to build it back up. There is a lot of things that happened that I would never tell anyone I cared about. There are a lot of things that I am still trying to understand after 43 years. Even though I didn't have the memories I still had the reactions. It is getting better now but it isn't easy. I pushed away everyone that cared about me because it is easier than seeing the pain in thier eyes if they ever knew the truth.

Is it possible for you to talk to a therapist? After being on this site I know it is also hard to be a supporter, the trauma didn't just happen to your girlfriend, it happened to you to.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a sufferer. (I feel the need to say that as it matters to some.)

Your girlfriends life has been turned upside down. She's lost her sense of trust and safety. I'm not surprised at her current state.

It's imperative that she seeks professional help. You can suggest it, but beyond that it needs to be her decision to go.

Trauma changes us forever. We can heal from it, but we will never be the same person we were before. One of my former therapists told me that many trauma survivors struggle with reconciling the pre-trauma self with the post-trauma self. (I have no personal experience with this as my trauma was at a very young age.) So.....she may struggle with this. I guess my point is that she'll never be the same person she was before, but that doesn't mean you two can't have a future.

You're incredibly awesome for wanting to support her. Kudos to you!

I also struggle with the "I'm a burden", "not good enough for you" sort of thinking. It's VERY common amongst sufferers. It's like the trauma has truly broken us so we feel unworthy of anyone else....

 

[BlueHeavenSpace]

Thank you Vensian and ScaredOfLonely!

Yes it happened fairly recently. I myself haven't thought about going to see a therapist for myself. At the moment, I don't believe I need to as I do understand more of the whole picture than I initially started out with (and my mind is more stable from the shock of the initial breakup) including some counseling from my friend I know who went through PTSD. My friend had also mentioned just like you both said, that her life has been turned upside down and that she lost her sense of trust in everyone. It may take years for her to rebuild that trust in anyone, and even then, the trauma will always be there and I understand that.
Looking back, I do recall her mentioning a few times after the incident of her wanting things to be back to how they were when things first started, and during that time, I realize I never fully understood what she truly meant by that statement. It's obvious to me now that she is struggling to find that feeling of trust pre-trauma.

It pains me to think all that I can do is continue to try to reach out to her every so often (while not pressuring her). I sometimes cannot help but believe she does not realize herself of what's going within her mind. At the same time, I don't like to think that way, I really hope she has knows and tries to seek help. I don't want to suggest therapy, because if she truly does not realize her own state of mind, she would think that I, myself, think that she is "broken" and that is painful in itself.

I don't think she's broken, because she's not. I continue to do what I can, no matter how little it may be and support her even when she has pushed me away.

Plus, I've been told many times, that it's best for her to come to conclusion about herself of what happened and hopefully she would decide to seek help from that point on, but nothing can start without her acknowledging her trauma that is trying to take control of her life.

 

[BlueHeavenSpace]

It's been 3 months now, and I am getting tempted to see her in person more than ever.

Am I right to think this would be a bad idea? Part of me tells me it would be a good idea, but I am reminded that a majority from what I see is people recommend that I must wait for her to contact me first.

Enduring one day a time.

 

[amethist]

Has she been in contact with you at all since the break up. Just asking as if not, have you thought she may have moved on now. I would have done after 3 months.

I hope you can resolve this very soon, so you know where you stand in it all.

 

[BlueHeavenSpace]

She certainly has been diligent in not replying to the messages I left. I've emailed her once, and texted her twice in the past 3 months.

In her last email to me, she said she just wants time to herself, and to just let her be. It's been a challenge alright to resist messaging her. Never did she mention she does not ever want to speak to me again nor see me again.

That thought of her moving on has crossed my mind, but for how things were up to when this happened, and knowing how she is, I don't believe this to be the case. Perhaps I am being optimistic, but even then this has come when I felt I perhaps have hit rock bottom and being absolutely pessimistic about everything especially after feeling like I'm failing to reach out to her because she doesn't respond. However, her non-response is what I expected in the first place, but nonetheless I still feel the pain from it.