Relationship Girlfriend With Ptsd And I Are On A Hiatus

[Josh4757]

Hi.

My girlfriend and I have agreed to a hiatus because of her PTSD flaring up this month. She's in love with me and feels immense guilt because she feels that she is hurting me. She also feels that I deserve someone who can give me consistent affection and someone without PTSD.

Normally she dates people she doesn't care about because of the lack of investment. She took a risk with me because she fully invested and fell in love with me. She would normally kill off relationships because she didn't care about them, but she is conflicted about wanting to be with me, hurting me, and her worry that she may not get better.

Her being conflicted is the reason we are on a hiatus and not broken up. We are going to meet periodically to discuss continuing our relationship, in hopes that we can navigate through this.

This will either make us or break us. It would be devastating if it would break us because we both agree that our chemistry is amazing and that we love one another. The only thing keeping us from a break up is our chemistry and love.

What do I do and what do we do to continue our relationship?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Number one-counseling with a trauma specialist. Intimacy is a major difficulty for PTSDers as is trust and self esteem. As she works on these skills things will improve. If she gets flashbacks you can ask her what can you do to help. She needs a foundation of safety and trust. Build that and you will both benefit from it.

 

[greenleaf]

Hi Josh, it might be hard for some of us here to comment because we don't know much about what your girlfriend experienced -- and it wouldn't be right for you to post that here anyway.

However she's going to need to be in this for the long haul, PTSD takes quite a while to improve often and may flare up much later too. So, I can't give any quick sorts of advice, in a way... What comes to mind is more like... Educate yourselves? Keep educating yourselves because understanding this is like an onion. Layers. Is she in trauma therapy, can she get into it if not?

Also -- take care of yourself, look to be happy but hopefully including her? -- it's possible that she might feel safer if you are careful to keep yourself emotionally safe in some basic ways and keep boundaries ok. Again, I have no idea what her PTSD is like, it's very variable and may not all come up at once, there are adult traumas, childhood, combination, and within those everyone has specific issues.

 

[.Bubbles.]

Is she in therapy? What type of trauma has she been through? It's hard to give good advce with not much infomation.

It sounds like she really loves you. And that is scary for her. She doesn't usually allow herself to love. Let her know you care, are there for her, and if it isn't too much for you be patient. But she also needs to be in therapy, if she isn't already.IMO.

 

[GWhizz]

I have to agree with @greenleaf.

Like your gf, I never wanted to commit to or invest in a relationship until I met my current partner over 6yrs ago and fell in love pretty hard pretty fast.

I was only recently diagnosed though I can't say it's ever gotten easier on him. If anything it's at it's worst right now though he's sticking tight through it all. I can't say it'll ever get easier (sorry I can't inspire hope or positivity - it's not all bad though lol).

Not to make it sound like a contract or anything, though I believe it's important to set out certain terms and boundaries right now as to what you are both hoping for and willing to tolerate and what is not acceptable.

Remember all relationships are work not just one's where one or both parties has a diagnosis. The reason I never committed before my current partner is because I was never willing to do that work. I find it really hard and almost impossible admitting I sabotage it so often - but I'm willing to do this now for my partner, our little boy, and most of all - myself.

I really hope it works out and you can both utilise this time out to work out where you are headed from now :-)

 

[blackswan]

It sounds like you guys have had an adult and mature conversation about how things stand at the moment, and have made a plan together about how to proceed. These two things suggest to me that you're in good stead to be able to move through this difficult time :) teaming up together is the most important thing imo.

If I had a dollar for every time that Boyfriend told me that I need to leave him, I would have a lot of dollars! My advice is just repetition repetition repetition (when appropriate and not in a triggering manner) - I tell Boyfriend regularly that he needs to trust that I am an adult who is able to make decisions about my own best interests (we've known each other for 10 years but he still struggles with this one), that I know him and love all of him and would rather be with him on a bad day than without him at all, and that I can see that things are getting better. Two years of this and after a bad night on Friday he told me that he wanted to tell me to leave, but that he was containing that urge and recognised it as Trauma talking - big win for our house :)

Point being, the dark times can pass. I hope yours start improving soon.