Relationship Giving space to my partner

[erok0385]

This morning my partner messaged me and I apologized for my actions the night before where I was smothering her after having a hard weekend I owned up to it and apologized for it. She then got very mad at me because I brought it up when she had been crying all morning. I asked her what do you need me to do? Followed by whats up how can I help. Those questions received no answers. The only real thing she said was she needed space. So I did just that went on with my day. I then get a message around 6 telling me that I abandoned her today and compared me to her ex husband. This began a three hour argument that went up and down. Moments of understanding followed by accusations of me not listening or being a bad boyfriend. I got to the point where I was just to beat down to reply anymore. She closed it off by saying she needed space from me, us and this whole thing. I love her I really truly do and I don’t want to lose her or break up with her but I feel as if I’m running out of options. I don’t know what the space thing means and I don’t know what to do in general. Any help or kind words would be appreciated.

 

[digger]

Hi @erok0385 can you clarify, which of you has PTSD please?

 

[Woundedhealer]

I’m sorry you’re going through this but what she’s doing is a complete mind f*ck! You can’t ask for space and then say you felt abandoned when we give you that asked for space! One thing I’m learning is that PTSD is not a blanket “ this is the reason I’m an ass” excuse! There are many sufferers who still live by a code of ethics and respect their partners boundaries!
What are your boundaries? My suggestion to you is to figure out what you’re willing to accept or not accept and hold tight to those boundaries! You’ll be respected more in the end for doing so! I give you this message with empathy and compassion but whole hearted honesty! Best of luck to you!

 

[blackemerald1]

I love her I really truly do and I don’t want to lose her or break up with her but I feel as if I’m running out of options. I don’t know what the space thing means and I don’t know what to do in general.

I am presuming that only your girlfriend has the ptsd? I've read your other opening post in your other thread too.

Giving space to someone you've known a relatively short period of time (months) is a very hard thing to judge and get right. What 'the giving of space' actually does mean for you and her will be completely different to other couples.

I think you are right to ask her what that phrase means for her and then you have a think on it and see if that is ok with you. I add that last bit because some people are not ok with the giving of space.... in the way that they are told it must be given by the sufferer, and that is completely your choice, please don't forget that.

It sounds like your girlfriend was besieged by small but difficult problems and that led to her outburst towards you. I'm not convinced you were the real reason she lost her cool. In any event you both had an argument and it has carried over into two days. Did you feel like you were being verbally abused because to be beat down to the point where you no longer felt you could even reply sounds like it to me. You may want to think on that too. Verbal abuse is not ok.

This is a new relationship and it seems the honeymoon part might already be over but that doesn't mean the whole relationship is finished. I'm hoping you know there are a few phases that relationships go through and that first giddy stage is always reasonably short lived. But heading straight into meltdown territory is no picnic is it?

Has your girlfriend got a therapist? Is she really ready for a new relationship with you? Stand back and ask yourself what you need. Not just what she needs. Don't forget yourself in this scenario regardless of how horrendous her past is, it's not yours... so don't forget to take care of yourself and step away every now and then to make damn sure your needs are actually being met too.

I read on this forum frequently the non-sufferer in a relationship seems to relinquish their rights and needs. That's wrong. You are just as relevant and rightful to receive love, respect, kindness etc., from this relationship. If it's not happening now... do you reckon it's going to improve, if so how and when?

Back to your space question. I guess by what you've written above there was no way to appease your girlfriend. You tried to communicate and got rebuffed. You gave her space and were accused. I don't think you had many choices left. I'd say wait for her to settle down a little and then try to communicate with her calmly. If she won't regulate herself then well I'm unsure but I do know that all the love in the world will not resolve her problems. She has to fix her own problems. Not you.

You both must be able to respectfully communicate with each other. If you cannot do that I'm not sure what else there is to do.

 

[Woundedhealer]

I am presuming that only your girlfriend has the ptsd? I've read your other opening post in your other thread too.

Giving space to someone you've known a relatively short period of time (months) is a very hard thing to judge and get right. What 'the giving of space' actually does mean for you and her will be completely different to other couples.

I think you are right to ask her what that phrase means for her and then you gave a think on it and see if that is ok with you. I add that last bit because some people are not ok with the giving of space.... in the way that they are told it must be given by the sufferer, and that is completely your choice, please don't forget that.

It sounds like your girlfriend was besieged by small but difficult problems and that led to her outburst towards you. I'm not convinced you were the real reason she lost her cool. In any event you both had an argument and it has carried over into two days. Did you feel like you were being verbally abused because to be beat down to the point where you no longer felt you could even reply sounds like it to me. You may want to think on that too. Verbal abuse is not ok.

This is a new relationship and it seems the honeymoon part might already be over but that doesn't mean the whole relationship is finished. I'm hoping you know there are a few phases that relationships go through and that first giddy stage is always reasonably short lived. But heading straight into meltdown territory is no picnic is it?

Has your girlfriend got a therapist? Is she really ready for a new relationship with you? Stand back and ask yourself what you need. Not just what she needs. Don't forget yourself in this scenario regardless of how horrendous her past is, it's not yours... so don't forget to take care of yourself and step away every now and then to make damn sure your needs are actually being met too.

I read on this forum frequently the non-sufferer in a relationship seems to relinquish their rights and needs. That's wrong. You are just as relevant and rightful to receive love, respect, kindness etc., from this relationship. If it's not happening now... do you reckon it's going to improve, if so how and when?

Back to your space question. I guess by what you've written above there was no way to appease your girlfriend. You tried to communicate and got rebuffed. You gave her space and were accused. I don't think you had many choices left. I'd say wait for her to settle down a little and then try to communicate with her calmly. If she won't regulate herself then well I'm unsure but I do know that all the love in the world will not resolve her problems. She has to fix her own problems. Not you.

You both must be able to respectfully communicate with each other. If you cannot do that I'm not sure what else there is to do.

Well said!

 

[erok0385]

Hi @erok0385 can you clarify, which of you has PTSD please?

Sorry that’s my bad. She does.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Don’t fall into the crazy-making and participate. It just escalates the situation.

The second she would have accused me of abandoning her, I would have told her that I did not. I respected her boundaries and gave her space today like she requested. Then I wouldn’t have argued, apologized or agreed with any of her nonsense.

Just because it’s happening in her head doesn’t mean it’s happening for real. You know what you did or did not do, what you were really thinking, and what your motivation was. Don’t let her cloud your reality.