Relationship Giving Up

[kahlan]

I can no longer deal with the black and white of this anymore. Its become clear that nothing but him is important and I can't do it anymore. He can talk to anyone but me. When I say I can't deal with his problems plus my own, its made clear my problems dont matter. And last straw, his need to protect someone who majorly disrespected me. I love him, so this hurts more than anything I've ever done, I probably always will, but my feelings MATTER! I MATTER!

I can't keep stuffing my problems down just so I can care about what he's going through. I never wanted him to fix my problems. An occasional acknowledgement would have been enough. Not what has happened. I've never felt so hurt.

 

[The Albatross]

I think I might ask myself why I hitched my wagon to a partner who was clearly unfit to meet my personal needs (as you say, "I never wanted him to fix my problems...") and clearly entered into a relationship with a person who had other issues in spite of this.

I don't know what happened, however two damaged people (if you also had baggage that might have been brought into the relationship) rarely ever equal a lifelong partnership. One or both are hurt further in the process often times and I'm sorry for how you're feeling right now.

A certain amount of autonomy and self reliance is called for when in a relationship with a sufferer. And I'm a sufferer. My "carer" (I still cringe a bit when I say that term) is a product of neglect... it is not easy but we are bonded as we are both better people with the relationship than we are without it. By your brief post, it would seem, that it is not that way for you and the person you are in relationship with. Mutual benefit is the key here.

Probably more direct and concise than I usually am... but my intent is for your highest good. If you're relationship is not benefiting you... let him/her go and find something more mutual?

 

[kahlan]

Honestly, I thought we were better together than apart but I guess I was wrong. Its become all about him and his issues, and its become harder and harder to have a life of my own. Every other week he has a new crisis , and my recent life away from him hasn't been exactly smooth sailing. I've had to move again (which he made all about him, when in reality I'm struggling because at this moment my son and I are crashing at a friends house until I can find someplace new aka homeless) which he has turned into another excuse for me not to have him come see us. Then of course recently I asked to have a little time to process his sudden disappearing act that involved him possibly no longer living, I was a wreck for five straight days watching the news in his area to see if he'd been found dead, I was a ball of raw nerves bouncing from fear to anger to relief when he came back. This he saw as me abandoning him.

Now someone he barely knows is more important to protect from me, and I'm not supposed to be angry that I feel betrayed by this. I'm trapped in a cyclone of emotions ranging from despair to rage to jusgt plain numb. I can't do it anymore. I can't get caught back up.

 

[The Albatross]

It may be that your initial perception was right... but that the relational balance has tipped. Tipped past the point of it being mutual or useful to you.

I am the survivor sort... I cautiously weigh what I have available and extend what I can without suffocating, bringing myself into a crisis, or tipping into depression. Like in an airplane crisis, I have to put my oxygen mask on first. Maybe you do to... and kahlan, there is no shame in that. None. You may have done, extended all you are able. Yeah it hurts to pull back, but you got to do what you need to do for yourself. If not you then who?

Drama (like watching the news to see if he is alive or not in his area) is not an easy row to hoe. It is not a shortcoming on your part, you have a child to provide for. I understand your hurt, frustration and pain. Been there, done that in my first marriage to a man who was actually more damaged and soul sucking than I was.

 

[bell]

I'm so sorry, @kahlan. But you've tried, really really hard, so know that you did the best you can do. You gave it your all, and sometimes, it's just not enough. :(

Sending a hug if you need one.

 

[kahlan]

Thank you bell i needed a hug. and albatross thank you too. I needed that affirmation.

 

[dms]

Here's a BIG HUG!!

 

[HëllaBubz]

It's interesting, because I'm constantly fighting with my supporter because I can see that he needs support and help too, for his own problems, but he denies and squashes them down worse than I used to!

So I've dragged him off to couple therapy (conveniently called parenting counselling, which it could be if we needed it to be), and even after one session I see a difference in him a little.

Regardless of the other persons needs, you cannot have a host and a leech in a relationship, because it's damaging. You need (for want of a better analogy) to be able to feed off each other, so that you stay on an even keel.

Once it becomes established and apparent that one is feeding off the other, rather than being the other half of the balance, then you are right to get out. Another person's needs can never outweigh your basic necessity as a human, or you will be snuffed out in order to sustain that other person.

 

[The Albatross]

@ Bubz.... nice touch, "conveniently called parenting counseling" :woot:.. Good for you Bubz at recognizing a potential difficulty and being proactive!!!

 

[Everhopeful]

Kahlan, I think I've been going through a similar thing, although of course I don't know any of your circumstances. I think I get drawn to a life partner who has extreme pain and trauma and unfinished business, and I end up draining myself trying to rescue them because: they are actually mirroring my own denied, suppressed and unresolved painful childhood experiences. And I try to rescue them because I am trying to rescue myself by proxy!

I am starting to wake up to how I tend to anguish endlessly and obsessively about someone else's life pain and origin of their pain and methods to help them resolve it. But I have, up to recently, put zero effort and energy into acknowledging, identifying and resolving my own life pain!

My husband had also defaulted into the victim role with me, and I was sucked into rescuing him from daily crises.

This is not a viable, sustainable way to live for either of us!

You are totally in your rights to leave if you need to. But what helps me is the whole "Mindfulness" approach. The "detaching with love". Letting go and wishing love and blessings on the other. We are all ultimately on our own soul's journey, we are (as adults) responsible for our own inner soul work and healing. Nobody should feel that they are obligated to do another's healing work for them.

 

[kahlan]

My problem is that while intellectually I know what's going on my feelings tend to be at odds with that. My insecurities kick in and I make a mess. Add to that I'm an emotional sponge. Its a hard combination. Something I've gotten better at. His isolation for the most part I've gotten better at dealing with, I didn't like it, but my mind was finally winning out on that front, its more the "everything is one way or the opposite" that finally broke me. I need a few days to process ___ that happened, in his head I'm leaving him permanantly. I just don't have it in me anymore to fight it. I hate that between the PTSD and TBI an amazing person who does so much good can be reduced to so much pain and doubt. In my head I know absolutely that I can't fix him, but same as you everhopeful, I can't help myself to try.

I just can't do it anymore. But I'm also afraid of what will happen when he contacts me again because he misses me. I dont know if I can be strong and do what's best for me or if I'll give in to the not wanting to be just one more person to abandon him.

 

[A helpmate]

I am right there with you today. Been feeling like I could make him better..but in the process...I have disrespected myself. Never in life have I not been good enough. He is extremely hard on me and no one else. I feel as though I have seen progress and after reading all these post for the last few days I see that others have it worse than me....way worse. I get the disappearing acts....no contact for a few days...I can deal with those. He gives me a quick text to let me know he is okay. thats all I ask.....but knowing now ....after asking that in 2 years I have contributed nothing special to his life....is painful to say the least.
I am a nurturer...I want to make him happy as he is at his best when he is laughing and joking. I see it going downhill now though. It started out great....and every month I am losing more of the person I first fell in love with.

We have our own homes so it is easy to walk away when I get fed up. I have never really loved like this...been in a relationship where every day is a challenge. I never know what he is thinking as emotions are a no no. He hates emotion. Kissing is also off limits. Sexual encounters are great...but intimacy is sorely lacking.

With the help of this forum...I see that I cannot do this for the rest of my life. I see that I need to be loved and know I am loved. I need to be in a committed relationship. I want to be his friend...but I have to back up and let go. I am there now. I reached a point where I realized it is not me.....I am a beautiful woman who desires love and affection. I know that I have tried my best to give him what he needs and he could not accept it. End of story.

Self esteem is big here. If you do not have any it is easy to get caught up in their world and forsake your own. For the newer relationships...less than a year....think hard and long. This is a life changing, mind altering relationship . Once you become his closest companion...you also could be his trigger and you end up getting the short end. Not his fault ...but not easy to deal with when you want love.

Hugs for those of you who endure this and are married. I pray for you and give you my utmost respect. I am a strong woman....but this is a different kind of beast....and my situation is not nearly as bad as what I have read. Be strong, stay prayerful....set boundaries....and survive. Do not forget to love yourself first!