Going Home...

[PitbullLOVE]

I moved across the country three weeks ago because things were just not going well where I grew up and had lived my whole entire life. I had a life time of experiences in my "home town" and most of them were absolutely horrific, and I got stuck in a whirlwind of drama, defense mechanisms, and addiction. I definitely needed a chance to get away and collect myself and my thoughts, and I took full advantage of this opportunity. I have done tons of self reflection, read quite a bit, journaled quite a bit, and found very much insight in my life. My mind is more clear than it has ever been. However, it is definitely time to go home. I am conflicted with feelings of being excited and overcome with anxiety.

What if all of this insight goes out the window as soon as I touch down at the airport? Like a switch just flips in my head and I go back to my old ways, my defense mechanisms kick right back in?

What about the drama that is going to be going around all around me? It is so calm and so boring here, which made my recovery so easy...back home my life is filled with drama, my whole entire family thrives off of it. How will I keep from getting sucked right back in?

And my boyfriend...will I continue to be distant from him, will my heart continue to hold it's stone walls that I seem to believe have at least cracked since I have been here? Will I finally let him in, or will I continue to break his heart like I have been?

I'm terrified of the reality that will hit when I get home and how I will handle it.

 

[shimmerz]

One of the challenges of healing is re-integrating. I have found for myself that it is important for me to be able to attach to different 'states' in various situations. So for instance, you have spent some time feeling centred, peaceful, self reflective and calm. One of the challenges of integration (imho) is to be able to keep that space about you - that feeling - like a bubble that is impermeable - surrounding you at all times. It holds your energy and stops other disfunctional energy from coming in.

So is that feeling something you can call up - even for an instant right this second? Can you give it a colour or a shape? Can you picture it? Can you allow it to not just be inside of you but surrounding you all over even by an inch? What does it look like? Two inches? Can you grow it and see its colour and shape? Keep trying to picture that safe place that surrounds you. You have already done the hard work and felt your inner peace.

Perhaps you can make the front part of it a mirror. That way if people send you out energy that clashes with your inner peace you can reflect it back to them. This is all using imagery and it is easy for some and not so much for others. For me it has been miraculous.

 

[Suzetig]

I hear you say that it's definitely time to go home and am wondering what's making you say that? Three weeks isn't at all long to heal from everything you've mentioned here and I think it's reasonable to fear relapse, @shimmerz gives good advice about how to help yourself maintain your current state of mind. Do you have anyone supporting you in this - a therapist, doctor or support worker? They can help you think of ways to avoid old patterns of behaviour and feeling.

 

[PitbullLOVE]

@shimmerz This is also a great idea (you are full of them!). I have been reading a book about different energies and allowing your energy to flow through you instead of letting it build as pent up emotion, and it is also helping me a lot. Thank you.

 

[PitbullLOVE]

@Suzetig, I would love to stay longer if I could, but I am staying with my grandmother here and her house is tiny and she just retired last week and decided she wants her house to herself and that it is time for me to go home now. Unfortunately she has not been very welcoming for the duration of my time here so the time I have spent with her has been pretty miserable, so that is why I said "it is definitely time to go home" - just eager to be somewhere where I feel a bit more wanted.
I do not have anyone helping me get through this. I wanted to get a therapist while I was here, but long story short could not because this is a small farm town and had no therapists covered by my insurance. When I get home I plan on getting into therapy so I can get help working through some of my feelings/emotions.

 

[shimmerz]

When I get home I plan on getting into therapy so I can get help working through some of my feelings/emotions.

Beautiful plan @PitbullLOVE . You are a star being able to process all of this whilst being in a place you were not feeling very welcome. You seem to have put a great plan together in a short period of time. I can tell there is no moss that grows on you for lack of moving! Keep going and keep posting if you can. I would be very interested to hear how you are doing!

Love and Light,
shimmerz

 

[PitbullLOVE]

Thank you @shimmerz that made me smile!! :)