Good Struggle?

[One step at a time]

Last week, when I was in a lot of pain, I said something to my therapist like "Don't you ever get frustrated with me running around in circles and not getting anywhere?" And she said, "No, because I don't see you that way. I see you struggling..." [and I think she said something else but I dissociated and didn't catch it].

And I am realizing that this week I am struggling, but in a different way than before... it is not a just a blind fighting-to-survive-the-pain struggle. It feels like I have some perspective, now. I can sometimes identify the pain and the source and react appropriately. Somehow the act of saying, "Yes, this hurts because I feel like I did an inadequate job," or "This hurts because I am triggered" or "Oops, I guess I didn't set a sufficiently clear boundary during that interaction" makes it easier to bear? Things are still hard and painful. But it is feeling more like I have a choice... like it is possible for me to choose to fight back?

I'm sorry about the rambling nature of this post. I don't really know how to articulate this yet. Does anybody feel this way, too? What is this? Is this "healing"?

 

[mrsmegan]

Hi there.

I can totally relate to what you have shared.

For me, I had experienced this very intense, needing to manage stability and safety issues for so long - where it was very obvious to everyone that I was struggling.

Right now, I am still struggling, but it looks a lot different. Where I struggle now is that I am coming right up to the core lies that abuse has told me about who I am, what I am worth, what I deserve, etc. The lies that I have lived out of forever and it feels impossible to break. When I am struggling in that previous, intense way - the core issues are distracted from - but now they are more apparent.

Hope that makes sense, and yes, this is moving more towards healing...