Got A Job Offer

[catjudo]

Well, I started my new job five weeks ago. I've had a few minor bumps but nothing major. The first five weeks were training and the training schedule was different from my regular schedule that I was hired to work. My typical work schedule will allow me to work at night after my daughter has gone to sleep. The training schedule required me to begin work each evening while my daughter was still doing extra-curricular activities and evening bath/bedtime routine. In order to make it possible, my mother came and stayed with us for the five weeks to help out with my daughter. I am ever so grateful to my mom for doing this, otherwise it would not have been possible for me to take this job. However, five weeks of having my mother live in my house was no easy task. Combine that with the stress of a new job and my daughter's uneasiness/reluctance to not have me available as she is used to...well, let's just say it left me feeling slightly overwhelmed but surprisingly not at an unbearable level.

My mom has been gone for a couple of days. Last night was my first post-training work shift. I'm sitting here looking at my schedule for the week and I can feel the anxiety bubbling up. I'm on my own this week to juggle my volunteer commitments at my daughter's school, my daughter's homework requirements, after-school activity schedule and her dinner/bath/bedtime routine. We're very routine oriented and she always gets to bed at a regular time but it feels like an added sense of pressure to make sure that she gets to bed exactly on time so she has time to fall asleep so I can be ready to begin my job on time. It's silly to feel pressured or anxious about something we've already been doing for years anyway. I designed my work schedule around our existing routine. I don't know why I let myself start to obsess and worry over something that really isn't a problem.

After I took my daughter to school this morning, when I arrived back home I sat in my car in the driveway fighting back tears. Like I said, so far I've felt some minor sense of being overwhelmed but nothing unbearable. This morning it feels like that is growing a bit. I need to find a way to get these feelings under control before the sense of overwhelmedness (I think I just made that word up but you know what I mean) grows out of control. I'm pretty sure I'm just catastrophizing again and looking for the worst case scenario. Just because I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed this morning does not automatically mean that it will grow out of control. This is a do-able schedule that I've put together and I need to quit freaking out about it. I need this to work. I can make this work.

Sorry...just needed someplace to put these worries so I can hopefully set them aside for the rest of the day and do what needs to be done.

 

[The Albatross]

(((Catjudo))) This sounds like something that a hug will help. So very glad your mom helped out... change is uncomfortable. Trust yourself to recognize when/if something needs to move or change to fit this new job into your schedule. It will be okay. Necessity is a heck of a motivator. Remember to ground, breathe, and hit the mute button on the self talk when things get a bit more stressful. Stay on task as best as you can... and it will be creating the new habits that will give you some peace.

 

[KP the nut]

(((Catjudo))) - sending another virtual hug:D.

You have achieved so much over the past few weeks. Although I loved my Mum dearly she came and stayed with me for 5 weeks and it began to get a bit tetchy. I can see it in my daughters when they come home. Once independant we all fall into a routine of how we do stuff. It was very kind of her to help you out like that.

You are fortunate to have found a job that you are able to do from home and whilst your daughter is asleep.

We're very routine oriented and she always gets to bed at a regular time but it feels like an added sense of pressure to make sure that she gets to bed exactly on time so she has time to fall asleep so I can be ready to begin my job on time.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but must she be asleep. My girls also had a routine, bath, story, hugs and bed. Usually it worked but sometimes they were not ready for sleep. If that were the case, they were allowed to read or listen to a story tape, however they had to stay in their rooms. From when they were to small to understand I used to tell them that I had been with them all day and that it was now grown up time, they accepted that.

This is a do-able schedule that I've put together and I need to quit freaking out about it. I need this to work. I can make this work.

Yes, it is a do-able schedule. But please try not to put yourself under too much pressure. Volunteering at school (or anywhere) is great but maybe sometimes practise saying no. That is one I'm working at but for my sanity and wellbeing I need to master it. Remember to keep some time each day just for you.

Let us know how it all goes.

KP

 

[Srain]

I don't know what else to add, everyone seems so on it.

What touched me was after all you have been through you finally had the time to let go and get in that much needed cry. What a great job you have done, for yourself and your daughter :)

peace and serenity,
Rain

 

[catjudo]

I don't know how old your daughter is, but must she be asleep?

My daughter just turned 7 a couple of days ago. Must she be asleep? In reality, probably not. But in my world...yes, she must! I've had a couple of evenings when our schedules were a little off and although she was settled in bed she was not yet asleep. It makes me extremely anxious and uncomfortable to know that I'm working while she is still awake in the next room. Call it what you will...silly, stupid, unrealistic, irrational...but it is my reality.

But please try not to put yourself under too much pressure. Volunteering at school (or anywhere) is great but maybe sometimes practise saying no.

I did cut back my volunteer hours. I went from volunteering two mornings each week to only volunteering one morning. I've also had weeks where I wasn't really feeling up to it and I've had to call in and skip some of those remaining volunteer mornings.

Overall, I've not been doing very well the past couple of months. I'm not 100% certain if it is a bipolar thing, a PTSD thing, a holiday-time-of-year thing, a work thing, or a combination of two or more of those things. I know that as we got into the holiday season, I've been required to work more and more hours. Now, technically, it is within the limits of the number of hours I was told were possible. However, I was told it typically wouldn't be this many hours and I just didn't think ahead well enough to realize that of course my hours would increase drastically during the holidays. I've done all I can to reduce my number of hours as much as possible, but with very little success.

This week marks four months that I've been at this job. I have to say that when I'm actually working, for the most part I enjoy what I'm doing. However, I cannot continue to function working this many hours. I've been very depressed...approaching dangerously low moods. I started seeing a new psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago and he wants me to quit the job. I'm desperate to find a way to make it work. I can't help but feel like this particular job is the best case scenario for my situation and if I can't make it work, then I feel like I'll never find a job that I can be successful at. I realize that is pretty extreme, messed-up thinking, but it is very much how it feels to me.

Am I this depressed because it is just a difficult time of year? Because I'm bipolar? Because of my PTSD? Because of the job in general? Because of the job, but only because I've been working too many hours? Probably some combination of two or more of those things! But the compromise I reached with my psychiatrist today was to take a leave of absence from work. Of course when he suggested it, I was thinking something like taking a week off. No, he wrote me off of work for three weeks and said we would see how I was doing at that point and discuss my options then. I did mention he doesn't want me working this job at all, right?

Part of me is relieved to be able to take some time off and see how I feel. Part of me is scared and crying because I feel like I've failed!

 

[maddog]

Oh Catjudo, I'm so sorry for your struggle. Your message really touched me - I only just read this entire thread through right now and have just gathered my snapshot of the past few months for you on this work issue.

Please, please be gentle with yourself. This is not a failure or any reflection on you at all. It is 100% obvious to anyone reading, even one who knows only what you have written in this thread, that you are a dedicated, hard working, honest, empathic person who is trying superhumanly to balance life and all of its too many demands. Please don't look on this as the end or a symbol of finality. A leave of absence is merely that, and perhaps in the new year, when this abismal time of year is behind you, you will be in a position to make the next decision for the next steps along this journey.

This just really touched me, as I am currently on directed leave from work myself, as of yesterday, and am dealing with the sting of perceived failure as well. Somehow we have to both believe that our best is always enough, and when there are too many balls in the air, we have to put down one which can be put down for a while, so that the most critical ones, ie yourself and your daughter, can stay up.

Thinking of you, please keep in touch with us.

Maddog

 

[intothelight]

Maddog and Cat,

Your best is good enough. No one can ask any more of anyone else. Honestly, if this wasn't my own company I would have been put on leave last week. There is no shame in recognizing limits, in fact it is really healthy.

Health cannot be replaced, both physical and mental. Do what you need to, in order to protect this, heal and be stronger.

Deb