Find myself, ashamed to write this, about the relationship, I had with my younger brother, especially, around Christmas Time, but I need to release these toxic feelings, which have accumulated over the first three decades of my life, with him. On December 16th (Monday night), I had a montage of flashbacks dating from Christmas 1982 to 2003, which lasted about an hour. The first time, I have relived this part of my life, in such vivid detail. Previous flashbacks concerning him have been, mostly from the summer of 1985, when he brutally beat up, both mom and I, as dad was hospitalized for his heart attack and complications afterwards.
During this latest series of flashbacks, no direct violence was ever done to me, the threat of violence hung around me, by him, expressed through his body language and threatening actions. During the Christmas of 2001 or 2002, I feared for my life, after his explosive reaction, to getting a gift card from a music store chain which I know, he frequents. I had to fight my impulse to ask mom, to drive me, back home, at that very moment. Meaning, we had a four hour drive through country roads, which experience very severe white-out conditions, in the winter, during a snowstorm.
The other flashbacks were, of a similar nature, but the level of threatening violence, from him, is much lower against me. His reacted violently, to getting a Christmas gift, which he felt was insulting, or wasn’t the exact thing, which he asked for, as the case, in 1990, when I got him, a t-shirt from my university, as a gift. I have never seen such distain or resentment to me, until his reaction to the gift card, I gave him.
I never told my parents, about these feeling of mine, toward him. Fearing, it would make the situation worse, for me and my parents. And they did nothing to correct his destructive behaviour, as a child or as an adult.
Since 2004, I haven’t been home for the holidays, either, because of the threat of bad weather conditions or the fact; he would be there, at mom’s house, which I told her, in August 2007, I wouldn’t step foot, into her house. I feel like, I am being punished for his actions, even though, I am, the innocent party, here. A point made moot, as I have broken off, all relationship with mom, in October 2012.
During this latest series of flashbacks, no direct violence was ever done to me, the threat of violence hung around me, by him, expressed through his body language and threatening actions. During the Christmas of 2001 or 2002, I feared for my life, after his explosive reaction, to getting a gift card from a music store chain which I know, he frequents. I had to fight my impulse to ask mom, to drive me, back home, at that very moment. Meaning, we had a four hour drive through country roads, which experience very severe white-out conditions, in the winter, during a snowstorm.
The other flashbacks were, of a similar nature, but the level of threatening violence, from him, is much lower against me. His reacted violently, to getting a Christmas gift, which he felt was insulting, or wasn’t the exact thing, which he asked for, as the case, in 1990, when I got him, a t-shirt from my university, as a gift. I have never seen such distain or resentment to me, until his reaction to the gift card, I gave him.
I never told my parents, about these feeling of mine, toward him. Fearing, it would make the situation worse, for me and my parents. And they did nothing to correct his destructive behaviour, as a child or as an adult.
Since 2004, I haven’t been home for the holidays, either, because of the threat of bad weather conditions or the fact; he would be there, at mom’s house, which I told her, in August 2007, I wouldn’t step foot, into her house. I feel like, I am being punished for his actions, even though, I am, the innocent party, here. A point made moot, as I have broken off, all relationship with mom, in October 2012.
