Grandmother In Coma--- Terrified Of Visiting

[Stir Ling]

I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2010. I'm an abuse survivor. My father was an alcoholic, very violent, and I was horrified to be at home with him as a child. I have vivid memories of being beaten, and he put me down my entire life. When my daughter was born in 2009, I started having stranger memories, feelings of anger and fear, and inexplicable nausea. Then I was held up at gunpoint at a store late one night and thought I'd be shot. This broke the damn. I ended up in therapy, and via meditation, zen study and yoga have made much progress. I also stopped attending family events, and keep my kids away from my parents, with whom i have zero contact. This REALLY HELPED! I get triggered when I have to go by my old house. I have my own Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. my whole family, from aunts to vague friends of cousins, think I'm a self centered jerk, but I had to do it for my own health.

Now my grandmother is in the hospital. She's in a coma after a fall down the stairs, stitches, a concussion. I'm horrified of going to see her. I don't want to see my parents, and I don't want to call to "arrange something" which would "make it all about me". I've been sick, chest and abdomen pains, since hearing about the news, and I have occasional nausea. I've also been hearing voices again and feeling presences behind me. One of my worst symptoms is the sudden, very strange and inexplicable smell (olfactory flashback?) of urine, like a dirty penis. My throat constricts and I feel something in my mouth. I hate this! It makes me feel like I'm imagining things to torture myself. But these symptoms get worse when I feel "obligated" to see my family.

Should I find a way to go? Will I live with myself if I don't? Please help!

 

[Jlso111187]

If I had the chance go back to a few weeks ago when I got the call saying my grandma was in hospice and had 3-6 months to live I would leave that night to go see her knowing now that she dies 2 days later. Knowing how much I am beating myself up for deciding to wait I would go see her if I was you. Yes, its going to be hard, and if you don't want to be by your parents alone take someone with you.

DO NOT let them ruin what might be your chance to say good-bye. I know that is hard to think about but its reality. You love your grandma and obviously want to see her so go do it. I do think if something happens you will regret it.

I hope this helps.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Hi Stir ling. If you can't get the strength to bring a friend for support as Jlso suggested. My opinion is to be self centered and arrange a time if you want to see your grandma. You have every right to expect that deserve this privacy in your situation. The flash backs above scream's you need to seek therapy for assistance with the abuse you have suffered. It is quite a trigger. You could use Trauma therapy. Check out the Wiki here. There are a couple of therapies that could help. I wish you healing and peace.

TB

 

[The Albatross]

Making a plan or strategy to successfully be able to come to the hospital and be with your grandmother is not "making it all about you". It is responsibly managing the stress as best as you are able. I agree that enlisting the support of an independent third party can be a big asset.

I hope you can make an attempt to visit, regret is a very hard thing to deal with.