spiritlove
New Here
I am so grateful to have found this forum.
I am not sure quite where to start, except to say thank you to everyone who have shared their stories here. I have read a few, and think this is exactly where i need to be. Please forgive me...I currently lack the clarity of thought to express myself with ease.
I was diagnosed with PTSD around 8 years ago. Was in a very abusive marriage 18 years ago, managed to escape with my child, was required by the courts to allow our child to see his abusive father...who eventually abused him when he was 8. I fought every system in the land (it felt like) for 18 months to keep us all safe. My ex husband stalked us routinely, attempted to kidnap our son. I did not sleep for months as I was hypervigililant to keep us all safe. Unfortunately, all of the "systems" failed us, and we had to flee our homes and "go underground" after his final attempt to hurt us. Tried to start a new life, got lots of therapy...did all of the "right" things. Did the medications (used to work as mental health therapist...so I understand what you are "supposed" to do, meds etc) My son is a testament to the strength of the human spirit! He is well adjusted, balanced and through intensive support has emerged from his experience shining brightly. I thought that I had too. I looked to alternatives to help my trauma and have been doing well (or so I thought). In fact, I have not even used the term "PTSD" or accepted this diagnosis because i thought i was just fine. The past year, the anxiety and panic attacks began...daily. My current relationship is non abusive and healthy, however, I cannot deal with ANY conflict. If we get into an arguement, I "blank" out, can't remember what the arguement is about. Had a serious disassociation last night as a result of a minor disagreement....and I'm absolutely terrified all over again. I thought "it" was gone. My current partner told me that "something happens" to me, my perception gets distorted and I become irrational. I have fought these "allegations" for several years now, since they reminded me of the allegations of the former abusive husband. I guess I have just realized that I am not finished with this PTSD...or perhaps I never acknowledged it enough to start. I did feel like dying last night...which is something that used to happen frequently. I am terrified of the drugs...i've done just about every single one, and am so sensitive to the side effects. I take many vitamins, eat healthy and actively work on "healing" through non traditional modes. Have started self medicating through smoke of pot to help sleep...and cope.
Has anyone else ever had trouble in their intimate relationships when it comes to an arguement and remembering what is going on? Is this disassociation? I am not in immediate danger...but part of me thinks i am. I've called a local therapist group and am on a wait list now. Will this haunt me forever? I am terrified that I am going "crazy".
Thank you for listening. Thank you for allowing me to be part of this forum and seek out the support that I, and my family need so desperately.
I am not sure quite where to start, except to say thank you to everyone who have shared their stories here. I have read a few, and think this is exactly where i need to be. Please forgive me...I currently lack the clarity of thought to express myself with ease.
I was diagnosed with PTSD around 8 years ago. Was in a very abusive marriage 18 years ago, managed to escape with my child, was required by the courts to allow our child to see his abusive father...who eventually abused him when he was 8. I fought every system in the land (it felt like) for 18 months to keep us all safe. My ex husband stalked us routinely, attempted to kidnap our son. I did not sleep for months as I was hypervigililant to keep us all safe. Unfortunately, all of the "systems" failed us, and we had to flee our homes and "go underground" after his final attempt to hurt us. Tried to start a new life, got lots of therapy...did all of the "right" things. Did the medications (used to work as mental health therapist...so I understand what you are "supposed" to do, meds etc) My son is a testament to the strength of the human spirit! He is well adjusted, balanced and through intensive support has emerged from his experience shining brightly. I thought that I had too. I looked to alternatives to help my trauma and have been doing well (or so I thought). In fact, I have not even used the term "PTSD" or accepted this diagnosis because i thought i was just fine. The past year, the anxiety and panic attacks began...daily. My current relationship is non abusive and healthy, however, I cannot deal with ANY conflict. If we get into an arguement, I "blank" out, can't remember what the arguement is about. Had a serious disassociation last night as a result of a minor disagreement....and I'm absolutely terrified all over again. I thought "it" was gone. My current partner told me that "something happens" to me, my perception gets distorted and I become irrational. I have fought these "allegations" for several years now, since they reminded me of the allegations of the former abusive husband. I guess I have just realized that I am not finished with this PTSD...or perhaps I never acknowledged it enough to start. I did feel like dying last night...which is something that used to happen frequently. I am terrified of the drugs...i've done just about every single one, and am so sensitive to the side effects. I take many vitamins, eat healthy and actively work on "healing" through non traditional modes. Have started self medicating through smoke of pot to help sleep...and cope.
Has anyone else ever had trouble in their intimate relationships when it comes to an arguement and remembering what is going on? Is this disassociation? I am not in immediate danger...but part of me thinks i am. I've called a local therapist group and am on a wait list now. Will this haunt me forever? I am terrified that I am going "crazy".
Thank you for listening. Thank you for allowing me to be part of this forum and seek out the support that I, and my family need so desperately.
