Greetings To All

[Jimmy1]

One question I've been asked alot lately by people is why it took so long to show up. Well, for the longest I was under the false impression that that PTSD was only indicated by flashbacks so, since I never had those things, I thought all the anger and depression came from somewhere else. Well, just lately, it was suggested that I take another look at PTSD, and I became aware of its other manifestations.

Jimmy, I am living in Louisiana, am married with four great children, all grown and gone. I wish I could say this has been easy on them but it hasn't been. A great deal of my inability to be close with the kids, I feel has been strongly connected with PTSD. My first marriage didn't last because of me, primarily.

Jim,

When you look at it, that is why its called 'Post' Traumatic Stress Disorder. The problem with the 'Post' part is that there is no definitive time.

I was watching 'Band Of Brothers', and some of those veterans explained it to perfection. They said that some guys were affected straight away as depicted in the movie, and others did not get affected till nearly 30 years later.
Its basically how long is a piece of string.

I met the father of a young bloke on my PTSD course. He was a Vietnam Vet. Anyway, after learning about the disorder on the course, I could pick it a mile away. I told him what I thought and almost got a smack in the chops. Two years later, he did the course and we are now great friends.

You see Jim, we can hide the symptoms sometimes by throwing ourselves into work. As I have explained before, the military teach us how to keep our emotions in check. So we lock all those horror memories, emotions and other shit away in a vault in our mind. Its sealed up as tight as a fishes arsehole. Usually the only emotion we display openly is anger and everything else can be masked by working hard. Eventually though, sometimes after retirement when the mind and body are unwinding, cracks start appearing in that vault. So we go to a professional to seek advice and they usually tear the lid off.

Am I making sense.

By the way Jim, there are very few ex servicemen and women with PTSD who manage to retain their marriages. If they do, their partner should be given a medal as they would have to have very, very thick skin.

Cheers

Jimmy

 

[Anglesachse]

By the way Jim, there are very few ex servicemen and women with PTSD who manage to retain their marriages. If they do, their partner should be given a medal as they would have to have very, very thick skin.
Jimmy

It amazes me how my misses puts up with it.

We met in the winter of 90 just before the Gulf I had allready done tours of NI,we married in 93 and I left in 95, with the Gulf, Bosnia, Kosovo and more tours of NI to add to the list.

only 2 year ago in 2009 did I get diagnosed with PTSD aswell as a few other things. she has put up with it/me for 20 years, (some good, some bad, some damn right evil) but she has stayed by me the majority of the time. and man am I gratefull. we are still together now! and as Jimmy says, she deserves more medals than I ever recieved or earnt.

But the real good thing these days, I can say "thank you" to her for just being there. 2 year ago I couldn`t, it would have meant, I was weak and had a problem! which I now know is correct. we are, we do!

 

[rossjall]

Am I making sense.

Yes sir, you are. I can't describe how refreshing it is to be at a place (this forum) where I don't have to try to translate what I'm going through. Some people literally believe that PTSD is an elective thing.......I can turn it on and turn it off.............they think it's elective. I'm so tired of having to explain that my "war wounds" don't need bandages and are free of blood, but they are wounds nonetheless. Of course, once I succeed in getting them to see the whole picture, they often withdraw and regard me as someone to be avoided.

I hope I'm making sense. I feel sometimes that I ramble a bit.

Jim

 

[rossjall]

But the real good thing these days, I can say "thank you" to her for just being there. 2 year ago I couldn`t, it would have meant, I was weak and had a problem! which I now know is correct. we are, we do!

Anglesachse:

My second wife has been trying to understand what I'm going through, and she struggles to help at times. But there are other times when she'll say or do something that sets me off.....................usually I get real quiet and leave the room. Sometimes, though, I blow up and say some things I regret later. But by and large, she's been there for me too.

 

[Jimmy1]

Yes sir, you are. I can't describe how refreshing it is to be at a place (this forum) where I don't have to try to translate what I'm going through. Some people literally believe that PTSD is an elective thing.......I can turn it on and turn it off.............they think it's elective. I'm so tired of having to explain that my "war wounds" don't need bandages and are free of blood, but they are wounds nonetheless. Of course, once I succeed in getting them to see the whole picture, they often withdraw and regard me as someone to be avoided.

I hope I'm making sense. I feel sometimes that I ramble a bit.

Jim

Yes Jim, you are making sense of me making sense. lmao.

The invisible wound of PTSD is a really hard thing. Some of us have injuries from bullets, or even fire. But dress returning service personnel with PTSD in full dress uniform, and apart from looking overly cautious, there is generally no sign.

This Forum is a safe place where we can speak our mind, but always keep in the back of your mind that if you are on a downward spiral some things on here are best not to be read and if read can only lead to negative comments or even amplify the demon. That is why a lot of veterans, when they are sick (i.e. having a rough time) don't come on here much; however, on the other hand, it can be the best medicine.

As for turning it on and off, well yes there are those small minded people out there that think that. When in reality they are just uninformed.

The other problem with being a veteran is the fight that goes on inside our head. On one hand we want to feel the effects of depression and have the 'Woe Is Me' moment, but our conditioning of 'Harden the f*ck up' takes over so we are caught between a rock and a hard place.

I do know of guys that play on their symptoms though, especially when they don't want to be social. They tell themselves that they are not well over and over and you guessed it, they go into flight mode.

Rambling again which is ok

 

[rossjall]

This Forum is a safe place where we can speak our mind, but always keep in the back of your mind that if you are on a downward spiral some things on here are best not to be read and if read can only lead to negative comments or even amplify the demon.



I do know of guys that play on their symptoms though, especially when they don't want to be social. They tell themselves that they are not well over and over and you guessed it, they go into flight mode.

Not quite following you in the first paragraph Jimmy. Do you mean that I might read a post which will drag me down further if I'm not doing well?

I've wondered if some of that may be going on with me. I feel I use PTSD as a way to explain why I am not a "social" person. People seem to respond to that and back off.

If I am required to socialize, I can do so for a time before I get *really* strung out. My wife says I get a real wild look on my face, and she knows to start looking for an acceptable excuse to leave.

Jim

 

[Ned]

Jim my girl knows that look on my face. It was at its worst some 4 years ago. Went to a works do and really tripped out. Explains the party-pooper behaviour previous to that...

Exposure therapy (even self-administered) helps. If you go into a situation with you & the missus knowing there's a bog-out plan, it helps, and can often allow you to tolerate it (and hence immunise yourself) for longer than you might have thought possible.

I think what Jimmy was pointing out is that if the PTSD beastie is pulling the strings, it isn't always a good idea to immerse yourself in other outgoing. Although isolating is not the answer, neither is mosh-pitting.....

 

[Jimmy1]

Not quite following you in the first paragraph Jimmy. Do you mean that I might read a post which will drag me down further if I'm not doing well?

That is exactly what I meant Jim. Personally if I am having a bad time, sometimes if fellow forum members start describing their trauma, its like a dagger and can drag up memories. Where most times I find the forum soothing as there are like minded people on here that all share the same feelings and understand each other.

 

[Fargo1]

Welcome Rossjall,

Sorry for the belated welcome, I have been avoiding coming here for exactly the reason Jimmy says, been pretty down the last few weeks. But it seems my roller coaster is on the upward climb, so back I am.

What I have been getting a lot recently is people (civies) saying, "Oh, I get depressed too." or some similar thing...drives me crazy(er), but I just smile and carry on.

Glad you made it here and hope we can continue to help.

Fargo

 

[Jimmy1]

Yeah, thats what my brother said, 'Everyone gets depressed at some stage'. They are just ignorant and only live in the space around themselves. Its not until they are exposed first hand to a situation do they sit up and take notice.

 

[drabs08]

Wow what an eye opener, I haven't even had coffee yet this morning. First off Jim I'm too, welcome aboard, I don't know whose comments hit closer to home, I dind't seek help for ptsd until the last 2 to 3 years. My buddies from my old unit almost all of them did, I had dreams of / or flash backs in my sleep, I hate crowds, & until I read this entire page, I imagined no one else felt like I did, as it turns out, you all do, & I'm happy to be apart of this psycotic family from made up of men from every country & military occupation, combat zone. Yesterday I had a major melt down at Disney on Ice, the lighting, crowd, kid behind with a spinning lights mental grenade toy for my mind, the loud bass, small piro explosions to kill the witch, smoke machine it may as well had been a hot LZ in my mind. So I told my girl I had have a beer, I felt the cross hairs on me the whole time, kept moving around, exploring every E&E route out of the place. I sat out the rest of the show which was about an hour & a half. Jarhead I felt spent afterwards from all the energy it took not blow up.

So Jim I've learned more in the last 24 hours listening & reading what everyone here has to say, I think it will help you to, I know that just knowing we all have some many of the same symptoms is reassuring that I'm not alone, your not alone & were not alone, I've lost a wife to this, that wasn't all bad. But my kids & new fiancee are feeling it, like your kids as you mentioned Jim.

I'm praying for everyone here, & Chris I love that Infantry blue & cross rifles brother

 

[drabs08]

One more thing we may all have in common is how for the last 20 years for me anyways, no one understood what I was going thru, when the moments got bad, my exwife used to say your a soldier tough it out, or its beens years let it go!!! Let it go? Or just think your back home, its safe here ,, You ever hear anything like Jim or fellas