Hello all,
It's been awhile. EMDR was really working for me. I was managing. Cue my grandfather being diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. I became his caretaker and was with him until the end, planning his funeral and managing the estate alongside my uncle. Anyways, my mother was estranged from him and I found out she had stole my identity. I was forced to report this to the police to not be in immense debt. She was livid said I was a horrible person and that she was going to destroy my marriage. I simply blocked her and cut out the toxic relationship in my life. As my grandfather was like a father to me, due to moving around and childhood trauma we were beyond close. His passing hit me hard.
I went to therapy and I dealt with life. Note almost a year later. Our dog developed a neurological disorder. He became so aggressive and no vet, medication, behavioural vet, behaviourist, or anything brought him relief. He kept getting worse until finally they told us it was time to let him go.
Again therapy and coping and I learned to deal. Yesterday my mother who I had not spoken to since finding out she stole my identity last time she had done this multiple times... Passed away suddenly. All I can think about is what if she died thinking I hated her. I keep imaging the scene and all the things I could have done to make the situation easier to tell her I didn't blame her and I forgave her and I loved her even if she couldn't be part of my life. I had intended to go and tell her this after covid... But now... Well. I feel horrible. I miss her because there was good moments. And for the bad the trauma haunts me. I feel like I should have been there and now I don't know how to go on and how to possibly deal with this. I'm lost and it just hurts. All I can do is sleep and cry and there is a giant absence in my heart as I've lost so many people.
My grandfather was 76, my mother was 56 and I know she is somewhere in this city right now having an autopsy performed and all I can think of is her lifeless and cold and alone....
It's been awhile. EMDR was really working for me. I was managing. Cue my grandfather being diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. I became his caretaker and was with him until the end, planning his funeral and managing the estate alongside my uncle. Anyways, my mother was estranged from him and I found out she had stole my identity. I was forced to report this to the police to not be in immense debt. She was livid said I was a horrible person and that she was going to destroy my marriage. I simply blocked her and cut out the toxic relationship in my life. As my grandfather was like a father to me, due to moving around and childhood trauma we were beyond close. His passing hit me hard.
I went to therapy and I dealt with life. Note almost a year later. Our dog developed a neurological disorder. He became so aggressive and no vet, medication, behavioural vet, behaviourist, or anything brought him relief. He kept getting worse until finally they told us it was time to let him go.
Again therapy and coping and I learned to deal. Yesterday my mother who I had not spoken to since finding out she stole my identity last time she had done this multiple times... Passed away suddenly. All I can think about is what if she died thinking I hated her. I keep imaging the scene and all the things I could have done to make the situation easier to tell her I didn't blame her and I forgave her and I loved her even if she couldn't be part of my life. I had intended to go and tell her this after covid... But now... Well. I feel horrible. I miss her because there was good moments. And for the bad the trauma haunts me. I feel like I should have been there and now I don't know how to go on and how to possibly deal with this. I'm lost and it just hurts. All I can do is sleep and cry and there is a giant absence in my heart as I've lost so many people.
My grandfather was 76, my mother was 56 and I know she is somewhere in this city right now having an autopsy performed and all I can think of is her lifeless and cold and alone....