Death Grief For A Stranger

[crispy362]

I remember the day he died as if it was this morning. I remember the time, the route I took, addresses, fire units, everything. Arriving on scene, I remember the smells, the sounds, and the first terrible sights. I remember staring at him, in abject horror, unsure of what to do next. But the worst that I remember was the feeling of overwhelming grief; for him, for his mother, his brother, and even the kids in the neighborhood, playing outside. I remember transferring him to the hospital bed, and staring down, for the last time, at his face. I walked into the hallway, and left my stretcher, monitor, and equipment in the middle of the walkway. I looked down at myself and realized that we had made a big mess on this call, and it was all on my arms, my boots, and my face. I didn't care. I sat at the back of the ambulance, smoked a cigarette, and sobbed. I wasn't sure why. I just... Did. I cried, not knowing this person, or his family, but I cried out of terrible grief. I felt guilty, sad, and insecure. These are the feelings that would follow me afterwards. Guilt, after what I was unable to do, sadness, after hearing his mother's terrified screams, and grief for a stranger.

 

[scout86]

You sound like a compassionate, caring person. Exactly the kind of person I'd hope would show up if I needed an ambulance. You know what? I'd appreciate it if you could help, and/or save my life, but I'd appreciate YOU, and that you tried and you cared, no matter what. I hope you can find peace with this stuff. The world needs more people like you.

 

[Deleted member 28403]

It's a part of being human, empathy... It's what drives us, but it can also make it harder.

Really, the guilt is not on you, there was nothing you could do, and it happened, but it wasn't your fault.

I hope writing this out helped. Sending warm hugs :hug:

 

[RussH]

I am guessing this was not your first fatality. The things we see as emergency responders have a cumulative effect on us. We can make a routine call, and all of a sudden we fall apart.

It is not just that call, but all of the ones that preceded it. They all just come rushing out and we blubber like a baby.

 

[The Albatross]

Sometimes to counter balance the focus on the ones I couldn't save... I pause to consider the ones where my interventions were assistive? Just sayin'. I was not an EMT though, I am a caregiver and CNA/HHA.

 

[Friday]

Yes.

...

Somewhat longer version : I'm usually good with people. Animals? Animals sneak through my defenses, and bring every ghost with them, but people I don't even have to try to keep my defenses up, keep my distance. Whether they're likely or not, good outcome or bad, emotions or not, there's that separation. Usually.

Every once in awhile though? This one person seems to somehow come to represent everyone. Usually someone I've never met, and now never will. Or occasionally just that one. The one who sneaks through all my defenses, all my distance, and grabs hold of my heart.

The hope & promise of strangers.