Grief - The Loss Of Our Old Self

[heather q]

Shiraz,

I don't know if I have the right to ask these questions, she is so far gone I don't think she cares, I don't think she's there any more. She is lost.

I don't know where she is, I don't know where to find her, I don't know how to start looking for her, I don't know if she exists anymore.

Maybe she doesn't want to be found, I don't know where I stand with her. I don't think I belong, right now I'm not sure of much about me.

Heather

 

[heather q]

And I feel condemned for writing that,

Heather

 

[ANCHOR]

At the risk of sounding ...too morose...

Has anyone ever thought about having a symbolic funeral or ceremonial goodbye thing for their lost parts?

I used to burn letters or small reminders in a safe place to do so. I also used to put stuff afloat in the water and watch it float away, in a pseudo asian sort of way.

I never thought of it for my PTSD amputated "parts".... I think the reason I haven't thought of it is because I don't want to do it alone... All of the other stuff I handled alone, before I was raped and the downward spiral took shape. But isolation is so strong with PTSD...I kind of feel like I want someone close to me to also let the old me go...but then...that doesn't always happen, either, does it?

Wow...I even wonder if that is why people make us feel guilty...cause they don't want to let go of our former selves, either...deep down...:dontknow:

(just some thoughts running through my head, tonight...)

 

[Grama-Herc]

I have held several "services" for various losses in my life. A "service" for our lost selves sounds like a good idea. I like the way you think, ANCHOR!

I just hate you feel so alone. But then, many of us feel alone don't we---even in a crowded room we can feel lonely.

But a ceremonial ritual sounds like a good idea.

Got any good ideas?

 

[smiley]

Hi, Im a first time user. I have just been diagnosed with PTSD. I thought I had issues before, wow they have just gotten bigger. I see advantages then I see disadvantages, so much to think about. For over twenty five years I have been living with dark glasses on and I'm about to take them off.

 

[ANCHOR]

Let's pick a date....

Maybe we can pick a date...and/or start a new thread...everyone creates something in their own way to represent their "lost part" "self" "characteristic"....etc. We can start the thread on the new date!?

On that date...maybe we pick a general time...everyone puts their symbolic item(s) in a symbolic container...and maybe the easiest one would be to bury it...whatever feels right...in the backyard or somewhere similar... Maybe we write a short poem or paragraph about why we miss that part but that we are learning how to cope without it and we know we are strong enough to let it go....yada yada yada...read the poem and bury it, too...or keep that in a journal for yourself for later...to look back on...

(to each his own at this point)

And as we each perform our own ceremony...we can make an online journal entry about it...

I am relieved I did not upset or offend anyone with this idea! :hello:

Any other ideas? Ooh...would it be crazy to take a pic of our object and include that? Can u do that on here? I don't know how...

hmmmmmmm...

Thanks for the open support, Herc! :Hug_emoticon:

 

[BethRSA]

For a "funeral" for parts of us, I don't know. I had a "funeral" 5 years after my child would have been born. (I didn't remember the pregnancy until 4 years after it happened.)

One friend and I went to the mountains with a waterfall. I'd written many poems bit by bit throughout my therapy. So, I'd read one. Cry. Burn it up so the ashes would go down into the water. We'd walk a little further and repeat. Each of the poems was a different "take" on my loss.

 

[inkie]

I grieve the loss of my old self daily. I would love to go back to the days of when I could get in my car and drive to the store without feeling claustrophobic or that I'm going to pass out. I use all of the good memories I had to help me get stronger and overcome this disorder that has taken over who I am.

Thank you for starting this thread, I am happy to know that I'm not the only one suffering.

 

[Grama-Herc]

I started this thread last summer, but it got off track somehow. After reading every post, and now knowing what my trauma was, or at least one of them, I find I am greiving something else. I am greiving all the lost time with my child. I was so busy running from my issues, I had no time to enjoy my child at any of her stages in life.

I may not have known why I was running but I was running still the same. Seems like I did everything I could to sabotage anything good in my life. I missed so very much. I grieve the loss of being a mother. I did not enjoy my child. I did not enjoy my life. OMG, I missed so much. She grew up right in front of me and I never noticed, or cared if the truth be told. At least not back then. How sad that she grew up alone. I was not emotionally or mentally capable of being a mommy to anyone and that is so sad. I feel so sorry for my child but I feel even sorrier for me. Look at what I missed. OMG!!!!! Look at what I missed.

 

[Paloma]

This is sure hitting home today. I have been teetering on a depression for a few days and woke up with that awful feeling that yes...I am in it now. The loss of old self is really hammering me. Even the recent old self. I got a letter of recommendation sent to me by the boss who moved out of state and took my job with him. It was just life but turned out to be the final straw that plunged me into this godawful flare I've been in for 6 mos. The recommendation was great...how self motivated I am, multi-tasking, running his business for him, an assett, yadda yadda. And I cried because it's like who the bleep is that??! I can barely get the motivation most days to sweep up the dog hair or buy food. Multitasking now is finding my butt with both hands. At the part-time gigs I have now...sweeping up or aswering the phone are challenges most days. I look back over what I can remember of my life and it is so full of loss and struggling to get a better life and getting knee-capped by this bushwacker called PTSD. I know it all seems so sad and bleak right now...depression rips the protective coating of denial off...but I am pissed off as well as grief stricken. Oh yeah ...that's a grief stage.

 

[heather q]

I couldn't grieve because I didn't know what to grieve about it. I didn't know what the beginng was. Now I know and I am so schocked and now sad, I've been stunned and out of it for a week, today I'm finally coming back to feeling like myself, but where do I start, when I was only five years old when this awful stuff started. It seems as if I can't grieve for what I thought, because I was so young. I just can't get to think what it did to me. Let alone what I have lost.

I can't imagine right now what my losses are, I do know the recent losses caused a great deal of damage, I don't know how I survived the same stuff when I was a child, how can I grieve for losses I don't understand. I'm missing so much time and what is coming back is not good.

But Gramma Herc, I thank you for this thread,

Heather

 

[eyebiter]

Sorry folks but I feel if I grieve the person I was then I will lose the fight to get to a better place than I am at today. I understand I will never beat PTSD, the best I can do is live with it, but I can't give into it and just live the way I am.

I hope you can understand what I am trying to say here, and I am glad you are at a place that you can grieve.