Grieving The Lack Of Mother

[Overcoming]

I'm hurting so badly right now. After years of emotional abuse at the hands of my narcissistic mother, I'm finally understanding just how much the way I live now and feel about myself is rooted in how are treated me. When I get upset about what she has done though, I get the impulsive urge to lash out on myself, whether it be a razor, a belt, or my fist. Why is that my automatic reaction???? My chest is hurting. My hands and wrists throb. I want a mom, but I don't want her. I've mother her too long for it to ever change.

 

[BlueOrange]

Abusive parents often train their children into believing that having negative feelings about the parent will lead to punishment. This can get internalized, leading to the urges you describe. If you don't act on those urges, they will tend to fade as your confidence that you don't have to act on them increases. Do discuss them with your therapist & make use of crisis lines in your area.

 

[Red Feather]

I have the same issues. My mother emotionally abused me until I simply was not there anymore. And after getting attached to a therapist who ended up dropping me, I fell really hard and all my mother issues are showing up. It goes really deep and it hard for me to put it into words but there is just so much pain there. It really hurts. And I struggle a lot lately with self harm. I didn't know that this was about punishment though. This is a new way of thinking about it for me. It has been my way to cope with what is happening, but I am also learning DBT and use skills if I can to avoid self harming.

 

[Overcoming]

It's such a fight. I am concerned that if I let myself feel it, I will act on self harm and I don't know how much will feel like "enough," or if I will go overboard with it. I'm not suicidal by any means. I feel like I'll go into a rage on myself. I hate this.

 

[Beemo3780]

My mother was bipolar and would go back and forth from being somewhat decent to be around, to being someone that was unsafe to be around. She cooked Thanksgiving dinner once when I was 7 or 8, and got really upset for some reason that I don't even remember and started throwing both hot food and knives at the wall. She always wanted to be the center of attention and would have complete meltdowns when she didn't get her way. Everything had to be perfect all the time. I grew up really scared of her, and spent a lot of time with my father's mother.

My mother ended up ending her own life when I was in my 20s, and in a way that really screwed me up for a while because I witnessed it. I know the feeling about grieving that I never had a mom. I gave up trying with her, especially after I had my daughter. I got used to it though. My friend's moms are all really nice to me, and I have a nice mother in law now. I do question why a lot, but I remind myself that she was mentally ill, she wasn't capable of caring for kids, and some people just don't get loving parents.

 

[BlueOrange]

It's such a fight. I am concerned that if I let myself feel it, I will act on self harm and I don't know...

Safety first! Keep yourself safe & discuss risks with your therapist.

 

[OrganicRobot]

The grieving never ends... it is more so the pain just gets dulled. The best thing I learned (and still learning to do) is to parent and nurture myself. The hole can never be filled by another human being, no matter how much one clings, pretends or protects on to another motherly or similar figure (this includes nurturing men). Those formative years and bonding time is lost, and somehow one has to make peace with the pain.



*Sorry - should be projects not protect. I haven't found the edit button on this new site since the migration...

 

[Red Feather]

@OrganicRobot I agree with you. This is the truth no matter how painful it is. Thank you!

 

[Overcoming]

@OrganicRobot I hear what you are saying. Settling into the understanding that I can never get what wasn't provided, because it should have happened in early childhood. It would never be the same from anyone else either. I've had a couple of women in my life that have assumed motherly roles, but I quickly learned that they don't love me the way that a mother really should, and crawling up into someone's lap for comfort at almost 30 years old is terribly inappropriate.

 

[Red Feather]

make peace with the pain.

I will try to remember that one.

 

[Fadeaway]

I can relate all to well. The lack of receiving things that a normal mom would give seems to be obvious no matter what activity I am engaging in.

 

[LadyZane]

My father took his own life when I was 4, and my mother was emotionally and psychologically abusive to me my whole life, something I'm only just now truly understanding (although I went no-contact about five years ago and never looked back). Like @Beemo3780 said, it's obvious now that she is mentally ill and was incapable of being a normal emotionally regulated reasonable person. "Some people just don't get loving parents." But the grief is so hard to bear, especially when you get to that point of letting down your guard and really understanding and feeling everything that you missed. We can't, while we're in it, or we'll lose our minds!

It's funny, I'm a writer and I realize that none of my characters have living mothers. I can't even fake a functional mother-child relationship. Sometimes I have dreams, though, where an older celebrity that I admire becomes a mentor/parent figure to me, and they're really bittersweet. It's great to feel that feeling of support and investment, even in a dream, but it really opens the floodgates of grief again, every time.