Guilt Getting In The Way Of Self Care

[LLMertens]

I would like some feedback on how guilt impacts recovery. Since my diagnosis last year and my hospitalization I've been attending therapy and DBT group. There is always advice on ensuring that I take the time for adequate self care. I'm just starting to realize that taking the time for self care is anxiety provoking for me because feelings of guilt surface about spending time on things 'just for me'.

The big example of this is cooking for myself. I regularly cook healthy dinners for my family - I get tired, but still feel that it is important enough. The other day, at home alone during lunch time, I remembered eating cooked carrots in the hospital and finding them strangely comforting. So I got out a pot and cooked myself some carrots. I had to talk myself into spending the time to do this for myself. I am thinking about it now and realizing that although I am home at lunch on my own regularly, I almost never, ever, ever cook for my own self.

To expand then, I will ask permission to take the time for a bath or a shower. (the answer is always yes, yet I still ask and I get anxious prior to asking). Spending time working on a puzzle to distract and self soothe feels like I'm 'getting away with messing around'.

This is a distortion. I do deserve to care for myself every bit as much as I care for my family. Do you have this problem and have you made any progress in eliminating it? Help? It's very uncomfortable.

 

[Muted]

I would like some feedback on how guilt impacts recovery. Since my diagnosis last year and my hospit...

I can relate to this, especially with the meal thing (even though I have eating issues anyway).

I fail miserably every day, because I don't feel like I can do my job and take care of my family. It's like I have to choose to either provide for them financially or emotionally. It tears me up inside, I keep holding on by a thread hoping by some miracle counseling will somehow enable me to do it all, because if I don't work I can't pay for counseling...

Sorry that I don't have any helpful thoughts on this one, but I can relate.

Is your family supportive of your time for you? Why do you feel like you need to ask to take a shower or a bath?

 

[trying2movefwd]

I think I am right there with you. So hard to care for self. I've never taken time to notice until you brought this to our attention. Good job caring for you with cooked carrots, awesome step toward healing.

 

[ladee]

For me..I dont know if it was guilt or toxic shame that I was feeling...that I simply did not deserve that time when it could be used for family.
I just know I kept doing it until that feeling of relief it was ' my turn' was as normal as the uncomfortable feelings used to be.

 

[Muted]

I agree with @trying2movefwd that it was great made that step and that you recognized it.

I'm sorry, I realized my previous post sounded pretty negative. I appreciated @trying2movefwd for pointing out those positive steps you're making.

 

[LLMertens]

Hi. Oh yes family here is very supportive. I ask for permission because of the distorted guilt inside me, not because they aren't supportive. I would like to say "I am going up to shower now" instead of "Is it okay if I go take a quick shower?" I was raised to think that I was a selfish lazy kid. I wasn't, actually. But I was told I was over and over and I guess I still believe it deep inside of me.

 

[Muted]

Hi. Oh yes family here is very supportive. I ask for permission because of the distorted guilt insi...

That's wonderful that they're supportive. I can understand why it might feel better to reword it though so you're still being considerate, but not needing their permission.

On some things I feel like I have to ask permission too. I will say, do you mind if I.... But that's usually if it's going to require him to be on sole duty with the kids like if I'm going to be out of the house.

 

[ladee]

@Gia1019 , that sounds more like consideration than permission. Good for you.

 

[bring em all in]

I relate to this as well. In addition, I have so low self-esteem that it doesn't feel like my body is worth taking care of. Why wash my face when it is so ugly anyway? This is indeed a distortion- one I recognize with my mind but cannot change in my heart.

I wish I had advice for you...

 

[LLMertens]

Ouch. Guilt and low self esteem go together I think. I sometimes accidentally look in the mirror and inevitably find myself uttering something like "God I look awful" out loud. Recently I have been trying to knock that crap off. That s$!7 needs to stop.

Have compassion for yourself and nurture the beauty.

 

[OneBloodyMoment]

I wish I had some wisdom to share, unfortunately I can only say that yes, I have this problem as well. I also find it very uncomfortable.

Your post jumped out at me because this Guilt you're talking about is precisely why I found myself on this forum tonight. I feel like I'm drowning in the needs/desires of others. The self-care I'm desperate for is mainly emotional; some time on my own, without having other people's wants nagging at me or about to interrupt . I have grown children who live with me who I feel I must always be prepared to pay attention to (self-imposed guilt) and an S.O. who makes me feel guilty if I don't have hours to chat with her every night.

As you have recognised, you DO deserve to care for yourself. When you go to take the time to do the things you need, keep reminding yourself that this is the truth and the guilt is a distortion. I truly wish you success in feeling this inside and driving away the guilt.

 

[Fadeaway]

I think this is something that women tend to feel more than men. Even though times have changed, we still pick up on the attitudes and beliefs that women are supposed to put everyone else first and themselves last.