Had A Therapy Session...feeling Like I Was Doing Better Before.

[Dana1010]

@Chava, I meditate everyday, and yes, it's always accompanied by convulsions. The more relaxed and mindful I get, the more violent the convulsions. The thing is I always feel better after I convulse for a little bit, so that makes me think if I could just find a way to get it all out, it would stop completely. I just don't know how to do that. The store of trauma/tension/whatever it is seems to recharge with each new day of stress, so there's always something there to shake out.

As for muscle relaxers, I have it under control--I mean I can stop it if I want to and I don't do it in public (first of all, I'm never relaxed enough around other people). So it's not disruptive enough to require meds. It just sucks that I do it and feel better and then whatever's causing it keeps recharging. Why can't I just shake it all out?

But personally, it never did do squat for me.

I don't even really understand what CBT is very well. Is that when you say something and they fight with you until you shut up and pretend to change your mind about it?

 

[Chava]

always feel better after I convulse for a little bit, so that makes me think if I could just find a way to get it all out, it would stop completely

Maybe getting it all out at once wouldn't even be safe. I think there is the assumption with some SE thinking that it will work that way, and maybe it does for recent one-time traumatic events, like you were in a car crash a couple months ago and have been jittery and on edge since then. But I know my therapist helps me manage by making sure everything is in slow and small amounts. It's more about reregulating in manageable pieces. So what you're doing might be fine. Are you able to relax somewhat with mindful or meditative movement, such as yoga or t'ai chi? That might be a way of finding a more middle way between tension and relaxing that leads to convulsions....like a way to "be" more in-between in a moving but mindful state. ??

It just sucks that I do it and feel better and then whatever's causing it keeps recharging. Why can't I just shake it all out?

Likely deeper patterns or wiring...sort of related to above. When I saw videos of people just shaking out their trauma and being done with it I was kind of skeptical, thank god, because it hasn't worked like that for me. But over time, the charge does seem to lessen. There is just a lot in there for me. I also have to accompany it with life changes that support a different level of regulation and it sounds like you're working on that on your own too, with meditation. Anyway, I wouldn't be surprised if even a very good talk therapist wanted to send this sort of thing to neurology. If it's out of their scope, they feel a responsibility to have some other doc check it out. If it is not completely out of your control (like a tremor or seizure), but you notice it related to relaxing and very specific circumstances, maybe there are safe ways to work more with that, without worrying about getting it all out and done.

 

[Ronin]

But it's not just her appearance, it's her whole demeanor and the way she speaks--she's too "professional." I need authenticity

You can think of it this way: They are authentic. They're putting a lot of themselves into self care, and care for their surroundings.

They're doing it FOR their clients, also. It isn't a lack of authenticity.

As to CBT: More like getting you to evaluade why you think, feel, and behave certain way, and what influences your life that you may not be aware of, that's within your power to change. Because people can change how they perceive, on their own, to their benefit.

 

[Dana1010]

Are you able to relax somewhat with mindful or meditative movement, such as yoga or t'ai chi? That might be a way of finding a more middle way between tension and relaxing that leads to convulsions....like a way to "be" more in-between in a moving but mindful state. ??

I've been thinking about this actually--like why can't I be as stable and peaceful when I'm active as I am when I'm meditating? As soon as I get up and start moving around the house, the thoughts come back, the fear, the memories, feeling rejected by the very earth underneath me. I've never done t'ai chi. Have you practiced it yourself?

 

[Chava]

I've done some t'ai chi, but mostly just a slow walk is helpful to me for this sort of centering and quieting mental chatter.

As soon as I get up and start moving around the house, the thoughts come back, the fear, the memories, feeling rejected by the very earth underneath me.

As an alternative, you could find a meditation teacher, develop some rapport, and ask about this...because most of this is common for anyone who tries to work at clearing and stilling the mind. The last part sounds more shame or emotional flashback-related. But all of this could be potentially addressed with a talk therapist if you find one you feel you can work with. And look up forms of mindful movement, martial arts, yoga, etc. So many different forms, a lot to try and pick and choose what might help...

 

[Justmehere]

Whether or not you should do therapy seems like a different question than if this therapist is the right one for you or not. It's also a different thing to ask if CBT and a psychoanalyst are the right fit for what you need right now.

Initial sessions are all about seeing if you and the therapist click. She doesn't sound like a great fit for you right now. That doesn't medication mean that you shouldn't do therapy at all, and CBT may or may not fit for you.

I have done trauma focused CBT (tf-CBT) intermingled with other trauma therapies. It can help, but is usually most effective when combined with other trauma work.

Psychoanalysis alone for trauma is actually known for just making things worse.

My own therapist, who happens to be an SE therapist, has a very cooperate styled office, and dresses very business like. She also has tattoos on every limb that stick out through the clothes, and has hair that is dyed two colors in a way that looks like she could be working to fit in with urban homeless teenagers.

It is a strange contradiction, and I mentioned that I feel a little intimated by her fancy dress and fancy office. She actually told me she feels a little intimated by her office too (she rents it out from someone else) and dresses in jeans at her other clinic the rest of the week. (All the therapists at this trauma group only do trauma work for a limited number of hours a week in order to reduce burnout and vicarious traumatization.) She told me that she also dresses fancy because she is trying to come across as worth trusting to some of her clients who are lawyers and other professionals and the like. She said she felt awkward at times too, and told me some funny stories about it.

Her honest and humble response to my insecurity sort of made me momentarily fall in love with her. She was just so human. Now we both giggle about dressing up to fit in the business worlds we happen to have offices in. (I write grants for a non-profit and I often dress up to meet with my employers so that I fit in, and it's a weird thing, because I'm such a jeans and bike into work girl.)

Have you considered doing any initial consults with anyone else? Some will even meet for 20 minutes for free or things like that to see if you and the therapist click well.

 

[Dana1010]

Whether or not you should do therapy seems like a different question than if this therapist is the right one for you or not.

Oh, you picked up on that? Thanks for hijacking my thread, everyone! Just kidding.

I cancelled our second appointment yesterday--I just couldn't get over the lack of connection and my discomfort with her corporate attitude, and I kept feeling less and less like seeing her again. So I cancelled. I put in my request to see someone else. This is a place that chooses your therapist for you based on your intake sheet. My insurance right now is crap, and this is just how it works. I want to get my old insurance back, but I don't think I can. I'm missing my therapist from last year despite her flaws. I didn't know how good I had it with her. There's so many crap ones out there.

As for whether it's right for me to be in therapy or not, that's still my main question.

 

[Justmehere]

Oh, you picked up on that? Thanks for hijacking my thread, everyone! Just kidding.

Hehe... yeah, just call me captain obvious! ;) :D

 

[Knak]

Why? Have you noticed patterns of specific behaviors? I just feel awkward taking my mask off around som...

How can you trust anything from a person who is not willing to be real?
It is worth it to keep progressing. Try watching SPARTANLIFECOACH on YouTube. He has information that is life transforming.

 

[Knak]

I have had lifelong experiences with therapists, but I can count on one hand how many were actu...

Same here. Only one therapist helped who does EMDR, and one psychiatrist, who left private practice to head a hospital mental health ward.
I have a friend who went into the field and now I can't bear to be around her and her friends as they excitedly talk about what they don't know (my opinion). She never cared to hear what helped me. It was an ego thing for her. They appear to need to feel they have something over others.
I went into the field but couldn't go through with it because I couldn't charge a person money who was desperate for emotional relief and probably has a harder time making a living than others. The most help I got over years came from friends.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Same here. Only one therapist helped who does EMDR, and one psychiatrist, who left private practice to head...

The best therapists are the ones who have actually had a similar affliction, or have someone very close to them that does. EMDR is all that really worked for me also.

 

[Dana1010]

EMDR is all that really worked for me also.

Could I ask you what it is about EMDR that places it above other modalities in your opinion?