Relationship Had My Own Little Breakthrough Today

[HorribleCoffee]

It makes everything sooo hard.

When they broke up with me, they said they wanted space, but they broke up with me partly because they thought I didn’t like them.

And it left a ton of scope for overthinking, because it was like… if I don’t give them space, I’m going against what they want. But if I do give them space,it might play into the idea that I don’t want them - which is what got us to that point in the first place, and it wasn’t even how I felt!

Then everything that follows from that catch 22 makes everything feel more and more tangled.

Clearly - when you’re not in the emotion of it all - it’s easy to see how you behave so that everything stays boundaried and clear, but it doesn’t take too many steps into the forest before you lose a sense of orientation…

I don’t want to disrespect anyone struggling with the same things they struggle with (far from it), but boy that specific situation was hard… it’s a lot to ask of someone to get that sort of situation ‘right’, and I’m not even certain if it’s possible to get it right anyway…

Them: "We're done. I can't do this anymore."
One hour later: "Why are you not at my door begging for me back?"

This was my experience.

It's a total mindf*ck. And thus you feeling confused in that situation is not unsurprising.

 

[Anon1]

Them: "We're done. I can't do this anymore."
One hour later: "Why are you not at my door begging for me back?"

This was my experience.

It's a total mindf*ck. And thus you feeling confused in that situation is not unsurprising.

Again - EXACTLY my experience the first time (they broke up with me once, then again about two weeks later).

The first time they asked for space, I gave it to them and they couldn’t believe I was doing that!.
They messaged me every day and I replied.
Then they told me they felt that it was always them reaching out to me, and if that didnt change they’d ’shut down’ on me (their words).

Well… a week later they were ignoring me and they broke up with me again (three times in about two/three weeks)!

And y’know what? That week they’d threatened to shut down - the week after our break up - I later found out they’d been on two other dates with two separate people. That same week that they were chasing after me.

And yet - in the end - it was me trying to win THEIR trust back, for not moving city on their timescale (because of work), and for not giving them space straight away after the third breakup (two days where I tried to get them back).

After that third breakup they kept telling me they needed to ‘set boundaries’ with me, and that’s why they wouldn’t talk to me. Like I’d been abusing them or something (I hadn’t, and if anything I handled them over-carefully because of all they’d been through - I wanted to love them, and I would have stayed if they’d made it okay to) It felt horrible, and more like a punishment than a boundary.

They said to me a few months later ‘I’m glad I can trust you again’ as though I did something terrible. And I really thought I had!

I really sympathise with their condition, and I need to ask why I was codependent with them. I need to really take my eyes off of them and focus on me now, but a little moment to vent and share experiences is certainly cathartic.

I’ve just re-realised how crazy some of that situation was… I’m still absolutely shattered from it, a few months on - and my feelings for them are only just subsiding, Last week, I felt peaceful for the first time in a year - i‘d forgotten what it was like…!!

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

I had in mind that it was probably the biggest “no no” to go against a PTSD
”Give me space!” I wanted to honour that, but it was super hard for two days before I pulled myself together a bit.

:-)

they kept telling me they needed to ‘set boundaries’ with me, and that’s why they wouldn’t talk to me. Like I’d been abusing them or something (I hadn’t, and if anything I handled them over-carefully because of all they’d been through - I wanted to love them, and I would have stayed if they’d made it okay to) It felt horrible, and more like a punishment than a boundary.

Agree.We possibly were in a relationship with identical twins. Word- for -word so true. OR they are seeing the same Psych.

(It felt like a slap in the face ,MORE like - "I have to look after me and set these boundaries for me , cant meet, cant call- oh and you don't matter anymore and have no value- tossable.") The boundary conversation was brought up all too often from that side- after every psych appointment.

How does his conversation switch from " couple" "commitment" to boundary , no contact, M.I.A, silent treatment?

 

[Anon1]

:-)


Agree.We possibly were in a relationship with identical twins. Word- for -word so true. OR they are seeing the same Psych.

(It felt like a slap in the face ,MORE like - "I have to look after me and set these boundaries for me , cant meet, cant call- oh and you don't matter anymore and have no value- tossable.") The boundary conversation was brought up all too often from that side- after every psych appointment.

How does his conversation switch from " couple" "commitment" to boundary , no contact, M.I.A, silent treatment?

I totally get it, but boundaries aren't best when it's "my way or the highway and I'll call that a boundary so it sounds better".

You can do that of course, but I feel like they're ideally meant to be mutually discussed, explored and somewhat negotiated.

Not always, but if they're just used to steamroll a relationship... I'm not sure that's a responsible usage of them.

Ahh I don't know.

It's getting better for me, but I'm still working through it.

I went on a date today and felt uncharacteristically anxious. I don't think I came off as my best self, and I feel like... I dunno... I'm still 'on edge' or something. I can't very easily explain it!

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

I totally get it, but boundaries aren't best when it's "my way or the highway and I'll call that a boundary so it sounds better".

Agreeeeeee.
It feels more like being stone-walled.

Possibilities are endless.....lets see:
Silent treatment disguised as a boundary.
Stonewalling disguised as "space".
Ghosting and discard packaged as space AND a boundary( "call it a boundary so it sounds better")
A dump and run painted as not the right timing and space.
'No contact'( for no legal or reasonable reason) termed as space.

Regardless of the " packaging" used to deliver the method -yes it is hurtful to the recipient.

How does one differentiate between the silent treatment, discard ,stone walling, ghosting( which are all identified in some areas of study as passive-aggressive) and the ever so easily thrown about phrase " I need space".
How does one pardon one and not the other ?

You can do that of course, but I feel like they're ideally meant to be mutually discussed, explored and somewhat negotiated.

True- Everything that is mutually discussed, negotiated and explored brings clarity, understanding and peace.
Its a healthier attitude and more grown up too.

they're just used to steamroll a relationship... I'm not sure that's a responsible usage of them.

100%

went on a date today and felt uncharacteristically anxious

Great ! Hope you hear back from them.

Mmmmmmm-Too much pressure on yourself?

 

[Anon1]

Agreeeeeee.
It feels more like being stone-walled.

Possibilities are endless.....lets see:
Silent treatment disguised as a boundary.
Stonewalling disguised as "space".
Ghosting and discard packaged as space AND a boundary( "call it a boundary so it sounds better")
A dump and run painted as not the right timing and space.
'No contact'( for no legal or reasonable reason) termed as space.

Regardless of the " packaging" used to deliver the method -yes it is hurtful to the recipient.

How does one differentiate between the silent treatment, discard ,stone walling, ghosting( which are all identified in some areas of study as passive-aggressive) and the ever so easily thrown about phrase " I need space".
How does one pardon one and not the other ?

Yeah, totally get it!

I don't know the answer, but I think it must lie partly in staying in touch with what people want and need - and not just subjectively, but objectively.

In my situation, I wasn't able to move when the other person wanted me to.
They then 'set a boundary' which meant "I'm not going to talk to you at all now, and you have no say in it - and the whole thing is completely over."

Technically, anyone can do that at any time and there's no problem, it's just that... a lot of people would possibly instinctively understand principles like 'fair play' and 'benefit of the doubt', which don't only run on technicality. There's an art to relationships, in that way.
They're not a science, where 'technically I'm allowed to do this' wins out over all else.

And actually, in that case, breaking up with me just because I couldn't move literally my whole life five hundred miles away just because they wanted it there and then, felt a lot like bullying and abuse: "I'll take my love and connection and approval away because you've not done something on my timescale, even though it's a huge sacrifice for you."

But it's hard, because they have a genuine, legitimate condition which makes life very hard; and in that sense... for them, setting a boundary equates directly to self-care, which is absolutely essential for them.

And that's where things can start to become subtly wonky, because one person is operating from "what most reasonable people would do, most of the time - and especially if they really cared about me", and the other is operating from "Dammit, this is absolutely catastrophically urgent and I just need to protect myself." - It's a conflict of interest. And the two points of view are so foreign, but so instinctive, that it's very hard to think outside of them in any real way (and why should anyone do that, anyway, if it's not coming naturally at that moment)?

And I guess after a time, you have to feel how much it hurts, grieve it, try to forgive it, and then ask "Is there any realistic way that we can genuinely fill each other's needs here?" And if the answer is no, well... it's not the right thing, is it?

Seen like that, the "What's reasonable and what's not reasonable?" question becomes less external ('What does some outside agent say is reasonable?') and more internal ('What can I give, and what can I receive, and can that happen here or not?')

In my situation, I also thought that they were technically fine behaving as they did (because relationships aren't prisons, and a person can leave at any time), but a voice in my gut kind of said "Yeah but even so... there's something really not right about this..." And I think - if I could go back - I'd listen to that voice in my gut more, and less to the rationalisation that: "Yeah well, technically they ARE allowed...", because again... relationships aren't built on technicality, they're built on love and care... and my values matter too. I ought not to 'rationalise' myself out of even just HEARING myself... y'know?

 

[Anon1]

Great ! Hope you hear back from them.

Mmmmmmm-Too much pressure on yourself?

Thank you! I did - they weren't into it just now, which I understand - I was being a bit intense...!
I could feel myself shaking as we spoke. I can be pretty great socially, when I'm on top of things.
And I was doing okay... but... I just felt very anxious and found it hard to control it.

I think it probably was too much pressure yeah, and the fact that I've probably internalised the recent relationship far too much.

I've wanted to make sense of it all... I tend to think and feel very deeply, and it's possible for me to ruminate, introspect, and internalise everything indefinitely.

I think I need to start taking that rumination energy and start throwing it outwards again - focusing on all that life has to offer, rather than spending time getting really... overwhelmed by all of the thoughts and feelings associated with this recent situation. I've thought way too much about their abuse and trauma, I've thought way too much about too many deep things all in one hit. And that's not me knocking them, at all - I've just... it's really hit me, at times... how much they've been through, and how hard their circumstances are.

(And probably the labels that sound like "Ooh, they had a *complex trauma*, and I was *codependent*, and they behaved *abusively*, but I didn't have good *boundaries*. - Y'know, all the clinical-type speak. In the end, labels are a helpful shorthand, but they can really shape how you perceive a situation too. It's probably healthier for me to say "Yup, I tried that - it didn't work out. I'm not a terrible victim or this or that. They're struggling with something that's super, super hard; and I was a bit unwise at how deeply I got into it, probably.... ah well - dust myself off, and get back out there!")

I think I'd 'carry' it lighter, if I saw it that way.

Anyway, I've written too much - but those are my thoughts(!!!)

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

and less to the rationalisation that: "Yeah well, technically they ARE allowed...", because again... relationships aren't built on technicality, they're built on love and care... and my values matter too. I ought not to 'rationalise' myself out of even just HEARING myself... y'know?

You have really thought this out and I do hear the rationalising in your head - I do the same . You are 100% relationships are about love and care . They are never black and white ( that perspective is counterproductive)

In the end, labels are a helpful shorthand, but they can really shape how you perceive a situation too.

Profound !

I think I need to start taking that rumination energy and start throwing it outwards again - focusing on all that life has to offer, rather than spending time getting really... overwhelmed by all of the thoughts and feelings associated with this recent situation. I've thought way too much about their abuse and trauma, I've thought way too much about too many deep things all in one hit. And that's not me knocking them, at all - I've just... it's really hit me, at times...

Yes ! Life is short - don't know if you are 20's, 30's,40's or 50's but the wisdom and insight you have is profound.
Try to grab the beauty in simplicity just for a day and give yourself some credit.
Heartbreak is exactly that. HEART - BREAK.
Mending a broken heart is actually rocket science.
Communication and compromise isn't rocket science.
Life has knocked you around I have gathered. Go easy. How do you eat a pizza ? One slice at a time - Theres my great two cents worth-haha.
There is someone out there for you- to share your days and weeks with - with safety ,vulnerability mutuality, connection and understanding.
Perhaps if you are still in love with your ex - things might rekindle in good time.

the fact that I've probably internalised the recent relationship far too much.

If you don't mind and its not intrusive - how long was the relationship and when did it end? No pressure to answer.

In my situation, I wasn't able to move when the other person wanted me to.
They then 'set a boundary' which meant "I'm not going to talk to you at all now, and you have no say in it - and the whole thing is completely over."

That is SAD and HARSH.
If its any comfort I know of someone who moved across the globe for their partner - two decades later it was all over leaving the one who" made the sacrifice at the greatest loss in every aspect of life.

There's an art to relationships, in that way.
They're not a science, where 'technically I'm allowed to do this' wins out over all else.

100%

But it's hard, because they have a genuine, legitimate condition which makes life very hard; and in that sense... for them, setting a boundary equates directly to self-care, which is absolutely essential for them.

This is true.

 

[Anon1]

If you don't mind and its not intrusive - how long was the relationship and when did it end? No pressure to answer.

Thank you for all of your encouragement - it's really appreciated!

We knew each other for six months prior, then it lasted six months, and it's been over for around five months (with a little ongoing contact which has now stopped).

But it was an inteeeense, wild six months!

 

[Brumbyinthesunshine]

Thank you for all of your encouragement - it's really appreciated!

We knew each other for six months prior, then it lasted six months, and it's been over for around five months (with a little ongoing contact which has now stopped).

But it was an inteeeense, wild six months!

So you perhaps built deep connections and deep bonds to a degree, classified as a couple and not a " causal passing phase".

Given that you've known each other a year and it was intense- I.M.O it was a bit harsh for your loved one to go M.I.A ( its just what I term it) Perhaps it is "space" perhaps its not. Reality is- for the moments of distance created BY THEM( if you brought no intentional harm to this person) you are owed an explanation and respect.

I care for them, I still feel strongly for them, and I’m still hurting.

Its good you feel strongly and care - it shows your capacity to LOVE FULLY AND UNCONDITIONALLY.
Sorry to hear- yes the grief and hurt is -if I may say , a killer.What would you DO if the person reached out?

It makes everything sooo hard.

When they broke up with me, they said they wanted space, but they broke up with me partly because they thought I didn’t like them.

Assumption (on their part) is a dangerous thing. Perhaps if that one, single thought(in their head) in that single moment in and entire lifetime - sadly changed the course of events for you two.

There is a movie rom-com - two people meet purely by chance - one on their way to a wedding - the other on their way to a funeral. In a foreign country. "Love at...... something", Sorry cant recall the name . She is American and he is English .
It depicts beautifully how our assumptions , and outside circumstances co-exist. Call it fate. Call it chance.

Some relationships are just meant to be ( its the overthinking, the running away, the lack of compromise and communication and the constant need for"space" that ruin things)

Thinking with the head too much - stuffs things up.we forget to follow our hearts and intuition.

 

[Anon1]

Its good you feel strongly and care - it shows your capacity to LOVE FULLY AND UNCONDITIONALLY.
Sorry to hear- yes the grief and hurt is -if I may say , a killer.What would you DO if the person reached out?

Weeell, they have a few times and I’ve wanted to make space for them because of all that they’ve been through (and I still care about them). Plus, why not? I like them, soo…

but they always disappear again - and usually on their terms, not mine (they’ll ask their questions, get their answers, not answer my questions and then be gone again).

If they reach out, I will - for the moment - be here to say “hi”, but I wouldn’t go back to them now, barring a miracle.

It’s taken so much out of me, and that’s partly my codependency too - it isn’t just them.

At the same time, they didn’t treat me well either, and I just have no desire to get back into it, y’know?
I’m tired!

 

[Friday]

At the same time, they didn’t treat me well either, and I just have no desire to get back into it, y’know?
I’m tired!

As you have every right to be.

I have friends who are so busy with their lives that their best & truest friends? They only connect with once every few years. And friends who are gutted/shattered if they don’t receive a response in moments, much less minutes, and forget about days/weeks/months/years. Both? Are EQUALLY valid need/wants in a relationship.

If yours & theirs misalign? That doesn’t make either of you a bad person. Or invalid in what you need or want in those closest to you.