General Handling Vulnerable moments?

[EmpoweredGirl]

Yesterday was a special day for my significant other who is a combat vet with ptsd so I took him somewhere special. Later we went to bed and at about 4am I heard a strange noise so I rolled over. I realized he was crying but trying to muffle it. I didn’t know how to react he barely shows emotions and he’s never cried near me. I decided to hold him close to me until he got up to leave and start his day. I didn’t say anything because hell what do you say? Sometimes I’d rather say nothing than to say the wrong thing. He’s been through so much I try to make our home peaceful.

I know that he’s human but the walls that he puts up at times can cause me to forget. Supporters How do you handle those rare vulnerable moments with your sufferer? Also Sufferers are there any DO NOTs that you can share with us supporters that may cause you to retreat when you choose to be vulnerable with us?

 

[OrangeJulius]

Supporters How do you handle those rare vulnerable moments with your sufferer?

Me: *physical touch if allowed* Do you want to talk about it?
Him: No
Me: If you change your mind, I'm here anytime. *more physical touch if allowed*
Him: *may or may not say anything, anything said isn't much*

 

[joeylittle]

Sufferers are there any DO NOTs that you can share with us supporters that may cause you to retreat when you choose to be vulnerable with us?

I don't think this is going to be useful information. The truth is - every relationship is different. And, sufferers don't have identical symptom profiles. You also have to add in where that sufferer is, in terms of both their recovery timeline AND their relational skills and deficits, separate from their PTSD symptom-set.

Instead of thinking in terms of "what should I avoid?" - I'd encourage you to think about "what skills can I employ?". The former, you can't really know without getting your sufferer's direct input. The latter, you can build on, add, take away - you'll be more empowered (like your user name :) )

Supporters How do you handle those rare vulnerable moments with your sufferer?

This, I think, is an excellent question.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Also Sufferers are there any DO NOTs that you can share with us supporters that may cause you to retreat when you choose to be vulnerable with us?

Don't push maybe. I mean, I dunno. Everyone is so different but for me, touch is BAD when vunlernable. I will push you away so hard and possibly even retreat into isolation just because you touched me when vulnerable. It's like a reaction of touching fire. You can't help the pull back reaction you have. It's like that. But everyone is so very different with this that it's hard to give advise. I'd say ask first. Do you want to talk about it? Is it ok if I hug/cuddle with you? That kind of thing. And be prepared and ok with no. Don't take any of it personal. It has zero to do with you and everything to do with our pasts. That's I guess the hard do not. Do not take any of it personal.

ETA: Sorry, my bad. Cross posted with @joeylittle but totally agree.

 

[LuckiLee]

You did what I would have done. If we were in bed? I would just place my hand on his back/ chest. If we were awake and it was because of something he needed to share? I'd sit quietly and listen.

We have been together 7 years. There's no hiding it anymore. I've seen it aaallll. I gotta say J is a rare breed because he shares so much with me. He's a talker. ?

He's sad today so I'm doing my own thing and he's watching some documentary and snoozing in his chair. He sleeps when he's depressed. (Avoidance 101) He'll eventually tell me what's up.

In my experiences the best thing to do is just listen.

Edit. After reading @lostforgottensoul's post, the trauma history needs to be taken into account. I would think the last thing a csa, rape etc. survivor would want is to be held or touched. My combat veteran accepts my touch when he's vulnerable.

 

[Friday]

Supporters How do you handle those rare vulnerable moments with your sufferer?

I trust my instincts. Runs the whole damn range of possible responses. From Sex! Now! :sneaky: to just leaning on them in silent strength offering mine to them, to the kind of talking where the words don’t matter it’s just the tone and rhythm, to where words do matter and matter deeply, to teasing them, being silly, being matter of fact, being distracting, to keeping it light, or disengaging, to picking a fight, or even deliberately provoking an explosion of temper.

It’s less about what’s right for them, in that moment, and more about what’s right for me in it. I can’t predict their response, although I can react to it if I choose to, but I can do what feels right. What feels right? Varies. A whole helluva lot. Depending on the circumstances.

Also Sufferers are there any DO NOTs that you can share with us supporters that may cause you to retreat when you choose to be vulnerable with us?

Nope. Because how I respond to someone has just as many variables. What someone else does that’s right/best for ME in that moment? Could be the worst/wrong thing in the next moment. And that’s just me. My own reactions & personal spectrum. There will be some overlap with other sufferers, and there will be just as much that is polar opposite. Venn Diagram style. I’m fairly certain the only commonality between ALL of us in what not to do? Will be the teensy tiny point in the middle that includes things like dousing us with gasoline and setting us on fire ;) Or similar. The rest is going to be very individual.

 

[Deanna]

I am a sufferer and supporter. When my guy cries, I know his anxiety is real high. He has a prescription for anxiety ( when its real high like that) and he will take a half of pill.

 

[Tinyflame]

I would say trust your instincts.
Ask them if unsure.

 

[LuckiLee]

I learned (by trial and a whole lotta errors) the more I tried to "help" the worse I made things.

I follow his lead...

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk @LuckiLee , I think you and the OP really sound very intuitive, really good choices to respond with, I'd say.

 

[LuckiLee]

Thanks @Tinyflame. That made me laugh because some days I have no clue what I'm doing! Or some days I know what I should do but I gotta do me too. Ya know?

When he's symptomatic???

Silence is golden. ❤

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes! @LuckiLee :) . But there's a sweet, calm silence, and then there's an angry one (not you).

That reminds me of Dr. Suess- ~No one does you better than you! :laugh: :)