Has Anyone Conquered Dissociation In Therapy?

[barefoot]

Thanks @VioletButterfly - I appreciate your words.

"It takes as long as it takes." I know that must sound silly,

Doesn't sound silly at all. It's a useful reminder. My therapist has always said we can't rush, we can't force things, we can't smash things open with a sledgehammer. And she said "it takes as long as it takes" plenty of times. And I would kind of eye roll and feel impatient... :-) So, yes, I think she is careful and cautious and wants to take good care of me and not be irresponsible.

I also wanted to thank you for starting and continuing this thread as it has helped me to gain some clarity with regard to my situation.

Glad that it has been helpful :-)

have you thought about why you are in such a hurry? What your motivation is?

There is some uncertainty around how long we can keep working together. My ex-employer has paid for me to see her for the past 2.5 years and those paid-for sessions run out in January. I can't afford her fees. She has said we will work something out, which feels reassuring on a surface level but, until we have actually agreed what that looks like and I know I can do it and can afford it, I'm very aware that I have a big stress around "running out of time." I also feel that 2.5 years of working feels like a long time and that I should have been able to make more progress on this front. Honest answer is that my main motivation is probably panic! I think the urgency around making progress faster comes from a huge fear of us running out of time together - either because of money or because she will decide she can't help me make more progress so decides to call it a day with me. So it's an urgency fuelled my fear, panic and high anxiety, I think. Hmm...

I met a fellow traveler along the way who once told me that your mind will tell you what it wants you to know when it is ready.

Yes, my therapist always said this too. I think my big fear at the moment is that she always said stuff like this in a "we can't rush...we must tread carefully and be patient and keep chipping away and when you're ready, you're ready" kind of way. But that's not what she's saying now. Now, she's saying I have to accept the no and we can't do that work. No talk of chipping away, going slowly, we'll get there someday anymore... Just a blanket no. And that makes me panic even more because it feels like she has given up on me :-(

 

[barefoot]

the uncertainty around your work with her, fees, her commitment to the work will absolutely feed any defences you have

Yes, I think I am even more panicked about this whole uncertainty than I thought...I feel very insecure, which is feeding into more general anxiety/depression. I think it is impacting our relationship in sessions...I can't seem to get a proper connection with her at the moment - I think I am shutting down a lot when I'm with her and then we just end up in disagreements about where we should focus our work - and that loss of connection/relationship makes me panic even more.

The more I think about it, the more I realise what a total state of panic I am in at the moment. About a few things, but especially about therapy.

Feel like I'm totally losing my shit at the moment, to be honest!

Working on day to day stability and symptom reduction will help you with daily life and may ease your defences a bit

Yes, I can see that...And I totally get your castle metaphor. My therapist has said all along that I need to be more self-compassionate. So I can see how things she has repeatedly said to me fit in with your metaphor. I don't really know how to do self-compassion :-(

 

[Suzetig]

I'm not great at it either. So I start with self care, which means routine, relaxation and not giving myself a hard time for things. Build in to your day things that comfort you and reassure you, take time for yourself and treat yourself like a small child. By that I mean when you're feeling anxious or scared or upset, try to talk to yourself like you would a little person, so lots of reassurance and coaxing and less "oh for goodness sake get your shit together". Basically if you wouldn't say it to someone else, don't say it to yourself.

 

[maurybrooks]

My therapist is back to saying I have too much resistance around trauma to be able to do the deeper work required to heal

How deep you go during a session is up to you. If you are choosing to go deep I am sure T will support you. It could be that T is having a hard time guiding you to go deep so is accepting surface as the reality. Focus on the movement of your breath through your body and let it guide you. It might guide you deeper. Also acknowledge all your fears along the journey, they are what keep you shallow or stuck.