-
We are a multilingual website again. Read the notice about this.
-
Understand AI use at MyPTSD: all AI use is explained in our AI help page. AI use is by choice here. It exists if you want it, but does nothing unless you choose to use it.
Has Anyone Conquered Dissociation In Therapy?
- Post starter barefoot
- Start date
- Status
- Post starter
- #50
barefoot
Diamond Member
Yes, I'd like to share - was too exhausted to write an update yesterday!
The session went really well. First and foremost, I got the reassurances I needed that my therapist does still want to find a way for us to continue working together after my pre-paid for sessions run out in a few weeks time. I don't know what exactly that will look like as we haven't got into talking specifics around money yet but I now feel certain that we will sort something out. And that feels like a massive relief! She also said she hadn't meant we can never do direct trauma work again - but that we had to tread very carefully and the work had to be in service to me and she didn't think our most recent forays had been in service to me.
I went in armed with three brainstorms about aspects of therapy:
1) What gets in the way (e.g. Dissociation, voice getting hijacked, avoidance, trust, shame)
2) Things that help (e.g. Specific grounding techniques/tools that we know are effective for me, writing, certain things that therapist says that help to bring me back)
3) Doing things differently (i.e. Things that we can try - either totally new things or things that worked in the past that have fallen off the radar recently e.g. Taking my box of grounding items with me every week (and actually using them!), using writing more in session, her explaining the theory of some concepts I find challenging such as inner child)
We had really good, open, detailed conversations around each brainstorm - me telling her things I wanted her to know or asking questions or explaining my experience with these things more and her asking me questions, explaining things I'd asked about, offering me insights/interpretations etc.
And it felt like we both put our cards on the table about our experience of our therapeutic relationship and where we are with things. Of course, the focus was on me but she also raised things about her experience of working with me, which I appreciated and which were interesting and helpful. It felt like a very open, equal partnership conversation, which felt really good and which has, I think, strengthened our already strong relationship.
We got through loads in 90 mins and I feel like we made a lot of headway and opened up a lot of stuff. In particular, we had interesting conversations around shame (which we both agreed underpinned all the defence mechanisms on the "What gets in the way?" sheet), how it is my inner child that gets triggered when I have a full-on severely dissociated episode in session and about the whole thing around me thinking I needed to find a way to be more honest with her (she said she thinks I am honest and that the challenge isn't about honesty/dishonesty but in me trying to trust her enough to be visible and really allow her to see me - she said the fact that I turn up every week and try to do that is, in itself, honest.)
We don't have a plan of exactly how we're going to move forwards with all this e.g. If/how we will do inner child work, if/how we will work on shame, how exactly we will use writing more in sessions...But there was only so much we could fit into 90 mins and I achieved what I wanted to in that I put it all out there and we had a great discussion around it. We will pick it up next week, though I'm not sure I'm really looking for a rigid plan of action anyway.
I think we both ended up feeling clearer and re-energised, which is great. I emailed her after the session to sort out a logistical thing about our next appointment time but I also thanked her for a great session and said that I'd found it really useful and that I felt very relieved. She replied saying that she really felt like we achieved a lot. So, it really feels like we are both on the same page and keen to keep moving forwards.
Other things I took away from the session, which surprised me:
I sat on the floor to talk her through the brainstorms, which I'd spread out on the floor. I much preferred sitting on the floor and having big sheets of paper to use almost as a prop really helped too. Both things seemed to really reduce the intensity of the session - something about not being so directly in each other's eye line, I think. So we have agreed to both try sitting on the floor together next time!
I felt very present in the session. And that has made me realise how not fully present I am in there usually. I think I've thought that, if I'm not severely dissociating and completely gone, I'm fully present. And now I don't think that's the case!
So, I feel in a very good place. Reassured about us finding a way to continue to work together, optimistic about what we can still achieve together, hopeful that we've come up with a few things to try that might help me in sessions. It does make me realise that there is so much stuff and in 2.5 years we have barely scratched the surface, which feels a little overwhelming. But for now, at least, I'm feeling very positive about our relationship and how we can move things on together.
Thanks again everyone, for all your input in this thread! Right now, I feel happy and relieved and exhausted!
The session went really well. First and foremost, I got the reassurances I needed that my therapist does still want to find a way for us to continue working together after my pre-paid for sessions run out in a few weeks time. I don't know what exactly that will look like as we haven't got into talking specifics around money yet but I now feel certain that we will sort something out. And that feels like a massive relief! She also said she hadn't meant we can never do direct trauma work again - but that we had to tread very carefully and the work had to be in service to me and she didn't think our most recent forays had been in service to me.
I went in armed with three brainstorms about aspects of therapy:
1) What gets in the way (e.g. Dissociation, voice getting hijacked, avoidance, trust, shame)
2) Things that help (e.g. Specific grounding techniques/tools that we know are effective for me, writing, certain things that therapist says that help to bring me back)
3) Doing things differently (i.e. Things that we can try - either totally new things or things that worked in the past that have fallen off the radar recently e.g. Taking my box of grounding items with me every week (and actually using them!), using writing more in session, her explaining the theory of some concepts I find challenging such as inner child)
We had really good, open, detailed conversations around each brainstorm - me telling her things I wanted her to know or asking questions or explaining my experience with these things more and her asking me questions, explaining things I'd asked about, offering me insights/interpretations etc.
And it felt like we both put our cards on the table about our experience of our therapeutic relationship and where we are with things. Of course, the focus was on me but she also raised things about her experience of working with me, which I appreciated and which were interesting and helpful. It felt like a very open, equal partnership conversation, which felt really good and which has, I think, strengthened our already strong relationship.
We got through loads in 90 mins and I feel like we made a lot of headway and opened up a lot of stuff. In particular, we had interesting conversations around shame (which we both agreed underpinned all the defence mechanisms on the "What gets in the way?" sheet), how it is my inner child that gets triggered when I have a full-on severely dissociated episode in session and about the whole thing around me thinking I needed to find a way to be more honest with her (she said she thinks I am honest and that the challenge isn't about honesty/dishonesty but in me trying to trust her enough to be visible and really allow her to see me - she said the fact that I turn up every week and try to do that is, in itself, honest.)
We don't have a plan of exactly how we're going to move forwards with all this e.g. If/how we will do inner child work, if/how we will work on shame, how exactly we will use writing more in sessions...But there was only so much we could fit into 90 mins and I achieved what I wanted to in that I put it all out there and we had a great discussion around it. We will pick it up next week, though I'm not sure I'm really looking for a rigid plan of action anyway.
I think we both ended up feeling clearer and re-energised, which is great. I emailed her after the session to sort out a logistical thing about our next appointment time but I also thanked her for a great session and said that I'd found it really useful and that I felt very relieved. She replied saying that she really felt like we achieved a lot. So, it really feels like we are both on the same page and keen to keep moving forwards.
Other things I took away from the session, which surprised me:
I sat on the floor to talk her through the brainstorms, which I'd spread out on the floor. I much preferred sitting on the floor and having big sheets of paper to use almost as a prop really helped too. Both things seemed to really reduce the intensity of the session - something about not being so directly in each other's eye line, I think. So we have agreed to both try sitting on the floor together next time!
I felt very present in the session. And that has made me realise how not fully present I am in there usually. I think I've thought that, if I'm not severely dissociating and completely gone, I'm fully present. And now I don't think that's the case!
So, I feel in a very good place. Reassured about us finding a way to continue to work together, optimistic about what we can still achieve together, hopeful that we've come up with a few things to try that might help me in sessions. It does make me realise that there is so much stuff and in 2.5 years we have barely scratched the surface, which feels a little overwhelming. But for now, at least, I'm feeling very positive about our relationship and how we can move things on together.
Thanks again everyone, for all your input in this thread! Right now, I feel happy and relieved and exhausted!
- Post starter
- #52
barefoot
Diamond Member
Thank you for your virtual claps, cheers and jumps, @Sandstone :-)
It's nice to post here to share something I feel good about for a change, instead of just leaping on here when I'm triggered, feel like I'm losing my mind and my anxiety is off the scale! ;-)
It does feel good to be in this place after a few very rocky therapy-related months. And because I was so beyond worried about it all last week. I don't think I'd fully realised until this week's session how I had become quite so entrenched in certain unhelpful cycles. Therapist had pointed to these a couple of times but I just hadn't got it. In particular, the new realisation about how I often I am "there but not fully there" has really given me food for thought. This week, it was like a fog lifted. So I (we) need to find a way to harness that somehow and to try to keep the fog at bay. I know the fog will be back - this week was a practical adult-adult conversation without plunging into the depths of difficult feelings and hurts. But the fog had kind of become an ever present thing in the therapy room, I'm realising now, even when we weren't doing trauma stuff. It's like I just got used to it being there and expected it to stay there. I do feel we both have things that we can take away from this week and use in the future.
I'm very aware that we have had review type sessions before and then things we agreed never really transpired. However, we have never done it quite like this and I don't think I have ever felt so determined and...empowered, really about it. I think I have always waited for her to raise things we'd agreed on and, when she didn't, I assumed she'd forgotten and that it wasn't important. Now I feel much more determined to try to drive things myself more esp if things we have agreed on suddenly fall off the radar. A strong intention. We'll see how that goes...!
Perhaps I needed the scare of believing I was going to lose therapy/her/the relationship to kick-start things again after 2.5 years of working together? I definitely feel a sense of renewed vigour around us and the work and think she does too.
It's nice to post here to share something I feel good about for a change, instead of just leaping on here when I'm triggered, feel like I'm losing my mind and my anxiety is off the scale! ;-)
It does feel good to be in this place after a few very rocky therapy-related months. And because I was so beyond worried about it all last week. I don't think I'd fully realised until this week's session how I had become quite so entrenched in certain unhelpful cycles. Therapist had pointed to these a couple of times but I just hadn't got it. In particular, the new realisation about how I often I am "there but not fully there" has really given me food for thought. This week, it was like a fog lifted. So I (we) need to find a way to harness that somehow and to try to keep the fog at bay. I know the fog will be back - this week was a practical adult-adult conversation without plunging into the depths of difficult feelings and hurts. But the fog had kind of become an ever present thing in the therapy room, I'm realising now, even when we weren't doing trauma stuff. It's like I just got used to it being there and expected it to stay there. I do feel we both have things that we can take away from this week and use in the future.
I'm very aware that we have had review type sessions before and then things we agreed never really transpired. However, we have never done it quite like this and I don't think I have ever felt so determined and...empowered, really about it. I think I have always waited for her to raise things we'd agreed on and, when she didn't, I assumed she'd forgotten and that it wasn't important. Now I feel much more determined to try to drive things myself more esp if things we have agreed on suddenly fall off the radar. A strong intention. We'll see how that goes...!
Perhaps I needed the scare of believing I was going to lose therapy/her/the relationship to kick-start things again after 2.5 years of working together? I definitely feel a sense of renewed vigour around us and the work and think she does too.
maurybrooks
Bronze Member
@barefoot Good going! Yeah!!!!!
While working with your long term T you can also try out various types of other alternative therapies to supplement your process. You will find that all T's and healers have different specialties and the spice of variety can offer you a more rounded approach to healing all aspects of trauma and life. I have been on a trauma and life healing journey since 1984 and am grateful for all the people whose work helped me go a little deeper. Many have been perfect for me some only so so. Follow your intuition when making decisions.
While working with your long term T you can also try out various types of other alternative therapies to supplement your process. You will find that all T's and healers have different specialties and the spice of variety can offer you a more rounded approach to healing all aspects of trauma and life. I have been on a trauma and life healing journey since 1984 and am grateful for all the people whose work helped me go a little deeper. Many have been perfect for me some only so so. Follow your intuition when making decisions.
OrganicRobot
Bronze Member
Glad to hear of the progress! Keep on going and best of luck!
Wow. Great thread. So much of the dissociative experiences mentioned here resonated deeply with me. It was very emotional to read and I kept finding myself in tears for all of us and this struggle. PTSD is hard enough to deal with and the dissociative responses make it sometimes feel as though healing or getting past this is an impossible and never ending battle. We are all so brave and I am so proud of all of you for working so hard and enduring so much.
That said... Barefoot - I'm glad your session went so well, thank you for posting this and opening a way for such a great discussion!
That said... Barefoot - I'm glad your session went so well, thank you for posting this and opening a way for such a great discussion!
- Post starter
- #56
barefoot
Diamond Member
Thanks @7Cs
Glad the thread has helped and, like you, I feel sad that so many of us have this struggle yet, at the same time, it is reassuring to hear others share their experiences, which resonate. Feels less isolating that way.
Unfortunately, my sessions didn't stay back on track for long. My therapist is back to saying I have too much resistance around trauma to be able to do the deeper work required to heal, so she just wants us to focus on more surface level here and now stuff instead. It feels like an epic failure on my part. And like I'm not really getting a say because she has decided. And we're just now going in circles about it.. I say I want to do it, she says I have to accept that I can't. I feel very deflated :-(
Glad the thread has helped and, like you, I feel sad that so many of us have this struggle yet, at the same time, it is reassuring to hear others share their experiences, which resonate. Feels less isolating that way.
Unfortunately, my sessions didn't stay back on track for long. My therapist is back to saying I have too much resistance around trauma to be able to do the deeper work required to heal, so she just wants us to focus on more surface level here and now stuff instead. It feels like an epic failure on my part. And like I'm not really getting a say because she has decided. And we're just now going in circles about it.. I say I want to do it, she says I have to accept that I can't. I feel very deflated :-(
Is she open to working towards change to lower that resistance? I'm realising more and more that work on stability is the single most important thing I can do.
It is positive that she wants to go on working with you. I know you were afraid she might end therapy. It sounded to me as if that fear was a huge barrier in itself, and might have increased the levels of dissociation.
It is positive that she wants to go on working with you. I know you were afraid she might end therapy. It sounded to me as if that fear was a huge barrier in itself, and might have increased the levels of dissociation.
VioletButterfly
Diamond Member
Hmmmm, I read through this entire thread yesterday. It pressed many buttons, profoundly, but it also gave me a lot of information and insights. I've thought and felt my way through this for the past day, and I'd say your therapist is doing the right thing in being cautious. She is looking out for you. I had one who went the other way, and it has left me unhinged, uncertain, misdiagnosed and mistreated, and in a very unhealthy place for over a decade. So, I'd heed your therapist's caution and stem your feelings of failure. She sounds very caring and pragmatic, a good combination I would think.
Please know that you are not a failure for choosing walking over running on your journey. To dedicate yourself to working on any aspect of healing shows how strong you are. Indeed, it takes someone very strong to start a thread such as this and to continue your way through the entire discussion. I think it shows tenacity as well. So, if it takes time to move forward that's okay, you will hang in there and do the work, you will gain even more strength, tools and insights, and when it is safe you will proceed with your work to get you to where you need to be. In the 12 Step programs there is a saying which I repeat to myself often "It takes as long as it takes." I know that must sound silly, but it tells me that some things take time and that hurrying will not get me to where I need to be any faster or in any better condition. Slow and steady is better than frantic and fractured. I'm now seeking to undo the latter by going the way of the former.
I also wanted to thank you for starting and continuing this thread as it has helped me to gain some clarity with regard to my situation. I've been thinking and working on acknowledgment, acceptance, judgment, truth, forgiveness and perception in the past week.. After reading your post, some articles I already had regarding this topic and through journaling I did yesterday, I'm now taking into consideration and respecting that not all of me is on board with working on trauma right now and never really has been able to handle this topic for a myriad of reasons. She has been demonstrating to me for a number of years and in many ways that she was overwhelmed and frightened, but I wasn't able to see/hear/feel. I'm trying not to be angry, sad, judgmental, or to give up on myself having lost so many years, but am instead trying to be aware of all sides of myself and to watch for signals that I'm uneasy when working through different exercises or practices, in reading or listening to different media, or in different situations with others. I'm working hard to be compassionate and slow down without judgment, and to show love and patience without violence attached. I have a long way to go yet, but I'm not rushing, I'm seeking peace. In my mind, those two can't coincide in my being.
I don't know if any of this helps you as so many others have offered so much more above, but for what it's worth, I wanted to let you know that I understand the feeling of "urgency" to get through it all and be done with it, but please be aware of rushing without considering possible consequences. Forgive me if I missed it, but have you thought about why you are in such a hurry? What your motivation is?
I met a fellow traveler along the way who once told me that your mind will tell you what it wants you to know when it is ready. I wish you the best on your journey and hope that you find the peace you are seeking. VB
Please know that you are not a failure for choosing walking over running on your journey. To dedicate yourself to working on any aspect of healing shows how strong you are. Indeed, it takes someone very strong to start a thread such as this and to continue your way through the entire discussion. I think it shows tenacity as well. So, if it takes time to move forward that's okay, you will hang in there and do the work, you will gain even more strength, tools and insights, and when it is safe you will proceed with your work to get you to where you need to be. In the 12 Step programs there is a saying which I repeat to myself often "It takes as long as it takes." I know that must sound silly, but it tells me that some things take time and that hurrying will not get me to where I need to be any faster or in any better condition. Slow and steady is better than frantic and fractured. I'm now seeking to undo the latter by going the way of the former.
I also wanted to thank you for starting and continuing this thread as it has helped me to gain some clarity with regard to my situation. I've been thinking and working on acknowledgment, acceptance, judgment, truth, forgiveness and perception in the past week.. After reading your post, some articles I already had regarding this topic and through journaling I did yesterday, I'm now taking into consideration and respecting that not all of me is on board with working on trauma right now and never really has been able to handle this topic for a myriad of reasons. She has been demonstrating to me for a number of years and in many ways that she was overwhelmed and frightened, but I wasn't able to see/hear/feel. I'm trying not to be angry, sad, judgmental, or to give up on myself having lost so many years, but am instead trying to be aware of all sides of myself and to watch for signals that I'm uneasy when working through different exercises or practices, in reading or listening to different media, or in different situations with others. I'm working hard to be compassionate and slow down without judgment, and to show love and patience without violence attached. I have a long way to go yet, but I'm not rushing, I'm seeking peace. In my mind, those two can't coincide in my being.
I don't know if any of this helps you as so many others have offered so much more above, but for what it's worth, I wanted to let you know that I understand the feeling of "urgency" to get through it all and be done with it, but please be aware of rushing without considering possible consequences. Forgive me if I missed it, but have you thought about why you are in such a hurry? What your motivation is?
I met a fellow traveler along the way who once told me that your mind will tell you what it wants you to know when it is ready. I wish you the best on your journey and hope that you find the peace you are seeking. VB
- Post starter
- #59
barefoot
Diamond Member
@Sandstone She isn't saying anything about working on reducing the resistance. She says that, in order to do the deeper work, my resistance needs to soften and she doesn't know that it will because it hasn't changed in the time we've been working together. She doesn't seem to have any ideas about how to help with that. She just seems to think it means we can't do it and shouldn't try because the trying and its effects aren't in service to me.
I don't know whether I should keep pushing to do it and to us finding ways to get in there and through it or whether it's time to try to accept that she's right and I'm not going to be able to so should stop going on about it. I just posted another thread about it here:
Do I Just Need To Accept That I've Been Beaten By My Own Resistance?
Feel like I'm practically spamming the therapy forum at the moment!
Yes, I was worried that she would want to call it a day a I was too resistant and the money had run out. She has said we can carry on but we haven't yet discussed/agreed what that will look like as I can't afford her regular fees so I don't yet know what she will come up with. I had aimed to get that sorted when I saw her yesterday but then didn't bring it up, so I have to now wait until I see her in January. And it's worrying still, not having those logistics agreed and knowing I will sort of be at the mercy of her coming up with something that I can afford,
I'm very annoyed with myself for not getting that sorted yesterday as you're right - that fear and uncertainty and insecurity are, I'm sure, adding to my current high anxiety in general and am making me feel very stressed about therapy and in sessions. I should have had that conversation with her yesterday :-(
I don't know whether I should keep pushing to do it and to us finding ways to get in there and through it or whether it's time to try to accept that she's right and I'm not going to be able to so should stop going on about it. I just posted another thread about it here:
Do I Just Need To Accept That I've Been Beaten By My Own Resistance?
Feel like I'm practically spamming the therapy forum at the moment!
Yes, I was worried that she would want to call it a day a I was too resistant and the money had run out. She has said we can carry on but we haven't yet discussed/agreed what that will look like as I can't afford her regular fees so I don't yet know what she will come up with. I had aimed to get that sorted when I saw her yesterday but then didn't bring it up, so I have to now wait until I see her in January. And it's worrying still, not having those logistics agreed and knowing I will sort of be at the mercy of her coming up with something that I can afford,
I'm very annoyed with myself for not getting that sorted yesterday as you're right - that fear and uncertainty and insecurity are, I'm sure, adding to my current high anxiety in general and am making me feel very stressed about therapy and in sessions. I should have had that conversation with her yesterday :-(
I've responded on your other thread but just to add, the uncertainty around your work with her, fees, her commitment to the work will absolutely feed any defences you have - how can you commit yourself to doing such hard work when you don't know how long she'll be there for or whether you can afford her?
Working on day to day stability and symptom reduction will help you with daily life and may ease your defences a bit - which is all resistance is, it's not a purposeful thing in your part to resist therapy, it's a wholly subconscious process that you have little control over.
Think about it as being the wall around your castle, at the moment your wall has sentries guarding it who pour scalding oil on anyone that tries to climb over. By pushing so hard, you're trying to break down the wall, so your sentries are pouring oil, firing arrows and cannons at anyone that looks like they want to come anywhere near. The way to change that is to stop trying to demolish the wall by force, instead you need to approach slowly and gently, come bearing gifts (self care), talk kindly and reassuringly to the sentries and sooner or later they'll feel safe enough to open the door for you.
At the moment you're using a battering ram, and getting battered from all sides.
Working on day to day stability and symptom reduction will help you with daily life and may ease your defences a bit - which is all resistance is, it's not a purposeful thing in your part to resist therapy, it's a wholly subconscious process that you have little control over.
Think about it as being the wall around your castle, at the moment your wall has sentries guarding it who pour scalding oil on anyone that tries to climb over. By pushing so hard, you're trying to break down the wall, so your sentries are pouring oil, firing arrows and cannons at anyone that looks like they want to come anywhere near. The way to change that is to stop trying to demolish the wall by force, instead you need to approach slowly and gently, come bearing gifts (self care), talk kindly and reassuringly to the sentries and sooner or later they'll feel safe enough to open the door for you.
At the moment you're using a battering ram, and getting battered from all sides.
- Status
Similar posts
Donation drives
Trending content
-
-
What Are You Feeling Today? Not Thinking, Rather Feeling! Can You Identify Yours?
- goingonhope
Comments: 34K -
-
-
-
