My therapist told me this past week she thinks we have "resolved most of the dissociation" that I used to experience inside and outside of therapy. I'm not as sure that we have. I still have some really bad days... but there are many subjects we can and do talk about and dive into that used to send me floating into numbness and left me working hard to cope all week. Now I "just" feel angry or anxious when we talk about some of them, but I am very present, and it is great to be able to feel that way.
It's taken years of trauma therapy and two inpatient stays at a specialized PTSD treatment center for me to get to this point. That being said, don't compare yourself to anyone else - what it takes for each person to work with and through dissociation varies due to so many factors.
I'm interested in whether anyone has been able to conquer their dissociation and, if so, how they did that. Were there specific things they/their therapist did? Was it simply a matter of patience? Is it something you can push/force to happen?
Not asking so much about grounding techniques etc to use when you start dissociating to help you "come back" (though if anyone has specific tips, I'd be interested to hear them!) I'm more interested in, if dissociation used to get in the way and stop the work in therapy, how has anyone got round/through that?
One of the key things that helped jumpstart my improvement in dealing with dissociation was practicing pre-emptive grounding techniques and coping skills all the time. Regardless if I was feeling dissociative or not. It seemed really stupid at first...
Think about it this way: dissociation is a survival response to stress and/or trauma that feels too overwhelming to cope with. The better we are coping with every day life, the less overwhelmed our brains will be to deal with a new trigger like talking about trauma. Plus, the better practiced we are at grounding when it's easy, the quicker it will work when it's hard. I literally had a diary card I kept to check off at least 5-10 coping skills or grounding techniques I did every day, no matter what. (Some things were super simple like taking a deep breath.) The card was just a measure of self accountability for myself to actually do it.
A huge thing I had to learn was to not fear the dissociation and how to manage it so it didn't disrupt my life. The better I got at handling dissociation itself, and the more functional I could be when I was dissociated, the less scared I was of being dissociated, and the less dissociated I was. It's like someone who panics about the sensation of a panic attack... they end up just being in even more of a panic. (I do that too...)
At one point, I literally had to carry around a flashcard reminding me that "I exist." No joke. I had other flashcards on what to do when dissociated. I had alarms on my phone and took transport that didn't require tons of focus and had ways to help myself function. I used to have psychogenic seizures -- my dissociation was so bad it looked like I was in a catatonic state. The oddest thing is that I used to be able to think myself into that kind of state by just thinking about a really traumatic incident. I never wanted to be able to do that, I never did it on purpose, I just could do that. It's like there is a new and much higher floor to my dissociation. Now, I couldn't be as dissociated as before, no matter how hard I tried. (All bets are off if a new traumatic event happened.)
And it's really hard. It's like what recovering alcoholics say - that getting sober is hard, but living sober is even harder. Now I feel all the crappy pain I was running from through dissociation. My therapist (ok, so pretty much every therapist I have ever seen) tells me that this part of recovering will get better too. I just really never thought I would end up getting even this far (and I don't really trust it.)
I have a short list that I bring to therapy every time. It lists three things I want to remember during the session and three things I want deal with in session. This really helped when I was more dissociative. (It helps now too even when less dissociative.)
Sometimes the things to remember are positive phrases, like "I can do this." For you, maybe it would be a card to remind you to bring out the whiteboard (I used a whiteboard in a number of my sessions.)
Although I can see my T's point that the current cycle isn't healthy/helpful and I do in general trust her experience/professional judgement, I just don't feel ready to give up on the trauma work yet. I want to have another shot at it. I just don't know how to deal with the dissociation, which is totally getting in the way.
I admire your courage and desire to want to talk about the trauma. It makes sense.
Keep in mind that talking about trauma isn't the only way to process through it. Working on having an open and vulnerable relationship with your therapist about your present life now, even about this struggle, is a huge part of the work itself. There are a number of things I used to dissociate about but as I ventured into really scary territory with my therapist about current day stuff, a few things about my fear about talking about the past shifted.
Writing the words I couldn't say and bringing it to therapy (or emailing it if my therapist was ok with that) has been essential to my process as well. It's been really effective for me to give myself TINY amounts of self exposure to the trauma on my own, then to ground out of it, and then to go back and write a tiny amount more, and then ground out, and then go back... I would not recommend just writing out a detailed trauma history to the point of going numb. Just write and set an alarm to go off in a few minutes and check in with how you feel. If you feel at all shakey or numb, then stop. Take a break and go back to feeling present in the here and now. Don't dive in deep to get it all out and leave yourself upset and/or numb as a lot of people do - that's re-traumatizing too.
And please - no telling me I must get a new therapist. That's not where I am and what I want to do at the moment and if people pile in and start telling me to see someone else, I'm just going to feel even more upset!
For what it is worth, which probably isn't much, but I don't think you need a new therapist - it seems like you and this therapist have a good connection!
4) I'm thinking inner child as that's what my therapist has mentioned before. She's said the IC is frightened and needs reassurance and compassion. But we haven't got into IC stuff any further than that. T has also said this "aspect" is trying to protect me.
I am not DID either, but I have ego states that are not very integrated. Sometimes I regress to an inner child kind of state when dissociated. It's not a full personality, but just a different state of being.
If your inner child is saying no, then maybe it's time to focus on what your inner child does need. Something really helpful in therapy has been to write letters to what I imagine my inner child might need to hear. It took me some time to think of something to write - I eventually just had to write like I was writing to a kid I mentor... It didn't make the dissociation go away, but it made it much more fluid and not so hard to deal with. My therapist told me it helps the dissociation for some people.
I think in general I trust her and feel safe with her. However, when I was freaking out in sessions a couple of months ago, I didn't feel safe and ok in the space but I'm not sure why.
There was probably some fears coming up from the past. Taking some time to talk about what happened with your therapist might help that inner child get some of their needs met so that you do feel safer to talk in the future. I have had sessions (like last week actually) where it felt like my therapist was terribly dangerous. So I told her. "I don't know why, but I'm really scared of you right now." It was so hard to do, and it came up when not talking about trauma and but when talking about talking about trauma... It helped to tell her those things. It's a very common part of the therapy experience when working with developmental trauma to feel scared and unsafe in the therapy room at times, with very safe therapists.
was talking about the issue of honesty in therapy with my partner the other day. I think there is often a big gap between how I present and how I actually feel/what's going on under the surface. Sometimes I think my therapist "just knows" what's really going on but, thinking on it over the past few days, sometimes I do expect her to be a mind reader and sometimes I think we both end up in a bit of a guessing game with each other.
This is actually a very important thing to talk to her about. It's part of the work. Trauma taught you that silence or vagueness is safer... It will take time to learn and be able to do something different, but dealing with these types of things are actually part of the work with the trauma.
Talking is definitely a big challenge. Writing helps a lot. I haven't tried art/drawing. I'm not actually any good at drawing. Does that matter?!
My art work is totally crap when it comes to being an artist. But as to being therapeutic, it's been really helpful. I'd recommend getting oil pastels or different than normal art mediums - let your adult brain let go of the desire to do good art and just do art to connect with what you feel inside and where. I filled up page with very abstract messy stuff that I threw away but helped me learn how to be in my own skin, and express, even when scared or stressed.
Ok, so that was a long rambly world salad of a post. Please disregard if not helpful. You are doing good work. I hope you find a path that works for you to be more present when talking about the past. :hug:
