Has Anyone Tried Dating Lately?

[Sara1999]

I was just wondering if anyone has any stories/advice about dating post-trauma.

I was never particularly successful dating before the trauma, but I am recently out of the closet and hope that dating women will be more successful than dating men. While I do have good friends and a close knit family, I want that intimate connection/relationship.

However, I feel like because of the PTSD I am kind of broken, and I worry that either no one will want me this way or that I will bring too much baggage into the relationship and it will be a problem. I also never know when to bring up my long history of bipolar disorder or my current PTSD.

I had one date a few months ago that did not go great, and I wonder how much of that was because half an hour into the date I mentioned that I had been shot this year and was still recovering physically and mentally. It may have made things too intense too early. Thoughts? Stories? Suggestions?

 

[Nicolette]

Every situation will be different Sara as each person is different. What will make one person run a mile may not even cause the bat of an eyelid for another.

I am now married to a PTSD Sufferer and we are coming up to having been together for 6 years. My suggestion to you is to work on your self worth as if you project

I am kind of broken, and I worry that either no one will want me this way or that I will bring too much baggage into the relationship

then chances are that is how it will come across. Focus on what are your good points..... PTSD is not you, it is an illness you suffer from. You decide if you let it define you. We all have 'baggage' - the fundamental as I see it is accepting the baggage so it is no longer separate from you and then work on reducing it or finding the positives in it.

It sounds like you are still finding your feet so invest in yourself and date if you feel up to it, being open to accept that if it doesn't work it isn't necessarily a reflection on you and that each time you do date you learn some more.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I feel the same way. I'm told by my T that what has happened to me twice now is the worst case scenario. I told a boyfriend of two months one small aspect of my trauma and he broke up with me. Then a year later a guy interested in me wanted to know a specific part of my history so I told him and he stopped being interested.

But the way I look at it is that a lot of people can't handle a challenge to their perception of security. All people construct walls of comfort and safety around them on some level, whether it's friends, a steady job, family, a house instead of an apartment and so on...then when they are faced by someone who has lived through something they only 'see on tv', they can't handle it. It doesn't matter they haven't lived through it or that it's over, just facing someone who's dealt with it makes it real. So obviously, those two men weren't the right fit for a PTSD sufferer. I want to say they weren't strong enough, but I don't really think strength plays into it.

I guess my piece of advice would be that even though it hurts to be rejected for having trauma in your past, try not to focus on it. It's their problem, not yours. Not everyone is so sheltered they can't handle 'baggage'. It's a reality of adult relationships that we all have baggage in one shape or another, it's just that yours is a little more shocking. Someone will be able to see that and appreciate it for what it is, that you survived something bad and are a hundred other things that have nothing to do with that at the same time.

 

[Nicolette]

I guess my piece of advice would be that even though it hurts to be rejected for having trauma in your past, try not to focus on it. It's their problem, not yours. Not everyone is so sheltered they can't handle 'baggage'.

I agree - maybe the fact that I've had trauma in my past made me less judgmental and more empathetic.

 

[Nicolette]

I want to say they weren't strong enough, but I don't really think strength plays into it.

Ummm.... I would be tempted to disagree and think it does. Its made me stronger as I was always compassionate but had to learn how to be tough but firm in ways I never imagined - totally against the way I was brought up thinking that the woman pleased the man. Boundaries have a totally different meaning to me these days.

 

[Loveneverfails]

I would be tempted to disagree and think it does.

I see where you're coming from. I guess what I mean is I don't want to say just because they are afraid of facing a darker side of reality that they are weak. I can't blame them for being afraid and wanting to keep their safety net. I would too if I had the choice, I think. But I agree with you too, that it does take a strong person to be open and willing to change for the sake of their own health and that of their partner.