Has Anyone Written A Letter To Their Abuser?

[It's all my fault]

I'm thinking of writing a letter to my abusers.I was molested 35+ years ago by a friends parents. Slowly this emotionally and then physically took my friends life as she too had suffered the abuse, only worse. They are old now and in their 70's and I want them to feel the pain they have caused. I don't have the energy or drive to legally prosecute them if even I would have a case with the statute of limitations etc. Since my friend is dead and I have been discussing this for the first time in my life, she is literally in my head begging for help and justification. I know I need to get this out in therapy but talking about it is making it more real and out in front. Do people think if I sent a letter to them that might help and has anyone have experiences of doing this?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Is the sole purpose of the letter to make these people hurt? What sort of reaction are you looking for? I don't understand what sort of justification you're looking for, or really that there is any justification.

Most abusers just deny that they did anything wrong. If you get a denial or ignored, can you handle that?

If you're in the USA you can report them to social services and then let it go. That's exactly what I did. I knew confronting my abuser had the potential to destroy me so I knew that wasn't an option. Even just the reporting process nearly destroyed me. I knew I wouldn't get anywhere by pursuing the matter legally, so the best option for me was to report and let it go so that I could focus the healing on myself. It was the best decision I could have made.

I'm not saying that you should stay quiet. Reporting IS a way of safely speaking out. I am just afraid that you're looking for something (revenge, justification, etc) and the pursuit of that could make things worse for you if you're not adequately prepared to accept every possible negative outcome.

 

[digger]

My therapist has suggested this to me a couple of times, but thinking more along the lines of writing without sending it. I couldn't send to my dad anyway as he is dead. Other people are still alive but personally I don't think it would benefit me in any way to actually send it. I can see the point in writing it still though to help release some of how I feel about things and clarify my thoughts more. I'm not ready to yet though.

Definitely worth talking to your therapist about, and you could always write it and then decide how you feel about sending it once it's written.

 

[Justmehere]

I have written a letter to three of my abusers. It was extremely painful but helpful to write. I sent one of the letters. For me, it didn't do much good to mail it.

I have also given a victim impact statement - I read in court a letter to an abuser and in that case, that was helpful - but admittedly different circumstances. There was an audience bigger than the perpetrator who could make sure the perp faced consequence for what he did.

If you are doing it with the goal that telling them will lead to them hurting over what they did to you - I would highly suggest taking time to proceed cautiously.

If you are doing it to reclaim your voice, work through a need to tell them what they did to you hurt you, if they can't hurt you again and you are fully safe from any harm from them, and if you are prepared to handle them possibly mailing an upsetting invalidating response back to you (or you are prepared to have no return address on the letter or otherwise block any response back) and you have therapeutic support for what could happen - then I say go for it.

If the goal is to talk to your therapist more about it, I think it could be really helpful to write the letter, but hold off on sending it right now. Maybe just writing it with the possibility of sending it will help. Or talking to your therapist that you are not ready to talk about it, but you want to write them a letter - maybe it would be a good way to slowly ease into talking about it more with your therapist.

 

[Hashi]

Yes, I have written letters but I haven't posted them.

I don't know what's best for you, but I'd suggest actually sending a letter only if you really can let go of the outcome. Because it's unlikely that the outcome is going to give you any validation or comfort. You need to be sending the letter because just the act of sending it is enough. If you're attached to what the reaction to the letter might be... I think it could get really problematic, and not in your favour.

An unsent letter always keeps the power with you. So I'm in favour of writing but not sending. Maybe sending after a lot of thinking, but not quickly.

I think it would be good to talk to your therapist about it.

 

[NovemberStar]

Yes, I have written MANY letter to my mother - but as she died when I was 10, there of course, was no respond. HOWEVER - that was a blessing - I even went to her graveside, read it out, burned it, buried the ashes of the letter on the top of her grave. IUt helped.

Best bit - she could not reply!!!

I think putting your feelings, anger etc into writing is helpful - but as to whether or not to send it, I would encourage you to talk (a LOT) to your T and don't make a rash decision. I agree with the others - you need to be clear as to the purpose of sending it - if it is to 'make them realize' how much they hurt you, then it has the potential to leave you feeling even more disempowered. In a perfect world, they would read your letter, then break down and cry and beg for forgiveness, but as the others have said, the sick people who do these things to us are just not 'normal' people with 'normal' reactions. Most deny it, or even get to the point why deny it to themselves - they can lie to themselves and TOTALLY twist it in their head,s and sit there lying point blank and really CANNOT see they a) didn't ANYTHING wrong, b) you are crazy and imagined it, C) maybe know they did it, but either DONT CARE, or say you deserved it / it was your fault anyway. Or just as bad - say 'it was so long ago, get over it'.

Bottom line - it comes down to your expectations. IF you could sent a letter expressing your pain, but without ANY expectations as to their response, then it might help to send it. BUt if you were hoping for a response or for them to respond in a certain way, I probably wouldn't recommend it.

As I said - wiring a letter can be very very healing - but it doesn't have to be one you send.

The positives about writing a letter is you can express ALL your feelings - ALL your anger. You can use as many cuss words as you need to, call them all the names under the sun; and if it takes 5 pages or 500 pages, it does have an END. ESpecially if its pain or anger mainly you feel as you are writing. The pain and anger we feel FEELS limitless; but putting it down onto paper, it WILL have an end point - 5 pages or 500 pages later, you will reach a point that you have said all you need too. (Of course, that doesn't mean the feelings have finished, you may feel just as angry an hour later or a month later - but in that moment, it does have an end).

Another idea is doing the 'empty chair exercise' in therapy with your T. Imagine your abusers are facing you and sitting in front of you and you tell them exactly what you think and feel.

I've had many 'talks' in my head with my mother over the years - and i can IMAGINE her reaction, i can IMAGINE her saying ow sorry she is, and in my 'talks' I vary between having no mercy and continuing to tear strips off her, to reechoing the point of forgiveness.

With forgiveness, it is NOT about them, it is about YOU, There eis a saying "resentment is like drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die' - it only destroys us. My abusers that are alive (namely step mother), she desont lose sleep at night with any of the things she does. I on the other hand, lost a lot of sleep, hating her and wanting her dead. In the end, I hand to forgive her, for MY benefit. DO I accept what she did to me - NO. Do I lover her and want to go hug her? NO F#$king way; but I have got my anger to a manageable state, where I no longer have the utter hatred in my heart, and I sleep well at night. If she dropped dead tomorrow I'd probably feel relief (mainly cos I stand to inherit a couple hundred thousand $$$$ and i'm in financial need right now lol), but I would not had hatred in my heart about it.

However, 'forgiveness' is often WAAAAAAAAYYYYYY down the road - I am not suggesting you have to or need to even consider that right now; but later on, AFTER you've done a lot of your grief work, and healing, it might be a huge breakthrough for YOUR healing and peace.

 

[open eyes]

Most of what I wanted to say has already been said. If you write a letter, make sure that you're doing it for you & not just to hurt them.

I saw a couple people bring up forgiveness. When you forgive someone for abusing you or otherwise traumatizing you, you are not doing it to free their guilt. You are forgiving them to accept that they hurt you deep down but that you no longer have to carry the anger & bitterness towards them. It's more for you than for them.

 

[Nebulustrix]

I have written a couple letters to my abuser that I never actually sent him. The writing was for me - processing my emotions. It allowed me to vent my anger and frustration, let out my sense of betrayal and disappointment, my heartache, sorrow, and unnecessary guilt.

Even if I wanted to, I would not be able to send them to him, as doing so would break my injunction and give me no legal backing to have the police take him away if he ever came looking for me. But I don't think sending him the letters would do any good anyway, as doing so would just illicit responses full of more manipulation and pain.

 

[shell]

Yes, I sent a letter to both of my abusers to cut them out of my life, it wasn't an attacking letter but a statement of the truth. It was a very hard thing to do, because it also meant I would have to live with any consequences of my actions. You can't undo the chain of reactions that may eventuate once it is sent.

Both my parents were in there 70's at the time, and while physically they didn't harm me, emotionally they continued to blame me for their actions, and hold me totally responsible. They were manipulative, angry and still very hurtful. At the time what would have happened if they had harmed themselves, or acted in some other harmful way constantly went through my mind, even though we are not responsible for the actions of others, how would I have felt, if they chose to act that way? Without doubt I would have lived with that burden for the rest of my life.

It didn't ease my hurt to shut them out of my life, it only stopped the on going emotional abuse, nothing can undo the past, the only thing I can change is my response to what happened.

Since then I have written many letters that I have never sent, to let me express all those things I never go to say in that letter, because I certainly didn't say everything they deserved, and from them I have found a way to release my pain. It would take a more than a single letter to express all the pain I feel.

Hurting others only brings me down to their level, and personally I would never want to be anything like them, I actually take comfort in the fact that I am nothing like them. We can chose not to abuse.

 

[marylouise]

I'm like you. I want abusive and mean people to feel pain. When my father was alive, I had the same fantasy many times of showing up at his house with a gun, ringing the doorbell, and blowing his head off. It's very difficult for me to accept that they can't acknowledge what they did and the pain it caused. But that's the reality. The reality is also though that by then my father was alone, an alcoholic, he hadn't worked for decades, and his two kids had both left him without looking back when they were teenagers. His old age must have been hell. And I'm glad for that. I don't care about being a "better" person who can "forgive".

I have a suggestion, which you can decide to follow or not. Write the letter, write as many letters as you need to tell about your anger and pain, go to a river, or to a cliff, or to a burial site, and give the letter to the Universe. Send the letter away in the water, toss it into the void, bury it in the dirt. I believe your message will be heard. I believe it will be heard, because I believe we are all connected in unexpected ways. Just like all of us here on this board hear you now.

You don't need to send the letter, though I think you should if you feel inclined. Just know that those terrible, broken people will almost certainly not be able to acknowledge what they did. They won't "hear" you. Their response to your letter would be denial, anger, maybe rage, bitterness, and hatred. But they know, deep down, they know anyway.

They have to live with what they did, and it rots them from inside. You don't need to confront them. Reality does it for you. The Universe does it for you. (Sounds like they lost a daughter?) And keep in mind that old age is the worst for abusers. It's when the shit hits the fan, so to speak. I see it with my father-in-law now. He's losing his physical abilities, and he can't abuse or control anyone the way he could before, and it hurts more than anything else could, except for the knowledge that he beat his wife, which is what he cries about when he drinks. It's karma.