Hate

[raking72]

I hate myself. Everything I do is wrong. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I think is wrong. What kind of person goes back to a guy who beat them? I did it twice. I was finally out, he was in jail and I was free. So what did I do? I stupidly took him back. Asked the judge to drop the restraining order. Within a week he was back to beating me up.

I'm done with him now. The divorce was final in Feb. He used to tell me everything I did was wrong. Or if there was something I didn't know how to do I was stupid. Talking to my therapist helped. she said It was just his way of controlling me. But I don't know how true that is. I still feel like everything I do is wrong. It has been really hard for me to take criticism and I have been getting a lot of it lately.

I think about ending it all the time. I don't because I don't want my kids to be raised by that monster of my ex husband. I don't want to talk to my therapist about it because I can't risk losing my kids. Maybe I kids would be better off without a failure of a mother.

My therapist thinks Im doing a lot better. When I'm there I can't talk to her about how I really feel. I just tell her I'm doing better.

How do I make this pain go away?

 

[risingsun]

I'm done with him now. The divorce was final in Feb.

It looks like you have made a huge step. I used to go back to friends that severely abused me all the time. I know its different because they're just friends. But I was physically and emotionally abused by one in particular. I used to be asked, "Why do I keep going back." Truth be told . . . In hindsight, I didn't want to be alone. The thought of it was terrifying. And, I used to hold on to that one piece of that friend that was, once, good. And I would overlook the bad. I know its not the same as a relationship and a husband, but the fear of being alone and holding on to that piece of someone you once cherished is kind of the same. After a while, though, it is hard because you start to believe you are "unworthy" because you have been programmed by him to think so.

We all make mistakes. In hindsight, everything looks dark. Looking forward, all we can really say is, "I did the best that I could with what I had inside me at that time." And you did. After all, you were severely abused. To forgive yourself for whatever you think you did wrong is to "free" yourself really. Your kids need you. They need you to guide them since they have such a poor, poor role model for a father. And most of all, they love you. They love you even when "you" don't love "you." But to learn to love yourself and I believe that you will learn to, will allow "them" to learn how to love themselves as they grow older.

You know, it seems like your on the right track with at least expressing how you feel. Please do express your true feelings to your therapist. That's what they are they're for. But you also need to somehow channel all those feelings into something, something that you love to do whether it is art or a hobby or whatnot.

Remember, you are never alone. You have had angels and guides protecting you all along whether you believe or not. It's why you are still alive. Keep the faith Raking. You did the right thing for yourself and your kids and that, in itself, is the role of a good mother. Silence the would've, could've, should've thinking. Now is the time for you to blossom. You are free even if your mind is telling you otherwise.
Warmest to you Raking. My prayers are with you, Rising Sun.

 

[Sammyiam]

Talk to you therapist , you can go day in and day out and tell her life is great you are just fooling the both of you. It isn't going to make your life any better not talking to your therapist. She can't help you if you don't tell her what's going on. Please talk to her and tell her she will be able to help but only if you talk to her, she isn't a mind reader they only have to work with what you give them. I pay for my psychologist and I tell her what's going on as she has a 6 week waiting list so if I told her I was fine I would be wasting her time that she could be helping others and I'm wasting my money neither would be good I think. You are so right in saying that the kids would be worse off with him. You are a very important person who has been put through shit and it's not your fault you kept going back that is what he has taught you. Your kids need their mum and it's important you know that you are a wonderful person that just needs help, please talk to your therapist and get the help you deserve. Please do it for you children. Look at doing something just for you to make you feel better . What are some things that you used to love before you meet him, think about doing things to make you feel better and make you into the person you were before you had such a terrible time with that monster. Please look after yourself

Take care

 

[arfie]

Everything I do is wrong. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I think is wrong.

Years ago a woman in one of my support groups responded to my making this exact declaration by congratulating me on being able to accomplish 100%. "Not too many people in the world can accomplish 100% in anything," she told me. Got me chewing... On closer examination, I realized that not even I could be wrong 100% of the time. Once I started looking for the exceptions, a new habit was born. That particular seed has grown so much that these days I can even accept a compliment without looking for the knife behind your back.

I don't know how to make the pain go away, raking, but I do believe that bringing the wound out into the open, fresh air and cleansing it is a good start. Gentle support while you seek your healing tools.

 

[Philippa]

I think if you read over your initial post you may find the key to why you feel this way about yourself.

You said that HE used to tell you that everything you did was wrong. Now you are telling yourself the same thing...see where I'm going here? It seems as though you have internalized his harmful messages to you, and I'm sure if you look into your past it's possible that abuse in relationships is something that is "normal" for you. Perhaps your mother used to take a beating from your father...I don't know? My point is that even though you feel stupid, and it seems totally right to say that you are stupid (I used to judged women in your position in the same was...and as an ignorant outsider, that seemed like the right judgement, at the time.)

I learned that much goes on inside a womans psyche when she has been abused, in the way you have been. Abuse erodes a womans self worth, self esteem and leaves her accepting the wrong and negative messages of her abuser, because it seems like the logical reason for why he is abusing you. "If he is treating me this way, I must have done something to deserve it...it must be me."

Children also take this on when they are raised in families where there is abuse. They don't question that belief, it totally seems fathomable that it really IS them. They develop all kinds of behavioural traits in an attempt to become 'better' or 'nicer' so that their parents won't hurt them...and women do the same in an abusive relationship. They take the man back because deep down they believe there is something wrong with them and that they deserve it.

You don't, and you aren't stupid for taking him back. At the time, your mind was spewing all these thoughts and beliefs out telling you otherwise, and you figured (which is probably what he also told you at times) that "no one will ever want or love me, so I better stay with him because at least he'll put up with me." Is that right?

If you can start looking at the messages you tell yourself when you speak, and stop yourself, you can reverse the damaged self image HE has imposed onto you.

And yes, as Arfie just mentioned, using the word EVERYTHING, is inaccurate. Most of us f*ck up at least a few times in a lifetime...some f*ck up a lot more than that and hopefully learn from it. But we also do plenty of things right in between. You just may be so focussed on all the wrong things you do that you aren't acknowledging the things you do that are right...such as, choosing to live for the sake of your kids. You love your kids enough to not let them be around an abuser. THAT is doing something pretty right.

 

[raking72]

Thank you all for your support. I'm just so tired of feeling this way. It's always on my mind. I am going to try talking to my therapist about it. I feel so ashamed for feeling this way. I'm not sure how I will talk to her about it but I will try.

 

[KwanYingirl]

@raking72 been where you are at. DV is a complicated dynamic and oh, so hard to overcome. I ended up in the ER twice, endured violence and verbal sputum flung my way by a psychopath. I finally got the courage to go to the local DV support community and with their help, I got rid of my abuser. I had no self esteem, thankfully my children were away at college and never witnessed his abuse. You're doing the best you can and doing a lot of things right. Remember, they have to dominate us which means they have to make us own everything that is wrong instead of placing the blame on them. And there is a certain seduction that accompanies these men. They are evil. Please be kind to yourself. I keep a journal that I only allow positive affirmations in it. When I'm feeling worthless I read it and it helps bring me back to the present. All we have is the present.

 

[Whirlwind]

What kind of person goes back to a guy who beat them? I did it twice.

How many go back? Last I looked I think the average is 7 times. You actually divorcing him, broke the cycle! I'm impressed you've been able to do this, again...many just can't. You have a chance to rebuild your life as YOU want.

Have you read the book by Lundy Bancroft, "Why does he do this?" please read it, get it at the library, download it .....I think you'll feel kinder towards yourself, it explains a lot and it is a very nice read, talks about life post abuse.

Best wishes, Whirlwind

 

[mamachick]

Im sorry I am so tired that I cant function so I have not read other posts, so if I am repeating others words, please just accept them as two of the same opinions. He verbally abused you for a long time. The words are much worse than the physical abuse. Verbal abuse scars are harder to heal from, this is something that I am working on now, but mine come mostly from my adult daughter. It doesnt matter the source. Self esteem is torn down. When you get rid of the abuser, it is normal that you begin abusing yourself. I am not saying normal as in it is ok, it will require a lot of positive self affirmations and complimenting yourself. There is a voice in all of our heads and it is either nurturing or tearing down. It takes a lot of time for that voice to begin being self nurturing and compassionate again toward ourselves.

Our own mind takes over the abusers role in the absence of the abuser. Your children do need you, and they need you to recover from this abuse. It is going to be hard and a long road, (I am not one to sugar coat), but you are modeling for your children that you can and will recover from this. Be proud that you had the strenght to walk away. KUDOS to YOU!

The second important point that I do want to make is that I hope that you will give yourself time to feel good about yourself, to regain your self esteem, to recognize the good in you and what you can accomplish, and that you can survive without a partner. When you are feeling whole and positive about yourself, you will attract decent men. When we try to date to soon, (as others can make us feel good on the surface), we often attract more abusive men. They may seem great at first, then little by little it begins. We have to really believe in ourselves before we can attract healthy people, and I think this is so important in not repeating the cycle.

After what you have been through, it is normal to want to seek comfort too soon. You do need support and comfort, but seeking it from good friends, making new healthy friends, family if possible, or any other supports. Possibly joining a womens domestic violence group or other group that fits into your life where the people are aiming and committed to growth. Staying away from those who make you feel bad about yourself or manipulate you is important. This time is for you. It is all about you for awhile. Many therapists recomend not getting into a relationship for at least a year-I think its good advice. I have done that and even slipped back into the self critical thinking mode. Abusers are everywhere and in disquise. Nobody deserves such bad treatment. Get your baby pictures or childhood pictures out and look at that beautiful little girl everyday, ask yourself what she deserves and treat her with loving care. There is that little girl that needs loved and nurtured right now and you are the best qualified to do it. Hugs to you.....Brat