Hating Myself

[Stickler]

Pardon, this is going to be unfocused.
My ex-guy...kept me from killing myself in 2011, when I first started getting memories back...and when I got the grief back. My now-ex-wife was about as helpful as a large rock.
I REALLY did not want to live. I ended up living because he needed me to. But he's turned on me now.
I think I am stuck being by myself, probably for the rest of my life.
I think I'm really just too damaged to let people in close, I need to quit doing that.
That's a problem, though.
I really am not happy with myself most of the time either...other people are a distraction from being someone I don't like. That and they are reasons to live.

Why should I not me happy with me? Well, I'm not any sort of successful. I survived. But who gets a cookie for living? I can paint pictures, but I'm not terribly good.
I will go get a degree. Then I can at least support myself and stop depending on mom's charity. I guess.
I kind of dread re-entering college. I no longer really care if I succeed. I just put myself in a situation where failure to get the degree produces rather dire consequences in terms of debt that I can't pay back? So...no joy, all terror, all the triggers for self-contempt in every grade below an A. An A is just what is to be expected of me, so it only matters if I get below that.

Truthfully? It's a feeling I have. I can look for intellectual supporting evidence about my level of suckiness, but that's really just trying to make my thought match the feeling.
The feeling really isn't logical at all.
I can look and say...yeah, I'm a lazy, bloated wastrel who never can get their life together...but I'm not really evil.
I'm just annoying. A hole that people throw effort into pointlessly, to my embarrassment.
Maybe worthy of pity and a bit of disgust, but not, you know, actual hatred.

It's the sexual abuse I suppose? because when I ask inside " Why do we hate ourselves?" I get abuse images. Self-disgust.
...I don't know what help I'm able to latch onto at this moment?
...Because there's a real willfulness about this...I feel a need to not like myself?

I think it's ***not safe to like myself*** because someone will just come along and knock that self-liking right out of me. Again. My ex-guy managed to do that. Anyone I love can do that to me, the child parts believe everything they say.
I don't want to like myself any more, because it means I have something to lose. Something the people I love can take apart, knock over when they want to hurt me.

I do know that I will probably keep trudging in my cement shoes because i/we hope that this will get better.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

You know what?

I like you!!!!

You, my friend, are there for me when no one else is! You talk to me when no one else does! You've talked to me out of suicide before though you did know it!

You are liked, loved, and vaulable! :hug: :hug: :hug:

 

[hodge]

I like you, too Stickler. You so often offer wisdom, hard-won, I'm sure, in your own unique and amiable straight-talking way. I love it.

 

[Ronin]

I ended up living because he needed me to. But he's turned on me now.

I'm sorry you two relationship crashed, but: You didn't live because he needed you to.

You lived because he said what you needed to hear, that you listen to well, about wanting to live. Two different things.

So what do you need to hear about your will to live, and how to have it that keeping you together impact?

I think I am stuck being by myself, probably for the rest of my life.

Now doesn't predict the future, or so much of the future as rest of your life, thankfully ;)

Besides: If you're 'stuck' by yourself? You're stuck with damned good company :D No kidding, here.

I really am not happy with myself most of the time either...other people are a distraction from being someone I don't like.

(Dis) liking yourself has zero affect on who you are as a person though. It doesn't make qualities appear or disappear.

That and they are reasons to live.

Is about you being darned good: You not only find good in others, but you uphold that faith in others, live by it, give it all of your heart.

I hope you can direct all that drive and dedication to yourself (es), too. Baby steps.

 

[Ronin]

But who gets a cookie for living?

I'm still looking for a sufficient picture of a cookie, just so you know.

You get a cookie. Whole batch of them.

 

[Tinyflame]

I like you too @Stickler . But beyond that, your words are wise & thoughtful & life-saving to others. That is 'you'. Like said above:

Is about you being darned good: You not only find good in others, but you uphold that faith in others, live by it, give it all of your heart.

You said ,

people throw effort into

(you), that is because they see what you can't.

:hug: ( :) :) :) :) <- sort of look like cookies ;) )

 

[Ronin]

One other point, @Stickler:

Just because you feel god fawking awful, doesn't make you less worthy of love.

Even people who are objectively bastards, not in the lovely sense of 'bastard' either, get loved.

If they can, why shouldn't you?

 

[Tinyflame]

I heard that we feel suicide or end-of-life seems 'right/ appropriate' because we feel we have less value than other people, because we are sick.

 

[Ronin]

A hole that people throw effort into pointlessly, to my embarrassment.

So you're a people variant of a black hole?

Black holes are fascinating.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Black holes are fascinating.

I TOTALLY agree! Watched a ton of documentries on them ;)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Is about you being darned good: You not only find good in others, but you uphold that faith in others, live by it, give it all of your heart.

Isn't that the truth.

@Stickler weren't you the one that has talked me out of MANY tailspins? We're you the one that said I wasn't a horrible person because of what I was doing? Aren't you the one that carry on awesome conversations with me? That I very much enjoy by the way! You've got to be the one with the best sense of humor around!

You, my friend, are VERY valued by me! I dont know what I would have done without our talks!

You gave me you're entire heart, finding the good in me that I can't see!

 

[Stickler]

Am reading this:
Link Removed

Oddly enough, the basic appeal of " f*ck you, world, you won't kill me, I won't let you!" Is one that actually really works right now?
1 US $ well spent...

Hard to take in all the caring ATM. Thanks for it though.

I will try later. I promise. I won't act on the plan du jour. Or the last one. Or any of the other ones.

I need therapy, dammit.