Hating Others Makes It Harder To Face My Own Reality

[jmni]

I am trying to accept and face my own reality as it is now. But my thoughts immediately go back to those I hate so quickly and so easily.

I wish I could empty my mind totally of my feelings towards the people I hate so much. It's like being in lost in a fog. Can anyone provide guidance?

 

[ghotiff]

Are you saying that when you try to acknowledge your reality of today (eg symptoms), that when you consciously think about your symptoms your thoughts immediately jump from your symptoms to the people involved and your hate towards them?

Can you articulate here any of what you are trying to accept and face?

 

[jmni]

I mean its as though I am not in the current reality because my mind keeps going back to the past. So the issues that would come up today, never do. Although I would go as far as saying that I don't have a life at all so there are no issues. Although, yes my mind keeps going back to the past and my feelings for people that were not resolved. I think that I've also developed a very deep fear that something else terrible will happen. So I've resigned myself to having no life.

 

[gibs1177]

This is probably the last thing you want to hear but for yourself and your sanity, you have to forgive. Think of your heart as a bottle. If you fill it up with hate there's no room for love. If you let it, hate will put you in a vice grip and never let go. People may have wronged you in the past but you are the important person. In other words.."screw them, you are number one". Until you forgive, you can never move on. They probably have moved on so why shouldn't you. You are in control of yourself and your feelings. The people who wronged you and hate do not control you and do not define who you are....unless you let it.

 

[jmni]

Well I have thought of that, but I really do not even know how to forgive. I bought a few books about it but I have yet to read them. Apart from reading those books which could open my mind a bit, I just don't know how or what forgiveness even involves. My idea of forgiveness is sort of being like a saint or Jesus and it seems unfair to me as a person to hold myself up to a standard like that, that is not really realistic. So I am bit lost to that idea as well.

 

[gibs1177]

You'll be surprised at how free you will feel once you're able.

Forgiving and forgetting are two very different things. Forgiving is for you and your well being.

Do an internet search on the word "forgiveness". Mayo Clinic has a really good article.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

What gibs is saying about hate affecting you is so true. I currently hate two of my abusers. I think the Higher Power wants you to get well before you dare to touch the forgiveness aspect. You have so much to work through on your healing and recovery. It is possible if you keep on working on yourself and changing what you are able. Forgiveness is supposed to be a very freeing thing to happen, you do not forget, nor do you allow the people you hate back in your life to abuse you some more if they have not changed. My heart relates so much. I wish you the best on your healing and recovery.

 

[Hashi]

So I am bit lost to that idea as well.

You've asked for guidance, and it seems to me that you already have some guidance in your books on forgiveness but you haven't looked at them yet. Is that a fair thing to say?

I know you posted quite a similar thread recently about revenge and a number of people made suggestions. Have you tried any of them in a sustained, effortful way? I'm not attached to you trying my own suggestions, by the way, or to any particular suggestion. I'm just wondering about where you are with seriously trying out suggestions in general. You seem to be posting for practical ideas and then you say:

I've also developed a very deep fear that something else terrible will happen. So I've resigned myself to having no life.

You can't both engage with the present and avoid it at the same time.

Focussing on past harm and the people who inflicted it seems to be a way of staying away from living in the present. Therefore it's a way of staying away from your fear of something terrible happening in the present. I can't help thinking it's unlikely you'll break away from thinking about the people you hate - or even want to break away, deep down - if it's serving a purpose like that.

Are you working on the fear of something else terrible happening? Maybe that's what you need to focus on in order to allow the possibility for letting go of the past?

 

[jmni]

You've asked for guidance, and it seems to me that you already have some guidance in your books on forgiveness but you haven't looked at them yet. Is that a fair thing to say?

Yes, that is correct. I purchased them and read a bit but I moved on to something else. I guess it didn't really call out to me as much as other things.

I know you posted quite a similar thread recently about revenge and a number of people made suggestions. Have you tried any of them in a sustained, effortful way? I'm not attached to you trying my own suggestions, by the way, or to any particular suggestion. I'm just wondering about where you are with seriously trying out suggestions in general. You seem to be posting for practical ideas and then you say:

Not really to be honest. I am not the best at continuously trying to apply the things which I learn. I'm kind of a scatterbrain.

You can't both engage with the present and avoid it at the same time.
....
Focussing on past harm and the people who inflicted it seems to be a way of staying away from living in the present. Therefore it's a way of staying away from your fear of something terrible happening in the present. I can't help thinking it's unlikely you'll break away from thinking about the people you hate - or even want to break away, deep down - if it's serving a purpose like that.

I think you really hit on something there. The odd thing is I've felt this way for almost two years now and have gradually become more reclusive. I am so sick of being harassed and putting up with other people and their unfair demands on me, and I have so much pain from how I have been treated, that I just felt it would be easier to keep to myself. I think you are right; in an ironic way keeping my mind in the past is insulating me from the things which I fear. It really stands out to me as a subconscious motivator for all of feelings and thoughts.

Are you working on the fear of something else terrible happening? Maybe that's what you need to focus on in order to allow the possibility for letting go of the past?

Maybe you are right. And I do work on it a bit but not primarily. I guess I could discuss that with my T.

 

[ghotiff]

My idea of forgiveness is sort of being like a saint or Jesus and it seems unfair to me as a person to hold myself up to a standard like that, that is not really realistic. So I am bit lost to that idea as well

I can't see myself every reaching forgiveness in a Jesus type way. I have no plans to provide my abusers with absolution.
Definition of Absolution: act of absolving; a freeing from blame or guilt; release from consequences, obligations, or penalties

You can't both engage with the present and avoid it at the same time

Really interesting thought. Is there something @jmni you can do to engage with the present. Something (even something tiny) that you enjoy or look forward to in the here and now. Maybe that is something to look for.

 

[The Albatross]

For myself, I had to realize that I was trapped in a thinking pattern and after the offending events, was (I decided) basically self abusing because long afterwards, I was nursing the wounds. It fed my substance abuse (alcohol) as well as my PTSD... before I could begin to think of forgiving, I had to deal with the behavioral problem and thinking pattern.

I want to say more but am coming out of a down cycle, so this is the best I can do at the moment.

 

[Caterpillar]

I wish I could empty my mind totally of my feelings towards the people I hate so much. It's like being in lost in a fog. Can anyone provide guidance?

I'd suggest you stop trying to totally empty your mind of the thoughts. IME, this never works very well, especially when the thoughts are valid and justified, as I assume your hatred is. Instead, I would suggest you accept the thoughts, but also acknowledge that they accomplish nothing, and go find something productive to do when your thoughts are stuck ruminating on the hatred. Turn the anger and energy into some activity which is beneficial to you, and if the thoughts keep coming, keep acknowledging them as valid and then continuing with your other activity. Eventually they'll move off into the background.

I have to disagree that forgiveness is some necessity for healing. Some people find it helpful, but it's not something I personally practice. I'm a life-long, dedicated Pagan and forgiveness is mostly a Christian ideal I have little personal use for, even if it has pervaded secular culture. I'm perfectly content to hate the abusers and just plain bad people I've known. I just don't allow these thoughts to consume my life, just as I try not to allow ANY particular thought to consume more resources than it deserves.

I do think my complete lack of guilt or self-hate for my unforgiving nature goes a long way towards making me okay with the hateful thoughts. People have done hateful things to me, so I hate them, and that's perfectly okay.