Hating To Feel Good?

[Red Feather]

Does anybody have similar issues? It has happened to me twice already. I had a good conversation or good experience, and I start to feel lighter and my mind becomes clear and I could think straight again... and then another part of me hates this and feels like it is losing control and quickly goes into this depressive state in which I barely move, recline all engagements and start to curse myself... until I really feel bad and start having suicide ideation again. It is almost like I willfully put myself there.

 

[glenzy1]

I think sometimes we're soo used to feeling down and miserable, that the occasional "good feeling" we have get every soo often seems strange and unreal to us.

glenn

 

[bright_morning]

I can relate to some of this. I don't consciously hate to feel good, but I do have a similar pattern where I "punish" myself for good times, good feelings, or some amount of success.

 

[Hashi]

For me, feeling good is painful because I think how easy things are for other people who feel basically good all the time, and I think about what I've missed and how miserable my life's been and so on. It's not a control thing, though, it's grief. So I hope if I work through that I can get past it.

Nadia, if OK to ask, what do you feel you're losing control of?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi-

hanging onto the good is very hard on me. I do not know why. So I do not have any wisdom to offer you. I can only share from my own personanl experiece. I think some of it is from a habit of doing it for so many years.

Like waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like I am only allowed to feel happy for a short time. I try to keep positive. I am too negative in my thinking. And that has alot todo with it.

I hear something validating and it helps me for a day. But the next day I have to start over. Everyday is a new battle to keep on being positive.

I hope I am not addicted to feeling miserable. But I think it is a habit. I try to do things that uplift my spirits. It is hard. I do not know if this hurts or helps, I hope it helps. Pleasetake gentle care of you, you deserve it.

 

[Philippa]

I think it's also that we feel that deep down we don't deserve to feel good, and we are so used to feeling bad that, as someone else said it is too weird so we revert back to what we are used to, out of comfort.

I've been trying to overcome that for years. I have managed to train myself to feel lighter most of the time, but it has always felt a little alien and the threat of going back to depressive comfort is always there.

I've noticed if I start feeling too good, I will find some people to start taking drugs with so I do stupid shit like I did on the weekend and have one more thing to feel bad about...which is stupid! It is a punishment thing though.

 

[Red Feather]

I think I have a lot of grief. I am trying to understand this myself. The control comes from some fear of having to perform for others... perform my happiness. I think I have done this for so long, a part of me just rebelled. After moving to a new city, I couldnt handle the PTSD because I had lost all my previous resources. And they had also just been faked in a way because my trauma had never really healed... I wasnt even conscious of the trauma somehow. I always had this fear in the back of my mind, that no matter what I did that I was faking myself, and I just didnt want to anymore.