Hatred Of Society After Rape... Please Help.

[FullofWorry]

I have never done this before but I am desperate. While in the military I was raped. It destroyed who I was as well as my self esteem. Since then I get so mad about things that make women look like objects. I mean I am younger and there are no movies that are not for families that you can watch without only nude women. I get mad when I see a strip club. I get mad at all of that... even those stupid silouette mudflaps. I just get so angry and half the time I take it out on my incredible fiance. I fear I will scare him away with this anger... I even get mad when I see a preview for a movie with nudity... I need help. I have talked with a therapist but she doesn't seem to understand my anger... Is anyone in the same shoes. Please help. I don't want to lose the one man that has treated me right.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((FullofWorry))))))

Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for all you have endured.

All your feelings are ok, and perfectly natural.

Are you seeing a T. to help you work through this?

May you find support, healing, and hope here.

Keep reading, sharing, and most of all...being kind to yourself. You've been through an awful experience and you deserve gentle words and healing.

It will not always be this hard.

 

[Lucycat]

Hi Fullofworry!

I am so sorry for what has happened to you. But believe me there are plenty of folk here to empathise and understand your story. You wont lose your man, just take it easy.

Regards

Lucy x

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi,

I have been through this too (the trauma, that is). I've always blamed myself too much to get angry. But I think what you are feeling is natural, and that even though some of those things may seem to be (to others) an "over-reaction" it isn't about all the little things, but about what happened to you. And, it's true, women are objectified often in our society, and expected to be a certain way, even if a lot of it is unconscious, and based on the framework the media has created. I think that is also a justifiable reason to be angry. But if it is affecting your life, and your relationship, it's just my opinion, but I think that is a more personal anger about what was done to you. And also maybe an empathy, as I get quite upset if I feel, say, a women is being blamed for an assault or something that relates to my own issues, because I relate. So it becomes personal, even when it's not "about me". If that makes sense.

I think if your therapist cannot understand your anger, you probably need a new therapist. Just my opinion again, but I don't see how you can heal if the person who is helping you cannot even validate or comprehend how you feel, or why. And I think you have a very good reason to be very angry. And sometimes... Not always... But I know I have discovered this with a certain trauma myself recently... It turns out that there are emotions under the anger. It sounds to me like you are getting triggered (the nudity in movies etc.) and in general, anger is considered a "secondary emotion", which means there is usually a primary emotion, such as hurt or fear, that a person experiences, or as a way of protecting the self from danger (or perceived danger). It doesn't just come out of the blue, and for no reason. So that is either there, or you've passed through the original primary emotions and processed those already.

You will be able to process this as well, and after you have done that, it will not rule your life this way any more. You may get triggers, but it won't be all-encompassing, or on a daily basis.

 

[LittleBear]

Phoenix_Rising,

Were you born brilliant or did it take you awhile?

I've known two rape victims and the most common question it seems they were asked was, "What did you do to cause it?"

Humanity and its stupidity sometimes shocks me into catatonic slobbering with my head held backwards at an angle.

(Full of worry), peace and if you need to rant and feel your fiance is about to catch it simply tell him to hold on a minute and tell him you'll be right back. Then log-in here and rant on sister...we'll be here.

LBear

 

[olaja]

Hello FullofWorry.

I want to post in solidarity with your experience, but I am having trouble because I am getting flooded.

Welcome to the forums, and I wish you healing.

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi, Littlebear, and thanks for the compliment :).

I'd say I'm a naturally intelligent and insightful person (I tend to be very reflective) but I've also been working on myself for a long time and learned a lot along the way. I was also on the receiving end of that type of attitude for a lot of years, and that has instilled in me a great deal of empathy and compassion for others, and an understanding of what it is like to struggle with something in life.

I've since come to understand that although my experiences left me with a lot of negative "baggage" so to speak, they have also given me gifts in my character, and I never thought I was particularly unique in that regard. I thought others were the same. But I have learned that actually many people are not that way. As you and I have both observed, a lot of people really can be ignorant, callous, self-righteous, quick to blame and judge, etc.

Phoenix_Rising

 

[olaja]

I have refrained from commenting on the bit about "what did you do" in Little Bear's post because it made me too enraged. I hope as we move forward that ignorance will be healed. We have a long way to go. People are still stoning rape victims for adultery in some parts of the world.

 

[Elisacullen21]

Welcome to the forum.
I was raped when I was 10 years old, so I'm united to you. You can message me if you need to talk. I'm here for you :)

 

[Lucille]

Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry to hear about your rape and the trouble you've been having since. Most of us here know the kind of rage that absolutely burns you up inside. It can't help but rear its ugly head, and sadly, our loved ones are on the receiving end of that misdirected anger all too often.

I was sexually assaulted a few years ago, and I can completely relate to your triggers about objectifying women. There was a single weekend last year when there were 3 rape claims on my college campus. It turns out that the first one was a real rape and the other two were just crying wolf to escape the shame of their drunken sexual acts. Everyone around school was discounting the real rape because of it. It made me furious, both at the people discounting the real rape and at the stupid girls who made it even worse for her and all other real victims of sexual assault. I also get triggered if I see attempted sexual assaults on TV or in movies. Guys making comments about girls liking rough sex also get to me.

These things touch us deep into our souls where we are hurting from what happened to us. It's only natural that they cause so much anger. I've also learned that it's part of the healing process to get angry at these reminders of what happened. Sometimes it's just easier to take it out on little things that aren't actually threatening you. Over time you will be able to separate them from what happened. Your body just needs to grieve for what you've been through. The world is a cruel place, and sometimes it's hard to see the good in it. But if we don't try, the people who hurt us win.

Sending lots of hugs your way :inlove:

Let me know if you need to talk! We are all here to help each other get through this

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

I also get triggered by scenes in movies, and also where women or girls are describing what happened to them. Or conversations about it, if people are just talking about it (even if it is just in general and no one knows about what happened to me).

 

[Abrasky]

It is a normal thing I think to be angry at a community after something you have gone through. I found that when I was attacked (not sexual but abuse years before) the attack was also on the community. Bad things/ views can come across from the abusive person. I was so angry, I just do things to make the community angry, became rebellious.

It was just a lot of claptrap. But when your life is threatened you believe the person who assaults you. It can then be hard to overcome your defences to connect with people even when that is the thing that actually saves you in the first place.

I couldnt' even stand near a road for 5 years without having a panic attack because of witnessing my dad telling my mum she was a slut seeking men when she went out to work in the afternoon because she had put some eyeshadow on. Oh gosh the eyeshadow watch how scary it is. Next thing you know eyeshadow will be escaping the stores and flyign around with green lights surrounding them picking up all the Brad pitt lookalikes.:eek:

Establishing trust takes a long time. I did buy a book which was helpful. Dead Link Removed. You might find that helpful to your healthy relationship.

I was assaulted by someone a year ago (a medical examination that went a bit wrong). I guess I blame myself a bit too. But I concented to a post-birth examination, I would never be able to prove anything, and by the time the exam was over, It was only then I realised what had happened was not strictly medical or the doctor was really unprofessional. Just could only use my power only to see female doctors not at this surgery after this. Not all men are like this, just the dodgy few. Not really anything like you experienced, but thought it might help to know it helps to remember there are good men out there that are honorable.(not that one)

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