Poll Have You Ever Had Survival Sex?

[Philippa]

I think in terms of morality because I did easily and would do it again. I don't believe it hurts me it just makes me wonder if I am a good person.

I was in conflict with this just the other day...and I concluded that being a good person is not defined by what I do for money, and you also have to take into account the sum total of all your actions in this lifetime, and look back on them acknowledging yourself I think.

I had the confusion of 'friends' telling me "oh what about morals?" and then quickly catch themselves saying it and realizing their priorities were out of whack, and say instead "what about your safety?" which left me with that seed in my head. When I stopped doing it the first time (I really only stayed long enough to save money for rent and bond, as I had lost my other job and the rent on my place had gone up, so I needed to move and also find new work...which was extremely stressful.) my friends were all relieved.

Also (and this is a new thought) I wonder if I feel a bit grateful to those men that groomed me in the first place and give me prostitution to so easily fall back on too. The money was very good. I'll have to talk to the therapist about that one.

This was something I was interested to know, but it really seemed very wrong to ask.

 

[ericaboo]

As a young woman, I was in an environment/locale where I was propositioned all the time, and I was on and off between being homeless/addicted/mentally ill, and not having enough money for food, gas, etc. I got kicked out of my family home young, and was completely estranged from them for years. I lived with an ex-boyfriend and got free rent and drugs for "benefits" while he dated other women seriously. I worked as a cocktail waitress (illegally) at the age of 19. Etc. Etc.

Back then, I would always say no to an outright proposition, but if people would try to be subtle like they were actually interested in a relationship, when it was obvious they were just dangling the things I needed/wanted in front of me so I would satisfy their needs, I would "take advantage." (Actually I was the one being exploited)

Funny how I looked at it - that I was the one in control, I was the one "taking advantage." It wouldn't have been acceptable to me to believe I was being "taken advantage of." (Can you say denial?) Probably there were some events of outright prostitution, but I rationalized them as something else. I don't remember everything that happened during that time.

I guess it was a case of passive aggressive, low self esteem, self injurious, addictive, immature behavior, and then you can throw in that whole aspect of creating a repetition of the sexual abuse I had experienced as a child...

Nonetheless, it was a dangerous game, and I got myself in some very dicey, life threatening situations doing that stuff. I was definitely playing with fire, and after getting burned a couple of times, through violence, stalking, etc. - I moved to new towns, twice, before shaking off that behavior and moving into several long term (but unhealthy) relationships.

That period of my life did end up being a major part of my trauma because I was physically abused in permanent ways that I still deal with and put myself in situations where I feared for my life. It definitely affects my current relationships, and most of my nightmares - every night - involve being homeless, stalked, broke and terrified in a large metro city at night.

If it wasn't for meds, I wouldn't be able to sleep through the night. Yikes.

 

[Philippa]

Actually, your post reminded me of a time when I was 21 and experiencing a deep crisis, very depressed and needed to get away from my mother and my hometown.

I moved in with a man I met on the street in sydney, who gave me what I think was ketamine in a club I agreed to go to with him. I was supposed to be staying with my ex boyfriend, but as he did not turn up at his house when we were supposed to meet, I was left to walk the streets.

So, I went home with this man, totally out of it, and seeing double of everything. I don't know what was really in the powder he gave me, but it wasn't just normal ketamine? He gave me cocaine when we got to his house, and as much weed as I wanted. I slept with him that night, but I didn't really want to. I ended up moving in with him for a year and a half and working for him (he didn't pay me for 11 months, and kept making excuses.) but I got fed for free, had as much weed as I wanted (even though I was trying to stop all drugs at that point.) and had a roof over my head.

It was not how I wanted it. I wanted to pay my own way, and have my own money, but he never paid me, and I was stubborn about going on social security at the time, even though I was very sad and probably should have been on disability pension. I had no money, no independence, and a man who would lecture me constantly...as though he were my teacher.

I never looked at it as being exploited until I was living with another man a few years later, after I'd been sexually assaulted. He tried to help me with centrelink, whom I owed money to, by appealing to them for a compassionate pardon of the debt. I was not comfortable with this, as I did not think of myself as having been exploited at all. Looking back though, he was right. I was exploited for free labor (which the man then told me I did not do enough to deserve any money for months later.) I had sex with him a few times a week and he thought we were in love. I was not in love with him, and I cheated on him with a young man I met on a bus one day. I even left a letter that I wrote to him exposing us, deliberately under the bed, so he would find it and kick me out! That is how hard I found it to reject this person.

I ended up taking his whole crop of marijuana, that he'd been cultivating, one day while he was away on a job interstate, and moved in with another man (who was even worse) It was out of the fire and into the fry pan. I never thought of it as having survival sex, as I kinda blocked that whole period out I was so disgusted with myself...but I did the same with the next man. I just went from one place to another, sleeping with men for shelter. I was very lost and in a crisis at the time. Very unstable and with no help whatsoever...financially, emotionally, or psychologically. I had no money to see a counselor and it was a very dark time for me.

I feel compassion for myself now to speak about it finally here in a place where I won't be judged for it. I'm very grateful that you started this thread Ayesha. It is helping me to deal with stuff I haven't looked at for many years.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I feel compassion for myself now to speak about it finally here in a place where I won't be judged for it.

Me too Philippa. I feel I am learning so much about myself. I feel like I am accepting another piece of myself. Another part of my life is being processed and I am working through it. :)

 

[Philippa]

It was too awful to look at back then, and I felt like I'd never be able to. I just felt so stupid and ...well, stupid for letting these people in my life in any way. It goes to show how determined I was to get away from my mother and from my hometown and everything I was going through at the time. I'm surprised I did not end up a fully fledged heroin addict.

I could have turned around and fled back home with my tail in between my legs, but I was too proud for that.

 

[ericaboo]

(((Philippa)))

Wow - that's exactly the same thing I went through and felt. I feel lucky to be alive after what happened during that time!

 

[QueenOfPaws]

After this past years incident I was distraught and left on my own with my dogs to care for so I made the mistake of getting into the porn industry for quick cash. The money was not worth the long term emotional effects.

 

[Philippa]

(((Philippa)))

Wow - that's exactly the same thing I went through and felt. I feel lucky to be alive after what happened during that time!

Really? I'd never even considered anyone else in the world would have done the same thing as me...ever. I never spoke about it to anyone...even counselors I had trouble bringing it up to. I just thought it was so profoundly stupid of me that I couldn't mention it ever again.

It's a strange feeling of relief to know I'm not alone about this particular behavior.

Did you feel as stupid ericaboo?

 

[Philippa]

After this past years incident I was distraught and left on my own with my dogs to care for so I made the mistake of getting into the porn industry for quick cash. The money was not worth the long term emotional effects.

Yeah, I'm starting to question the same after an incident that happened last night, which left me feeling revulsion. A 'dissatisfied customer' who complained about me...but really, nothing I could have done would have pleased this guy. He said I had "too many boundaries", and I just kept standing up to him saying that boundaries are a good thing and I'd appreciate it if he respected mine more.

He told me I was 'rude' for standing up to him, and 'too rough', even though I did my best to adapt my massage style to his preference...nothing was good enough for him, and his attitude made me all tense, which he then also complained about. he literally was clueless about how to treat a woman, but instead of looking at his own part to play, he blamed me for being bad at my job.

I figure, there will always be customers like this in any service industry though. It did leave me feeling really stained though...but I think I handled him quite well, and got over it fairly quickly. I had some good customers after him who made it all better. It did leave me feeling disrespected, but there are so many liars where I work, how could I expect to feel honored?

The money is good, and I get more good customers than bad, so that is what I am trying to keep in mind. I don't really want to be worn into the ground over this though. It can really take it out of a person. I'm not sure how long I will last, and I have my old job to fall back on if I decide I can't handle it any more.

 

[ericaboo]

Did you feel as stupid ericaboo?

No, not stupid. I was so consumed with anger, and blamed everything that happened to me on other people - especially my family. I didn't care what happened to me, as long as it would numb out the anger and/or hurt myself and therefore hurt them.

I had (have?) a very immature, egotistical, suicidal, martyr-like attitude, and felt that whatever I had to do to get my needs met, and whoever got hurt along the way was all their own fault for putting me in that situation.

I felt (feel?) that my life was irreparably wrecked anyway, and so it didn't matter what I did. Who could have known I would live on, continuing in pain for all these years until I actually began to find some healing.

When people talk about dying, I usually say - "You should be so lucky." By which I mean, mostly we just have to go on suffering until we finally take up the reins of our lives and decide to pursue healing for our own good, and stop suffering in order to spite others.

I don't feel stupid - I still feel that I did my best under the circumstances, and I simply wasn't able to begin healing until much later in life... I do feel guilty for anyone who was hurt along the way - often I was wrong. Nobody deserved my wrath and I'm still very sorry for that.

Wow - It felt good to write that down. :confused:

 

[Philippa]

Oh ok, then we do have some differences to our stories there.

I was not consumed with anger at the time. I was mainly sad, and who knows, there may have been anger underneath all that which didn't surface until much later? I did not have the same attitude that other people were to blame for me being int he situation. I tended to be too careful about hurting anyone else, except when it came to them f*cking me around...and then it was fair game and I didn't care if I ripped that guy off. He didn't pay me for nearly a years work where I had no money of my own and he did it deliberately to keep me dependant on him. But even then, when I was in a better place I ended up replacing the weed I stole because I felt bad about it.

I had come to a point where I saw blaming other people to be disempowering for me in the long run, so I was very careful to not fall into that trap. I like to look at what part I also played, and be realistic. Unfortunately, my family are not into that...and actually what you said about the martyr like role you take on, sounds very much like my mother...only she gives me crap about playing the victim, when she does it more than anyone.:rolleyes:

My anger did not really surface until about 2 years ago, and I didn't realise it, but people I know from another forum have confirmed that my anger was leaking out all over the place, only I didn't seem to notice. I apparently 'attacked' a great many people on that forum, but I did not see it as attack at all, I was just very blunt with them, which some people take as an attack.

I was angry...and I am angry still, but I have a better grip on it now, and I do my best not to inflict it on anyone else. I got kicked out of home the last time I let my anger loose...and ended up in a DV shelter. I don't want that to happen again.

 

[Finding Shawna]

I have never had sex for money or drugs or for a place to stay, but I've had sex simply for comfort and affection, which I was craving so much that I wanted to kill myself if I didn't get even just a bit of affection. I don't know if that counts as survivor sex..

I can relate, sex was the drug. It made me feel wanted, needed. I have been in some unhealty relationships....I always wondered what was wrong with me, I always catered to my man....he always had it so good. In return I just wanted to feel wanted. After break ups, I would be very promiscuous. Trying to heal my broken heart. I never really felt bad about it, until lately....:(