Have You Ever Wanted (or Tried) To Hide From Your Therapist?

[Saria]

Have you ever felt so ashamed in therapy that you wanted to disappear and sink into the ground? I’m guessing at least some of you have, but have you ever found yourself in a small office literally hiding from your T?! This actually happened to me today, I guess I brought hide and seek to a whole new level...

On a more serious note, what happened today was that my T suddenly asked a lot of questions about a sexual assault that I’ve never talked about before, and wanted me to tell her details about what happened. I should probably already say that I'm not very good at setting boundaries or speaking up when I'm uncomfortable.

So.. I guess I wanted to be "a good patient” and thought it would help, so I decided to try to tell her some of the things that happened, even though it meant switching between some sort of dissociative state and feeling as shameful as I’ve never been. This is where the hiding comes in. The chairs in my T’s office are some sort of stressless chairs that are turnable. Talking about the assault was so extremely shameful that I felt myself turning the chair 180 degrees so my T wouldn’t see me at all, and I sat like that for the rest of my session. It felt so stupid! I didn't know what to do, and just sat there feeling like a little child completely out of my comfort zone. She didn’t mention it at all, and just kept asking questions even though I obviously was way out of my window of tolerance. And I’m still a mess 9 hours later.

I’ve seen my T every week for about 6 months, and have previously questioned her lack of explaining stuff to me, which often make me anxious and confused because I don’t know what’s going on or why talking about the stuff we do is supposed to help (is psychodynamic therapy always like this?). And after today’s shameful session I’m even more confused, and have no idea if what we’re doing is helpful at all. At the same time I have a better relation with her than with any of my other T's, so I don't really know what to do.

I guess what I’m asking is this: Is talking about your trauma helpful even when you feel overwhelmed and can’t even face your T? Have you ever experienced the feeling of wanting to sink into the ground and/or found any ways to deal with this shame in therapy? Can exposure to the trauma do more harm than good, if it’s not done with an experienced trauma therapist?

As I’m unsure of whether this is normal or if I should consider signing up for a wait list for a different psychologist specializing in trauma therapy, I’m thankful for any thoughts or input you may have

 

[Changing4Best]

After a suicide attempt, yes. I was expecting a lecture, but she was more interested in understanding what lead up to it. She wanted to know, that since I had planned it for 4 months, why I had not talked to her about all the things that contributed to my decision to do it. I had gotten lectures from various people in the hospital, so I figured she would give me one, but she didn't exactly do so. She wanted to understand. That was much better than a lecture.

I think it is helpful to deal with present life stuff than trauma. My therapist does CBT on me, which deals with stuff that is going on in my life now. Tell her you wish to stay more with the present and you are not up to discussing the trauma any more. She should honor that, as far as I know.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm a bit bothered that she wanted details the first time you disclosed the trauma!

I'd say to find a trauma therapist. This is an instance of how "normal" therapists, ie those not trained to handle trauma, can actually make things worse! There is a world of difference between those trained to treat trauma and those who have no experience with it. A trauma therapist would not press you for details because a trauma therapist would know that it could make your dissociation worse.

That is, what works for someone without trauma doesn't work for those of us with trauma. In general, talking about things is good, but when dealing with trauma, extra precautions need to be taken. This therapist isn't taking those precautions with you. I say find a trauma therapist, someone who knows how to handle this stuff.


ETA


I have firsthand experience. Yes, indeed, working with a non-trauma trained therapist who pushes you to talk about it can make symptoms worse. Its important to process trauma in a safe environment. Talking about the trauma doesn't amount to a hill of beans beyond breaking the silence. That is, you can talk about your trauma until you are blue in the face and it won't give you healing if you're not actually processing the trauma itself. This is why you need a trauma therapist, someone who can take you through the processing.

 

[Born to Run]

my T suddenly asked a lot of questions about a sexual assault that I’ve never talked about before, and wanted me to tell her details about what happened

If you have never talked about it before it is for a good reason, and a therapist should never take the lead in areas you have not explored at all. I understand you wanted to hide. This is terrible.

It felt so stupid! I didn't know what to do, and just sat there feeling like a little child completely out of my comfort zone. She didn’t mention it at all, and just kept asking questions even though I obviously was way out of my window of tolerance. And I’m still a mess 9 hours later.

You are not to blame and not stupid! She kept asking questions?!?! This is bad therapy, and no wonder you are still a mess. I feel sorry for what happened to you.

Yes, talking about your trauma is helpful, but under the right circumstances. That is you should be allowed to set the pace, and a trauma therapist will respect this pace. Your therapist showed a lot of insensitivity today and it can do you more harm than good.

Oh and no I have never had to hide from my therapist as he is the most sensitive trauma therapist I have met and will never ever bombard me with questions about something I have never really opened up about myself.

 

[StellaBlue]

I agree 100% with @Solara and @Born to Run. Like you, I wanted to be a "good" patient, so I tried "exposure" therapy with a non-trauma therapist who I loved and trusted and ended up totally retraumatized. It wasn't his fault and I know he meant well, but I now have a very healthy respect for the concept of "slow is fast".

From what I understand and am now experiencing, a good trauma therapist is going to walk you through the trauma(s) very slowly - keeping a good eye on where you are at each step - dipping in, coming out - grounding, then trying again. The key is to build up your tolerance to it - not to overwhelm or flood yourself.

I also want to add - you did nothing wrong...the shame is understandable but probably not valid.

 

[barefoot]

I agree with others who have posted. I think effective therapy can be difficult, uncomfortable and can raise challenging feelings (such as shame). But I also definitely think that discussing trauma with a non-trauma therapist who doesn't understand the nuances of trauma clients/treatments can do more harm than good and, at worst, could be re-traumatising and really set an individual back. My therapist has said all along that we cannot and will not rush. There have been times when I've felt frustrated with myself for not being able to speak much about it and impatient because I sometimes 'waste time' dissociating and other times when I've just really wanted to be a 'good client' and try to show my therapist how much progress I'm making...And she always tells me that we're not going to force it by taking a sledgehammer to it, because it will come, in time, when I'm ready.

That said, there are still times when I feel ashamed during therapy and don't want to be seen. I have a habit during sessions of holding a glass of water in front of my face so that she can't see me and definitely can't make eye contact with me. She told me a couple of weeks ago that I used to spend pretty much the whole session like that. But apparently now I do it just before I start to dissociate! :-)

Experiencing that level of shame when you just want to crawl out of your skin and disappear is horrible. But if you can bear to work with that in therapy, I believe it can be worthwhile and have positive outcomes. But it needs to be the right therapist with the right knowledge/experience and one who will prioritise keeping you feeling safe and secure.

 

[GWhizz]

My T actually used to get me to turn my chair 180 to try see if it helped my ability to open up so it sounds like you did something naturally smart to help ground you through this difficult process. In saying that, I tend to use a scarf to hide behind most of the time lol. But like others above I also ended up retraumatised from allowing exposure therapy to be pushed on me before I'd built the proper coping skills. It ruined my trust I'd built in my T as I didn't set out clear limits on my boundaries.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I used to hide pretty much 100% of the time from a therapist, but for me, it was a really weird mixtures of flashbacks and panic mixed with knowing I was in the safest possible place in the world. Mostly, I was reacting to his gender, which, obviously, he couldn't change about himself. I'd challenge myself to hide a little bit less every week, even if it only meant I could face him for two or three minutes. Hard work, but working through it helped resolve a lot of deep seated fear I held for all men, so it was worth it.

He didn't challenge me on the hiding; just let me do it. I don't know if I would have ever come back if he asked me to stop. And he was probably the most well-qualified trauma therapist around, so it wasn't about lack of training on his behalf.

 

[The Albatross]

Nope. My shrink was a service provider. I didn't feel shame.

 

[GWhizz]

Can you continue to see this T for general support while wait-listing a trauma specialist?

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think your course of action might depend on how much you like the therapist and feel that 'click' we all want. For me, I wanted to work through things with this particular therapist. Other ones - wanted and did run from them metaphorically screaming like hell.

 

[falling_wave]

Ive never actually hidden but I have felt that I just want to sink into the floor and dissapear feeling. I tend to want to be the good patient too and I have high standards for myself so I let myself be very open and vulnerable with her. I have unconsious physical reactions to that level of submissiveness which I dont ever tell her but after doing so all shame aside I am so glad I do. She helps me so much and after all the pain I can work with what she has given me to heal.