Having A Relationship With The Main Contributors

[mindgames63]

Well my mum has been making me feel like shit for years. My Ptsd came around because I had a dysfunctional upbringing which prompted a dysfunctional social setting and severe bullying at school. My life was my mothers life and money was hers too. Its only when I got married and moved out that I started to know what life was about and what was right and normal. My dad whos passed is not mentioned because he was bullied by my mother and basically lived in her shadow. My mother has never had any regard for my feelings. Her visits throughout the years were far and few and lately none at all. She has her circle of favorites mainly the siblings that are financially well off and have more exciting things going on in their lives. She sees me as the unstable loser who cant keep a job, I lost three jobs due to this disorder. She boasts on her successful children. I dont see myself as a loser because I have skills to fall back on and I am married with two beautiful children and a caring and supportive partner. Lately she couldn't make a trip by car she being the passenger to see my son who had day surgery a 30 min trip, yet I know that two weeks prior she travelled 11/2 hour to see my brother, his family and their new residence. Well I am sick and tired of always acknowledging her when she has no interest in my life. She is elderly and I have never wanted to upset her so I have always turned the other cheek and let things go put up with the hurt of her disregard towards me but the wound runs much deeper when my son is involved.

 

[franciemarnie]

I am sorry you had to grow up with such a sick and cruel person. I always turned the cheek too...until the cruelty was focused on someone I loved. Then - look out!!

You are not alone.

 

[mindgames63]

Thanks for your kind comment and support franciemarnie its comforting to know its not my fault.

 

[franciemarnie]

No way is it your fault. No way in a million years.

I sense the tremendous love and kindness you have. It takes super human strength and transcendence to turn the other cheek, to see and understand, but you can see as can I that it is not okay for others to be unkind towards those we love.

Someday I hope I can see and feel it so clearly and instantly when that cruelty is turned towards me. But for me - dissociating can have a hand in it too. I'm glad it doesn't happen when I see injustice towards others.

Hug offered if okay.

 

[jd9900]

A lot of what you say resonates with me. I have lived in an abusive relationship with my mother for a long time up until recently.

Firstly - this is just my opinion, but you don't sound like a "loser" whatsoever. *smiles* Actually, you sound a lot like me, but for some slightly different reasons.

A lot of my issues stem from the fact that I was the "favorite." My brother and sister resented me for it, and I was constantly abused emotionally because I "Didn't live up to expectations." It seemed many of my options had been stripped from me and I was constantly resented in a house that was supposed to be my home.

Bullying was also a constant problem for me. It started when I was maybe three or so. I actually remember it pretty vividly. For some reason I have always had a way with numbers (Ask me to remember your name and I am a lost cause, but numbers, I get.)

I remember my brother and sister, both older than me, putting math problems on a chalk board (yes, I am old. :) ) As I would solve them, they would put harder ones on the chalk board. I would solve those. I watched my parents' eyes go wide, and from that day on not only was I held to a very high standard, but unfairly, my siblings were as well.

It took many years and far too many drinks than I am proud of, but I finally got the courage to address my mother (my father passed when I was younger, so I can also relate to that. I am so sorry for your loss.)

For me, I had to cut her out of my life. For months. She is actually still cut out of my life. I cannot live with a constant trigger like that. I will go insane.

I am hoping that as I...evolve through this disorder, and learn how to live with it better, I can bring her back into my life. But until I have...safeguards in place, I guess is a good way to put it, emotionally...I can't do it. It's sad, and I love and miss her, But I have to learn how to better deal with this before I can rebuild our relationship.

I turned the other cheek as well. For almost 37 years. Then I watched as I was turning...cancerous. Toxic. I was not a healthy person to be around, and both my wife and kids could see this. I realized that for the sake of my family...my wife and children...I can't do this dance with my mother anymore.

My best advice would be to tell her basically what you said here. That you feel like she is making you feel like a lesser person, and tell her why. Try not to get emotional. Just be as calm and open and honest with her as you can be about your feelings. I was saying this earlier, but for me, it helps to write notes, so maybe an email would be a good idea, or something like that.

If you feel yourself having an episode, or getting too emotional, tell her that you need some time to calm down and relax and take however much time you need to unwind.

I wish you the best - I know it is a crappy position.

 

[mindgames63]

Thanks again franciemarnie for your kind words and I accept your hug please accept mine. Thanks also to jd9900 for your advice I hope you do make amends and things work out for you.