Having A Rough Time After My Appointment

[ShodokanJenn]

So I had an appointment with my therapist today. We went back to work with the exposure therapy. I talked, out loud without writing it first, about when I was six. I was so swollen down there from all that my grandfather had been doing, that when the cult leader tried to force himself inside he couldn't. So he got a knife. As soon as I saw it, I started to dissociate. I felt it as he cut me open, but I was far enough gone that it didn't really hurt. I remember a brief flash of pain as he pushed his way in, and then nothing until I was laying in bed that night.

As much as I hate how intrusive it is now, sometimes dissociation is a real gift. I don't think I could have physically survived some of the things that happened to me without it. And I KNOW I wouldn't have survived with my humanity intact without it. Anyway, two weeks later I went back to my dad's. I was still bleeding from the cut. I was scared he would see the blood when he washed my pants, so I begged him to teach me to do my own laundry. I never let him see the blood. My grandfather always said if anyone ever found out what *I* did, I would never see my mom again.

And despite the fact that each trip out there meant a maximum of 24 hours with her and the rest with my grandparents, as well as the cult leader and the rest of the group, to me those 24 hours were heaven and I couldn't imagine losing them. So I did everything I could think of to keep my secret. The scar from this incident was jagged and painful until it was surgically reconstructed at the same time as my first endometriosis surgery.

I can't believe how lucid and calm I was as I told my therapist about this. I am not calm anymore. My heart is racing, I am dizzy and sweating and I am terrified of nothing and everything at the same time.

 

[ghotiff]

I've felt that ability to say things but later react.

Can you do something self soothing now. You just did something very brave, now is the time to be gentle with yourself. Do you have a list of self soothing options, or would you like some suggestions.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

@ghotiff Thank you. I do have self soothing I can do. And I am doing so. It's just that the reactions right now are overriding the positives. I'll keep trying though.

 

[ghotiff]

What helps me is reminding myself that the reactions will pass. Not to diminish how horrible they are, it just helps me to know they will lessen and pass.

 

[Heather]

My heart goes out to you. You are a true survivor in every sense of the word. Hang in there.

Heather

 

[Renestel]

Well first off ShodokanJenn, I want to first tell you my heart absolutely BREAKS for you. Being someone who has experienced childhood molestation, I feel your story is absolutely tragic and you are SO STRONG for getting through this, getting through the surgery, getting out of the cult situation...
While my past isn't as violent as yours, I can totally relate with your talk about disassociation. I too, feel like if I couldn't have "shut off", that I wouldn't be here today. It can be a gift. It's amazing what people and animals can do to survive. Here's my two cents because I started going to a therapist in 2014 when all of my incidents happened 1993, 2000, 2002, 2004, and 2012. I somehow was able to bury all this nastiness and disassociate the whole time up until 2013 when I was a cook and men were throwing pots and pans at me and belittling the few women tough enough to work there. Then going to a therapist to be told you've have PTSD for over a decade and you couldn't realize it because you'd rather not deal with this huge tomb of disgusting pain actually made me worse. But think of it this way: Getting it out is going to be dark, sad, dirty and messy. But you have to get it out for the health of yourself. Once I got over letting it out ( I was strangely calm and super open with my therapist too) I think your body appreciates your mind LETTING it out. It is literally baggage. A weight, a burden, something that made me very mysteriously ill for many years. I too, like you would come home and either want to punch the crap out of something or sleep because I literally exhausted myself.
My advice for you, I'm not sure all will agree, but it has helped me and I need to keep doing MORE of it, (lately I've been hiding in my house, my insurance told me a few months ago my therapist is out of network and I quit going ) but something that helps in and out of therapy sessions when you are feeling this way is taking your emotions out on sports, art, activities. Some sessions were so tough I would come home and sing so loud the neighbors would mention it. But get it out. I got into MMA, or even get a punching bag. You have TOTALLY legitimate reasons to be really angry/upset. Give yourself the gift of embracing yourself and allowing what is rightfully yours-which is to grieve what happened to you. It's NOT easy. But even if you want to further talk about it, please feel totally free to private message me. I would love to share any experiences that could help you because you have been through hell and you're a true survivor.

 

[ShodokanJenn]

@Heather Thank you for your kind words.

@Renestel Thank you so much. My childhood was filled with violence - this is just one of way too many things. I know therapy works. We have been able to eradicate several flashbacks completely. It's just that there are so many. If I let myself think about it, it's completely overwhelming.

I have my blackbelt in Shodokan Tae Kwan Do. I usually work out, attend class, and teach every day. But after my last hospitalization, my psychiatrist took me off my pain meds. Without them, my leg hurts so much I can barely walk. Working out is totally out of the question. I am having a really hard time coping without martial arts. It's like half my life has been ripped away.

I see her again next Friday. I am hoping when I explain the impact it is having, she'll agree to restart the pain meds. I have had surgery 23 times in the last 5 years on my leg. There is a lot of damage to it. I did not have any withdrawals or cravings with the abrupt stop, so I know I am not addicted to them.

Anyway, thank you again.

 

[Renestel]

Oh my gosh- 23 surgeries??!! Dude-you're such a rock star.
I love that you are open minded and test yourself on if pain meds are becoming any sort of need or withdrawal situation-good for you. I agree you should ask to go back on.
Okay how about this- I also found the new "adult coloring books" extremely helpful. (I got tons for Christmas)
You can color angry or you can color to where it puts me in an artistic meditation. Would you feel like giving that a whirl? There are no harsh judgements whether or not you are or are no a big artist... It's your book! ;)

 

[ShodokanJenn]

My dad actually got me one with some really nice markers for Christmas. I will give it a whirl, for sure. Thank you for the suggestion!

 

[Renestel]

Yeah hope you find a good outlet soon and your pain issues become more tolerable. Hey if nothing else- since you are great at martial arts- you can always sit or squat to protect your leg and you can set up a 3x4 board between two objects to go "Kill Bill" on and get the anger out while you focus your energy.