Having Breakdowns When I Hug Carer

[Unhinged]

I am hoping that if I write this out it will stop so i can sleep. For the past week or so it seems like I've been getting worse overall. Anxiety has gone overboard, on top of everything else.

But within these past few days a new problem has started. Everytime I hug my carer or he hugs me I can't help but start to cry. Up until tonight it hasn't been really bad, but as I was laying here in bed watching hulu (like I do everynight while he sleeps beside me) I heard him whimper like he was having a nightmare so i rolled over to check on him. I slid my had across his back to hug him and he felt ice cold. I was instantly flooded with the feeling that 1. I was going to loose him, and 2. this is how his body will feel when he is dead.

So I lost it. Totally lost it. Until tonight he didn't know that I have been crying when we hug. After I calmed down some I was able to tell him but I still just can't shake this feeling. It is like every patient I have ever lost is right here, their cold skin at my fingure tips.

 

[Tinyflame]

This might not help Unhinged, and I realize it's a trigger- perhaps the touch more accurately a flashback- but I think that if you can hug and be hugged back, that very fact means the other person is alive and *well*.