Having Ptsd And Witnessing Verbal Abuse Between Parents

[BlackbirdSinging]

I've recently been told by my therapist that the "mean" behavior from my mom to my dad that is very hard for me to witness is actually verbal abuse. It's been going on for years. Now I'm in a position where I have to live at home as an adult. And I see this happening on a regular basis.

Watching it is very hard. I'm close to my dad. And he's one of the places I feel the most safe. Obviously witnessing abuse is hard for anyone at any age. My question is this what does it do what affect does it have especially on someone with PTSD to witness verbal abuse?

I know what it is to experience it because I did for more than 6 years with my ex husband. It's very hard to see and it's triggering too. I know that this is affecting me. I'm just wondering what the impact can really be. Does anyone have any experience with this? I'm very curious to know how others have dealt with this.

 

[xena21]

Are you witnessing it now between your parents, or have they stopped?

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Are you witnessing it now

It happened a little while ago actually. But it happens almost everyday.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think verbal abuse, is kind of sticky ground. Some people just express themselves by effing and blinding at each other. Some people live happily like that, some are effected by it.

I'm sorry if that sounds vague, but it's as if you're looking for your feelings to be pathologised, ie shouting = verbal abuse = you will feel XY and the effect on you will be Z. But that's not how feelings or effects work.

What you are feeling is what you personally are feeling about this, and the effect it has on you will be personal too.

Perhaps it would help to keep a check on how you feel and when (or what has been happening), and how it is effecting you. So you might write: Parents shouting about... - feel anxious, scared something bad will happen - hide out in my room under the blanket.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

it's as if you're looking for your feelings to be pathologised

I guess what I'm trying to do is come to terms with and process what I'm seeing and hearing and how it's making me feel.

It's more than shouting. There is a lot of blaming yelling name calling insults accusations and controlling behavior. What I mean to ask is if anyone else had this going on around them as they tried to heal how they coped with it.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@BlackbirdSinging, I think it would help you to get in touch with how you are feeling, was what I was trying to convey. The technique suggested is something that could hopefully help you to do that.

It's obviously not the best environment to be living in, but I'm guessing that you have no other choice at the moment.

 

[Spiderallis]

@[DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/meadowsweet.11684/"]Meadowsweet[/DLMURL] makes a good point, some people are content to communicate in that way. I'm not saying it's healthy, but that's their choice.

A therapist I saw when I was much younger suggested taking on the perspective of an "anthropologist from Mars" when dealing with portions of my family. I observed how they interacted like I'd never seen humans before. They have a dialect reserved for speaking amongst their own tribe! Ok, they use naughty words as compliments and insults are how they express affection. I'm pretending to be a scientist though, scientists use neutral terms to describe their observations. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) calls it 'describe' and a 'non-judgmental stance' to focus on the facts rather than the emotions brought up. There's a lot of good books and websites about DBT if that perspective might help you to process through this.

Would you be comfortable asking your father how he feels about the way your mother speaks to him? It might not bother him at all. As far as you, it's good to explore your own thoughts and feeling on this. Being aware of your reactions is a great start. If you're seeing a T, bring up with them for sure. Writing in a journal helps a lot of people, or whatever way you're able to express things.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Spiderallis, one of my therapists told me that to look at them as though they were from Mars and this is how they act. Too funny. Amazingly it really helped me out many times

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

It might not bother him at all.

He doesn't like it. It really bothers him.


I guess I should clarify. Verbal abuse is what my therapist called it when I told her what happens. I'm not talking about the bickering back and forth that they sometimes do. I'm talking about her yelling at him and calling him names and putting him down. I've heard her call him a baby. And the other day when he reminded her of something she did that she forgot she did she yelled at him and told him he was lying and kept yelling at him and called him a liar. Last night she yelled at him and he got so upset he went to their bedroom and closed the door. It gets really obvious when it goes from just bickering to her putting him down. And it's really hard to see that look on his face.

 

[Meadowsweet]

it's really hard to see that look on his face.

Ok, so the bolded part of this, is what represents your own feelings. This is the part that you need to focus on in order to process the effect it has on you. I struggle a lot with naming feelings, but if you can, name the feelings that you feel. Or, perhaps look at what you feel like doing or saying, and that can give you a measure of what those feelings are. Then you can look at how you react to those feelings, what does the voice in your head say (your thoughts) and how do you behave in response (ie, do you hide from it and cry, do you put music on and try to forget etc)