Relationship He basically told me goodbye.

[EveHarrington]

I agree with @Friday. I think there are bad boundaries all around. You were in his business, and he was in yours. It’s sad that you say you don’t need to be reminded of what you did wrong, but it seems like you want to blame it all on him while taking no responsibility for your part in things. I’m not saying he’s an angel, but no relationship falls apart simply because of the faults of one person. Continuing to deny the entire picture isn’t going to do you any good.

 

[Snowflakes]

I really don’t need reminders of who did what! Especially not at this time! If a person can’t share knowledge or experience, then please respect me by not posting a response!

@B.J. I suspect you are hurting because it appears your relationship is over. I get that. I have been supporting my sufferer for almost 11 years and my relationship may very well be over also. I’ve been here for a little over a year trying to learn how to save myself and us. I didn’t do a very good job.

Several people here who have walked this same path as we all do pointed out things that I had done. They pointed out my mistakes. Some were extraordinarily blunt and their advice stung, especially if I read it soon after it being a particularly bad day for me.

If my relationship ends and I only see the bad my sufferer did to me, then I think I’m doomed to repeat the process. In other words, someone in my future will likely pay for the sins of my past because I didn’t learn from my past. The most difficult thing I’ve had to do is look within at my behavior and thoughts. It is damn painful when someone I don’t know tells me publically I screwed up. But, in the year I have been here, I’ve seen the hearts behind those names and now I’ve come to depend on them to help me become a better person.

Take care of you and I truly wish you well.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

@BJ... again, take what you need and leave the rest.

The world isn't out to get you. Instead of ge...

@Sweetpea76 i. An respect what you’re saying however, I am so far past that point in this experience. The last thing I need is to be reminded of yesterday. I own exactly my part in anything that may have happened. I’ve also set boundaries here and I expect them to be followed through as well. I’m by no means upset or not owning any mistakes I could have made, but considering the events that took place in my personal life, I deserve a little human kindness. I’ve always learned that two wrongs never made a right, so what he did isn’t exactly ok. And besides, what I did, although a BIG mistake, was definitely out of my concern for his protection. What he did was retaliated. It’s all ok now though; if I learned one thing, it’s to not buy into the hype and believe people as easily as before.

Lastly, no one here knows either one of us and all I’m asking is for those who may care, please share your experience if you have one to share with me so that maybe I can take a little from that and learn what not to do in the future.

 

[NaeNae75]

I'm not trying to add fuel to this fire, but the only thing I would like to point out to you is you said :

I’ve also set boundaries here and I expect them to be followed through as well.

I'm wondering what you mean by that because the way you stated it infers that you are expecting someone else to behave in a certain way....that's not how boundaries work. Boundaries are placed on your own behavior...they aren't expectations for someone else.

Example: you are with a partner that shouts and it makes you uncomfortable so you decide you will no longer make yourself available to be shouted at.

Boundary: If you shout, I will ask you to stop, if you do not, I will physically leave for X amount of time until I'm feeling safe that the shouting will no longer occur.

Expectation of other (not a boundary) You can't shout at me anymore.

You see, in the boundary, you have no control over whether they shout or not, just the boundary for yourself that you won't listen to it...in the expectation, you're trying to control someone else's behavior. That is not a boundary, and no one has control over anyone else's behavior.

 

[Freida]

@NaeNae75 that is one of the best explanations I've seen -- and helps me from the sufferer side as well!

 

[NaeNae75]

@NaeNae75 that is one of the best explanations I've seen -- and helps me from the suf...

Thanks, Freida! That means a lot to me coming from you!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I’ve also set boundaries here and I expect them to be followed through as well.

To totally agree with @NaeNae75, synonyms for boundary are words like limit, edge, terminus, etc. That's what a boundary is, YOUR limit. They have nothing to do with anybody else.

I will not tolerate X.

If X happens I will do Z (remove myself, end the relationship, terminate the conversation, etc). Everytime because I will not tolerate X.

What somebody else does or does not do is irrelevant. They can respect your boundaries or not. It doesn't change your boundary.

You're posting on an open forum @B.J., people are going to express their opinions. As long as they're not a direct attack, opinions are allowed. Disagreeing with you or pointing out things you don't want to hear is not a direct attack.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

I really don’t need reminders of who did what! Especially not at this time! If a person can’t share knowledge or experience, then please respect me by not posting a response!

This is where I set the boundaries for myself. As shown, I asked if a person couldn’t respect me by only posting experiences, then please don’t reply with telling me about what my ex did and why.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That's telling other people what to do or not do though. You cannot control what others will do.

You could have said "if you post replies I'm not looking for I will not read them, respond, or acknowledge them." That is controlling your own behavior and response.

 

[Deleted member 44240]

Not my thread, nor my situation, but I think there is a huge difference between making the mistake of trying to confide in the wrong person (OP) and going out of one's way to damage someone's business dealings after the relationship is over (OP's ex.) Don't you think? That's like saying, I slipped and fell and accidentally slapped someone in the face in the process, so now, 6 months later, that person gets to punch me with malicious intent so I know how it feels...

Ok @Sweetpea76,
If anyone post replies that I’m not looking for, I will not read them, respond, or acknowledge them! Again, I’m not looking for anyone to remind me of what I did wrong. I love @Hojay analogy here in this quote; it makes a lot of sense. I know what I did was wrong and I know he must be feeling terrible about it, but although I thought it was ok at the time, my intentions were not to be malicious. Whatever the reason doesn’t give him the right to try and harm me in any way.

 

[Mytime]

B.J I’m so sorry your hurting right now.
Your right, it’s not right for anyone to go out of their way to hurt someone. I guess it really shows you his true character and that he’s not the right person for you.

Your a strong woman who could see the best in someone and I’m pretty sure in people. Don’t let someone take that from you. It’s a strength not a weakness.
Your kind, you have shown it here. Also not a weakness, but strength.
You’ve shown compassion to your ex suffer, ( if he is one) but also to others here. Also a strength.
You’ve ended a relationship you have worked hard for. Be proud of that, not ashamed of it. Because in the end, you have learned some thing’s along the way. Things you can use it your next relationship. Take time for yourself.
Show yourself the compassion and forgiveness you give others. I know it’s a hard time right now. But love you, hug you, support you. The past is the past, you can’t change it or fix it, but you sure as hell can learn from it and come out a happier person. I wish you the best and please keep us updated.

 

[Friday]

Don't you think? That's like saying, I slipped and fell and accidentally slapped someone in the face in the process, so now, 6 months later, that person gets to punch me with malicious intent so I know how it feels...

I’m going to alter your analogy just a smidge

1 kid falls and hits another kid in the face with a toy truck. So the other kid gets mad and hits the first kid in the face with a toy truck.

Okay.
- Which kid doesn’t owe the other kid an apology? They both do, right? Whether it was an accident or on purpose, when you hurt someone you take responsibility for it.

- Which kid do you not take to the hospital? That’s an insane question, isn’t it? If they both have broken noses from being hit in the face with a truck, they both need medical care. It’s not like, if it was an accident bones aren’t allowed to break, only if it’s on purpose.

- Which kid should be forced to continue playing with the other kid, and which kid should be respected in that they don’t wanna play with the kid who smashed them in the face with a truck? Neither, right? In point of fact, the better option for the kid who got hit in the face first is NOT to smash the other kid in the face with the truck, but to get up and leave. (Which is what happened, IRL. BJ’s boyfriend broke up with him & moved out). But in actuality both kids have the right to not want to play with the other one (and that’s okay), or to forgive the kid who hit them (and that’s okay).

Clearly, there IS a difference in accidentally falling and hitting someone, and getting mad at the person who hit you and hitting them back. But in most ways? The consequences of the action are the same, regardless of whether it was on accident or on purpose.

Also, adult situations are more complicated than kids playing on a rug. The reason I used kids as an example, is because most adults feel pretty comfortable in explaining basic behavioral conduct to kids. They’re not going to jump on a sympathy bandwagon with the kid who’s crying the loudest (at the other kid not playing with them, or equal injuries but only treating the first kid), or blame the other kid (well, clearly, his FACE got in the way of your truck! How awful of him! How terrible for you!).

You see this kind of thing on here, and in real life, all the time. A sufferer/supporter (or two partners) tell the exact same story to 2 groups of people... and whomever is telling the story has people falling all over themselves to make them feel better, by blaming their partner and minimizing their own part. Personally, I don’t understand telling a sufferer it’s okay to lash out at a partner (no, it’s NOT okay) and I find it morally repugnant to feed into blaming the supporter. I don’t care how angry/triggered/stressed I am, lashing out at my partner is wrong. It’s not their fault I lost my temper, and my actions when I did lose my temper? Are on me. Not them. When you screw up & hurt someone else? Feel better by changing your behavior... not by minimizing, justifying, & blame shifting. Own your own shit.

It doesn’t do anyone any good, IMO, to be encouraging the kid who accidentally fell and hurt the other kid “It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to play with you, it wasn’t your fault, so you don’t have to apologize, & he has to play with you... or he’s a terrible person.” :confused:

Nor to encourage a story that keeps changing to present the person talking in a “better” light, and the other person in a worse light. (There I was, standing on the corner minding my own business, reading the bible with my grandmother, after feeding the orphans... and this kid just out of the blue smacks me in the face with a truck!). :bored: Really? Because when you first told the story...

To me it makes no difference whether someone is a sufferer/supporter. Or are kids playing on the carpet, or adults. The basic questions are the same. Coming at those questions honestly? Allows for real solid advice & action.