Relationship He Cheated On Me And I'm Stuck With All The Rage.

[Momofthree]

I am so glad he's getting the help he need!! No matter what happens to your marriage you will always love and care about him and of course you are happy and relived that he's taking the first steps towards getting better. I've been separated and divorced from my ex for two years but if I heard that he finally started taking his mental illness seriously and sought out help I would be very happy for him. Its probably a combination of all the emotions that's making you cry, let it out, I like to watch sad movies when I need a good cry. Did you get a counseling appointment for yourself when you called?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Glad he checked himself in... it may be enough to jump start some serious treatment. My vet was able to fast track into an inpatient treatment program after a 72 hour psych hold.

How are you holding up @still_i_rise ?

 

[still_i_rise]

@Momofthree - No doubt I am cautiously thrilled that he admitted himself in. All year long he's had opportunities to get further assessed or consults with psychiatrists but he just hasn't been able to follow through. At first I was pissed at him for missing these opportunities. Then I realized that he was wrestling with a vicious mix of anxiety, sleep deprivation and fear.

I stopped again later tonight to bring him some food. His sense of taste is off and hospital food does not help. His GP was there chatting with him. We live in a remote small town where the psychiatrist visits for a few days a month. She suggested trying to get him down to a larger city where there is a psychiatrist that specializes in PTSD. He would have to stay in hospital here for the next few days until a bed opens up down there. At first I thought he wouldn't but he agree to it but he was receptive to the idea.

Fingers crossed that he gets a spot down there soon!

The EAP has a phone counselling program that I can use once a day. It's not optimum but it's better than anything else right now.

 

[still_i_rise]

@Sweetpea76 - I am hoping he gets some intensive treatment soon. He's finally open to getting some real help. I think this past week was a huge wake-up call. Totally sucks how it all came about. UGH.

I am exhausted. Emotionally, psychologically, spiritually exhausted. I'm running on fumes to be honest.
The only thing keeping me sane is the physical (walking my dogs, lifting weights etc). My appetite still is dampened but I can eat more than two bites without wanting to hurl, so that's good.

I am spending the next few days writing letters to him, to the woman he cheated on me with, & to myself. I'll never show them but it's an exercise that has help in other situations. It's kinda cheezy but it works to get those thoughts out in black and white.

 

[Ladyghosthunter]

Still_I_Rise, honey, I've had exes that did the same to me in justifying their outrageous behavior. About him being narcissistic, I don't know about that however, that's not the point. The point is that he lied, he cheated, he defended HER honor, and he's ill while you're the one holding up the whole house (per se). Write those letters! There is nothing cheesy about writing letters if it helps you (knowing me, I'd send them to the appropriate parties no matter what they said just to make myself feel better). You are stuck with the damage control and that is NO LAUGHING MATTER!

I PM'd you. If you need to talk to me, I'm here for you. I've been there, done that, got the PTSD scars on my mind and heart and wish to hold your hand. My God...

 

[anthony]

Frack!! Don't know where to keep my anger.

Let it go... why keep it? Go yell at a tree. Go find a quiet place where people won't bother you and scream all you want, say all the things you want to say that are pissing you off. Sounds silly, but does work to some degree.

Take a friend to poke and motivate you to get it all out... then have a good laugh and get down to business. Better out than in.

 

[moonbeam]

I'm going to take a chance and speak on behalf of myself and other PTSD sufferers by saying - how DARE he use this painful condition as a justification for cheating on you!

That that that!

PTSD does not make you cheat. He's trying to use his diagnosis to explain off disrespectful behaviour. Yes we have a mental health diagnosis but that doesn't excuse our behaviour or give us cart Blanche to do whatever we want.

I have a male friend that I sometimes lean on before my husband. Its a combination of the difficulty of admitting I'm struggling, the fear of straining him too much (relationships should be give and take and sometimes he puts me first and doesn't share his struggles), and the fact that he has PTSD too and understands in ways my husband can't. We are just friends. My husband has met him. I'd say he is like a brother but my brothers are a*holes. And I don't hide the friendship. Its good to have others to lean on but cheating is a totally different thing.

For yourself you need to let the emotions out and then have a long think. You deserve better. Whether you build healthy boundaries and allow the relationship to continue or take space for yourself is something only you can decide. But either way you need to take care of yourself. Don't let him try to manipulate you into excusing his behaviour or always putting him first.

And you can let him know you talked to other PTSD sufferers and supporters like he wanted.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

This has been a very heartbreaking and also helpful (cautionary) thread .. I will add my two cents by saying it sounds like this other "friend" who got in the middle is a bit of a predator, too. Your husband sounds like he was vulnerable, and she took advantage - NOT absolving him of responsibility - he KNEW what he was doing was WRONG, and that makes him culpable (NOT you!) .. but still ..

SO thankful he's now getting some help, and I hope that helps you, too, @still_i_rise :hug:

Watching this thread with a vested interest .. and my heart SO goes out to you BOTH as you struggle through this to find where you can safely land!

:inlove:

~S2B

 

[still_i_rise]

@anthony - Believe me, I've been doing everything to channel it in productive ways (lifting weights, hobbies, throwing myself into my work etc). I will try yelling at a tree. Though the trees around here aren't very big so I'm liable to take one down with my screaming :p

It's not like I'm sitting around seething and full of rage all day. Today was non-stop with work, work, & more work and then going straight to the hospital to visit with him.
It's just when I'm alone, there it is. A seething, dull ache in the pit of my stomach.

I wish to get past these feelings .Really I do. I know it's not healthy.

At the same time, I need to respect and acknowledge what has been done. I need to provide myself space and time to process the anger, hurt and rage. Too often when shit has been done to me, I turn the other cheek.
It isn't just the betrayal. It's how he dealt with it afterwards and continues to deal with it. He refers to his friend's phone call to explain 'his side' as an 'epic fail' in a joking manner. He has a tendency to make crappy, dumb jokes to break the tension. However, this only further belittles and diminishes me.

I'm not an angry person by nature. I'm really a fun, optimistic person who is usually everybody's cheerleader. I want to be that person again.

I totally agree, better out than in. Thanks!

 

[still_i_rise]

Thank you @moonbeam for sharing your experience and kind words :)

 

[still_i_rise]

Thank you @ptsdspouse2b!

I am SO relieved he is getting help. I so wish I could just be happy & relieved about this and not have to deal with this other crap.

 

[anthony]

How to remove anger / rage: https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-iceberg-of-emotions.13731/