Relationship He Cheated On Me And I'm Stuck With All The Rage.

[still_i_rise]

@anthony - Thank you so much!! I was just thinking about doing a mind map of what I'm feeling. That thread totally spoke to me. I guess I have some homework to do ;)

 

[discarded]

Reading your post brought back so many emotions in me that I have tried so hard to deal with and have just really suppressed them instead. I know exactly what you have been through and I reacted pretty much the same way. I really don't have any advice for you as every situation is different, every relationship is different and every outcome can be different. I felt like such an idiot for not suspecting a thing and then I became very angry and of course he wouldn't discuss it. After 28 years together he now looks at me like I am the enemy, filled with hatred and it scares me a lot.

I too got the advice, when they withdraw give them space. Space it would seem to have an affair or 2 or more. Then I was advised to leave him if I couldn't forgive him. The thing is, I didn't really know the full extent I what I had to forgive and he wasn't about to tell me. In fact he really didn't think he had done anything all that wrong. Of course he did, he knew I would be hurt and disapprove or it wouldn't have been a secret. I ended up leaving him when i discovered he really didn't end it.

Ask yourself just how much are you prepared to take? If he didn'y have PTSD would you consider putting up with this behaviour? If you wouldn't put up with it, then there is your answer. PTSD is not an excuse for treating you so badly and with no respect. Don't feel bad in anyway about how you reacted or how angry you are. You have a right to feel the way you do. You have stayed by his side helping him, loving him as best you know and with some useless advice from those supposedly educated people. Don't let his illness bring you down too. Get help for you. Look after you first.

None of this is easy. After 2.5 years apart I still love him and worry about him every day and he still continues to lie to me. If it wasn't for our children and the need communicate because of them, I would choose to steer clear of him, because it just hurts too much. Hugs to you, stay strong and do what is right for you.

 

[still_i_rise]

@discarded - Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry it brought up so many difficult feelings of you. :(

Right now my main short-term priority is to get him out to proper medical treatment. I think once he's actually in proper treatment, I can spend some real time exploring all this crap. I've tried to work on figuring out what is beneath all my anger but it's been difficult to unravel all that when at the same time I'm trying to support him in getting help.

He's recognized he's done a huge wrong. He's accepted responsibility for it. At the same time, it kinda feels he thinks it's 'business as usual' in our marriage. I am grappling with huge trust issue and he wants to be all lovey dovey. I am torn because part of me wishes it was 'business as usual' but I'm stuck with the residue of this affair.

Ask yourself just how much are you prepared to take? If he didn'y have PTSD would you consider putting up with this behaviour?

Yeah, I'm hoping getting some time and space I can figure out these and other questions. I may have to face that I may never get the proof that his affair is really over. I don't think I can ever trust him if that's the case. Just writing that is making me cry....

Hugs back to you.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Right now my main short-term priority is to get him out to proper medical treatment. I think once he's actually in proper treatment, I can spend some real time exploring all this crap. I've tried to work on figuring out what is beneath all my anger but it's been difficult to unravel all that when at the same time I'm trying to support him in getting help.

@still_i_rise .. oh dear, I applaud you for taking the TIME you need to process all this .. decisions made in the heat of emotional turmoil are SO easy to regret .. and you guys are on a GOOD path as far as getting him in to treatment. Once the dust settles, you'll both be much more equipped to determine what real "repentance" and "forgiveness" needs to look like, and if "reconciliation" is even possible .. My heart hurts for you so! Trust has to be reBUILT .. the TIME investment will be necessary for BOTH of you, if that's the road you (mutually) want to take. Healing prayers your way.

:hug:

~S2B

 

[still_i_rise]

Thank you @ptsdspouse2b :hug:

Posting here has really helped me process some of this. I do have a lot of work to do. And if we want to move past this then yes, BOTH of us have a lot to do.
Thank you everybody for all your support this past week. It has helped me immeasurably!! <3

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Hi, @still_i_rise .. thinking of you, and hoping all is well! Would love to see an update if you feel up to sharing :)

:hug:

~S2B

 

[still_i_rise]

@ptsdspouse2b :hug:- Well he's got sent down last week to a larger city to get some proper psychiatric treatment. He's staying at the psych ward there but has pretty open door privileges which is good. He's been able to go out and not have too much anxiety about being out.

There is a treatment centre in another province that is very well-known and regarded that his psychiatrist recommended. I've encouraged him to see if he can get referral to there for his PTSD and his drinking. He's on board for treatment for his PTSD but not so much for his drinking. It's gotten much worse in this last year. I know that I can't force him to get help for his drinking but at the same time I don't know how effective it would be to treat the PTSD and not deal with his drinking.

We haven't had much chance to talk about working on our relationship. I didn't really expect to. His focus should be on getting better. He's made some oblique comments around the topic but hasn't really said much beyond, "I agree we need to work on it."

He's acknowledged that he's hurt me deeply. However, there's a part of me that's not trusting what he's saying. At the very least, I don't get the sense that he really gets how much work on his part needs to happen before I can trust him again. He's been nice and sweet when he talks to me and tells me he loves me. But actions speak louder than words. It's gonna take some time. Maybe it may never happen.

The supporter in me doesn't want to push him or bring it up too much because I know it stresses him.
But at the same time, it's wearing me down to hold all this in when I talk to him.

I've been using the EAP line to work through some of my supporter issues and the feelings behind all the anger about his infidelity. That's helped some.
I've been totally swamped at work. It's taken most of my mind off of stuff during the day. Though I find that I'm not navigating through the stress of my day as well I usually do.

The evenings have been challenging. I've had friends over last night to just chill & that was good.
There have been some hard nights where I'm in tears. Other nights where this ball of rage comes out of nowhere and fills me belly. I write it all out just to release it. In the end it's a cathartic exercise and I'm hoping that my releasing it onto paper that I can manage communicating it in a meaningful and constructive manner when I talk to him about it.

I've also been having problems sleeping. That sucks.

This forum has really helped me. Just reading other's experiences and learning from others has provided me was much comfort.

 

[Friday]

Just a warning on the drinking... Most 12-step programs prioritize getting go off all drugs/alcohol as the holy grail. Nothing, but nothing, is more important.

For true alcoholics, this may well be the case. I don't know. I'm not an alcoholic. For me, trauma was my number one issue, and everything spiraled out from there. I wasted several years, however in the American Abstinence program. It was a great distraction, and don't get me wrong, and there was a lot of valuable stuff there... But all it did was table & minimize what I really needed to deal with. And I sank my teeth into it, after initial unwillingness. I would soooo much rather blame my problems on being drunk or high than on trauma and my inability to cope. No lie, years of avoidance. AA/NA have become the knee-jerk reaction (at least down here on this side of the border) whenever drugs and alcohol are involved. But their own literature says it's the recourse after psychiatry has failed. I was lucky... I went to a program that gave me the boot after 11 days (they said I needed PTSD treatment, not drug & alcohol treatment). Ha. Like that was going to happen. Not when AA is everywhere & feels good, and trauma stuff is a stone bitch. Again, just a warning. Addicts & alcoholics can get PTSD. But straight up self medicating and oblivion seeking doesn't make one an addict or alcoholic. Abuse & addiction are 2 different issues.

 

[still_i_rise]

I totally appreciate your input @FridayJones.

I don't think that Al-Anon or similar programs are going to help. In fact I see them being harmful in this case.
I have no problems with him having a couple of drinks. I can see how just having a drink can help him take the edge off his day.
It's just when it gets to drink #8,9,10 +...every day. And it then leads to other problems and health concerns.

I would like him to gain more tools and skills that allow him to maintain a balanced and non-self-destructive relationship with alcohol. The program that we're looking into is first and foremost a PTSD treatment program. There is the option of also addressing his issues with alcohol in the context of PTSD and gaining more skills and tools so he can have more options for dealing with his PTSD than alcohol.

I will keep your advice in mind as I look more into options. Thanks!

 

[still_i_rise]

I messaged him if he could get us another Skype session with his psychiatrist to follow up on the last session and talk about next steps. He called me to tell that things are in place for the referral to Homewood (treatment centre) which is great. He said that there's no need for a follow up.

Then he went on about how he's getting paperwork from his psychiatrist that he's good and that the RCMP can hand back his guns to him.

I don't trust him with guns.
I just don't trust him PERIOD.
My trust for him across the board has gone.
My stomach dropped when he told me that he was going to get his guns back.
I know he wants to go hunting. I have no problems with him going hunting with his buddies and having a good time.
My concern is when he is back home with those guns. And drinking. And us having some pretty stressful discussions about his infidelity....

I told him that I am not comfortable having the guns back in the house yet. Not until we have worked out some of this relationship stuff and I am feeling more trustful of him. He went all tense and quiet. Then he started going on the defensive and then onto the offensive. He acknowledged that he did betray me but he's already diminishing it as "not everything is as it seems' and then throwing out jabs on how I 'failed' him in the past. He throws this past 'failure' of mine in my face all the time. In fact, it's his main missile to throw at me whenever he gets into a rage.

He was in a car accident about 10 years ago. He suffered injury to his shoulder and ankle and a mild concussion. His insurance lawyer asked for a letter from me documenting all my observations of is injuries and impacts. I did provide one but not to his liking and when he wanted it. I didn't even know what I could even write. I documented what I could but I was overwhelmed just keeping a roof over our heads and trying to juggle a life that I never expected. He had a whole medical team around him. I didn't know what I could have provided that would have given weight to his insurance claim. He blames me not providing his lawyer with a letter of his liking as the reason why he didn't get $1+million award for his insurance case (In Canada, those insurance damage awards are capped at well below $1million and that's for the most severe cases like a teen quadriplegic.)
He still got awarded more than anybody else in that situation has gotten and set precedence with his case. But I failed him in that.

And he blames me for the accident itself because I changed our plans and he ended up doing something else which ended with him getting in the accident.

I accept the responsibility of not providing a letter as soon as he asked for it. I do not think I should be crucified for it.

So there's the voice in me that's reminding me that he's in 'self-protection' mode and that's why his reacting this way.
Other voice in there is wondering who's there to protect me?

Of course, he ends the talk with the classic, "well, tell me if you're not into this so I can make plans to packs my bags..."

:(:banghead::arghh;

 

[Wastinglight]

He acknowledged that he did betray me but he's already diminishing it as "not everything is as it seems' and then throwing out jabs on how I 'failed' him in the past

And he blames me for the accident itself because I changed our plans and he ended up doing something else which ended with him getting in the accident.

What the what now? Don't wear that sh*t. He's playing dirty with tactics like that.

Self-protection mode or not, your man has to take responsibility for his actions - not minimising and making you the scapegoat.

As for him blaming you for his accident - WTF? That's like me blaming my parents for the car accident I had years ago. Sure, if they hadn't driven down to visit my sister, I wouldn't have driven up to my sister's place to see them, and I wouldn't have had the accident on the way. But what happened happened. It's nobody's fault that it panned out that way.

I'm so sorry you're being treated like this, in addition to everything else you're going through. I can see you're doing right by yourself and looking after yourself, and that's great. I can see you want to be there for him as well, just don't let him blame it all on you. What he's doing right now is not fair.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Boy, he is really playing that blame game for all it's worth... crimony. @still_i_rise, you must be exhausted. I hope he unf*cks his attitude soon.